I Prime Minister Somchai Wongsawat, I really do. For those who do not know what I mean, you should get a copy of the movie I Huckabees; and make it a legal copy, if you please.
On Oct 7, when he unleashed the police on the PAD protesters, people called him blood-thirsty. On Tuesday, when the police ran from the PAD as the yellow-shirt rebellion took Suvarnabhumi airport hostage, people called him weak and inept. Now the PAD has punctured the tyres of police cars and set up road blocks, while the police looked on helplessly, uninspired and outnumbered.
The man just can't win; he just can't. So I heart you, Somchai Wongsawat, I really do. Being brother-in-law to Lord Sauron probably doesn't help either.
PM Somchai is caught in a dilemma. He looks weak and inept letting the PAD slap him around like Ike did Tina Turner. On the other hand, unleashing the police on the PAD - with the possibility of many deaths and much bloodshed - is a sure excuse for the tanks to come rolling in. (The events of Oct 7, although tragic, there just wasn't enough blood spilled for the military to take action.)
What's a brother-in-law to do?
Well, firing the police chief is one thing, but what's next? (By the way, where are Sondhi and Chamlong whenever violence breaks out? Hmm ...)
According to my copy of Sun Tsu's Art of War, the endgame for Sondhi and Chamlong is to agitate the situation to such a level that - presuming the prime minister will never voluntarily resign and dissolve the government and hold a general election - the army comes marching in. To encourage the lean, mean green machine to start its engine is to create chaos and bloodshed to such a degree that Gen Anupong would feel he has the proper excuse to announce: "Chaiyo lads - we're going in!"
Indeed, what's a brother-in-law to do?
This is where I come in. Dear PM Somchai, because I heart you, I will be your Sun Tsu. More importantly, all you people, red or yellow, Thaksin-istas or Sondhi-ists, really need to give the rest of us Bangkokians and tourists alike a break, you really do.
The weather is beautiful outside. The sky is clear, the air smells (relatively) clean and there's even a semi-chilly breeze. Tomorrow's December and Bangkok is beautiful. We have this sort of weather for maybe two weeks of the year. Please, let us enjoy it in peace.
We would like to drive out to the provinces. We would like to picnic in the park. We would like to splurge at Central Midnight Sales (that's a shout-out to the Post's majority shareholder, I know times are tough, but please don't forget my bonus - the more you spend on me, the more I spend on you; mutual benefits). We would like to do all this and much more without having to worry about gunshots, knife attacks, explosions, a state of emergency or tanks rolling in.
Most importantly, so that my mum won't have to call me every day telling me not to stay out too late and not to get too drunk, because the streets may turn red with blood at any given time ("It's scary out there, son") and under no circumstance to pretend like I'm a real journalist and go out there to report from the PAD's barracks, instead just keep sitting safely and comfortably in the office writing almost-funny, barely-comprehensible drivel and poorly passing it off as some new wave, pseudo-intellectual rubbish on the nature of man and society. Pff ... Oh yeah, and I heard businesses are losing money and people losing jobs, too.
So what's a brother-in-law to do?
Because I love Mum (and the good people of Bangkok) and would like to give her peace of mind, dear PM Somchai, lend me your ears.
Dude, look! Whether you dissolve the parliament or the tanks come rolling in to dissolve the parliament for you, there'll be a general election anyway ... and guess what, your brother-in-law will again win anyway. Don't sweat it. It's in the bag.
What's the point of having all those riches if you can't win an election or 10? And yes, the PAD will come out again (hey, this whole thing is a ratings boom for ASTV, good business; what do you expect?).
But you see, the thing is, this will happen sometime next year. So if you give in now, at least the rest of us can enjoy Bangkok's beautiful weather in peace. We only have a couple of weeks of that, at most. So please, give us a break.
Dude, we can have 10 elections, and your brother-in-law will win 12 times. It's all good. Then the PAD will come out 10 more times, and your brother-in-law will win 16 more elections. He's like Cristiano Ronaldo on steroids.
We can do this every year, an endless cycle of ridiculousness. But leave December be.
It's Christmas. It's New Year. It's beautiful weather. Give the rest of us a break. Have your quarrels in June or July, when it's hot and rainy and miserable anyway. But leave December alone! And Songkran too!
Free those poor stranded tourists! Have you any idea what they are going through? And their families back home? Stuck at the airport surrounded by screaming, sweaty natives carrying blades and bats, firing shots - it's a scene out of a Chuck Norris movie from the 1980s! Have you seen Missing in Action 2: The Beginning? Cinematic classic! The image of natives going berserk is a Western tourist's worst nightmare; Hollywood has made many movies about this!
What's a brother-in-law to do?
I heart you, PM Somchai, I really do. So give yourself a break, and to all the others, the red and the yellow, the Thaksin-istas and the Sondhi-ists - give the tourists a break, give the rest of us Bangkokians a break and, above all, give my mum a break!
Dear PM, either cut your losses and dissolve the parliament or, in the words of Maximus Decimus Meridius, "unleash hell" at Suvarnabhumi (although it might be hell for the police since they are so outnumbered) and prompt the tanks to come rolling in. Either way, your brother-in-law will win the next election.
As soon as you read my column this Sunday morning, please proceed, okay?
I heart you, PM Somchai.
voranaiv@bangkokpost.co.th
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