Teaching with HEART
Respect is a two-way street
EDWARD ROY KRISHNAN, PHD
To gain respect, you need to give respect - at least that's what they say. But how much of this do we see manifested in school settings? Very little.
Respect is a virtue that is regrettably overshadowed by preoccupation with habitual duties - teaching, in the case of teachers; learning, in the case of students; managing, in the case of administrators; and providing, in the case of parents. Everyone is so busy doing what they have to do that respect is given little or no importance.
Respect in the family
A friend is a regional education director in South Africa. He travels extensively throughout the country. He only goes home once in a while, but he maximises whatever time he gets with his family. I visited him last December, where I learned a significant lesson.
As he is hardly there with his two children, he chooses not to boss them around when he gets home. I asked him why he lets his wife remain in charge when he returns home.
His answer was: "She takes care of the kids, and she is in charge when I am not here. I cannot just come in and take charge all of a sudden. My kids won't have the same respect for me as they have for their mother. If I do that, they will start disrespecting me, and maybe even hate me."
Implied in this response is a remarkable truth about respect in human interactions. I would say that it is a basic principle that, if followed carefully, would save us from countless heartaches.
If you want to be listened to, you must first gain a person's trust and confidence. Similarly, if you want to correct someone, you first need to connect with that person.
It is only natural for me or anyone to entertain the suggestions and recommendations of someone we know and have a cordial relationship with. We don't readily heed the words of random strangers, and we definitely don't trust or respect anyone and everyone who come our way.
School environment
As sensible as this sounds, it is often not applied in school settings.
A new principal could be appointed today and she would have the authority to reprimand students, teachers and staff right away. She can do so by virtue of the authority vested in her by her superiors.
While it is a principal's duty to ensure discipline and order, it is equally important that she does it the proper and sensible way. But what commonly happens is the point that has been narrated earlier.
It is easier for people in authority to expect others to respect them because of their position, and not because of what they have done to first gain respect. It is almost taken for granted that people in authority (in the case of the school, the administrator; and in the case of the classroom, the teacher) are respected by default. They are not expected to give respect in order to gain respect. This is hypocrisy, and when students sense this, they lose whatever little respect they have for the school and the adults who run it.
A friend of mine once complained about a secondary school student, who was extremely rude toward a primary school teacher. The teacher had commented on the student's failure to speak in English while on the school's premises. When he was confronted by the teacher, the student reacted with all the foul words he knew. The teacher disliked his response. She felt sad, disoriented and was shocked by his attitude.
I thought about the situation for a moment and told my friend, "What other response do you expect from the teenager when he was confronted by someone he doesn't have any connection with?" (Note: The teacher was in the primary section and the student was in high school - their paths never crossed except for that once.)
The same student would have responded differently to his own class teacher or a teacher he connected well with. Just because we are teachers, we cannot always expect our students to fall on their knees and obey us. Respect is something that we earn. And we can only earn respect by first giving it.
As a teacher, administrator or other person in authority, it is easier to go around giving commands, passing orders, setting procedures and demanding obedience. But the most effective way to correct anyone is by connecting with that person first.
Connecting with people
Utilising the authority that is vested in someone is called exercising coercive power, while utilising the authority that comes through connection is called exercising people power.
The former separates people, while the latter unites them.
Research indicates that principals and teachers who connect well with students stand a greater chance of being effective enforcers of discipline and order. Such principals and teachers are visible to, and supportive of, students. They take a personal interest in the well-being of children and mingle with them by talking informally, expressing interest in their activities and encouraging them to do well in their studies.
Those who fail to do so create unhappy children, which also means an unhappy school environment.
Dr William Glasser, the father of "choice theory" and a proponent of positive approaches to discipline, says that no number of behaviour management strategies, however good they are, could ever substitute for a teacher's respect toward his students.
So, the next time you want to scold someone, ask yourself: Am I connected to this person? If you are not, then you might as well keep quiet and go about your business. You would at least still have an opportunity to forge a relationship with that person and address the problem in the future.
If you pursue with your plan to correct before you connect, the person may dislike and possibly disrespect you from the first encounter. If that happens, you will have squandered an opportunity to touch someone's life in a positive way.
Dr Edward Roy Krishnan is the assistant to the chairman of the Board at Wells International School. He also lectures in the Graduate School of Psychology, Assumption University, and in the Faculty of Education, St Theresa INTI College. He can be contacted at edward@wells-school.com. To access additional articles by him, visit
http://www.affectiveteaching.com
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