ROGER CRUTCHLEY
Just cooling off in the Northeast
Now for everybody’s favourite topic
When there’s frost on the leaves, Thais don woolly hats and heavy sweaters – but not Old Crutch
— JETJARAS NA RANONG |
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Know these words and phrases
indignity
a situation that makes you feel embarrassed
tempting fate
too confident in a way that might mean your good luck will soon end
syndrome
a way of behaving that is typical of a particular social situation
mirth
fun and laughter
rendition
a performance, especially of a song or piece of music
overture
a piece of music written as an introduction to an opera or a ballet
confiscate
to officially take something away, especially as a punishment
embark
to start to do something new or difficult
expedition
an organised journey with a particular purpose
loafing
being lazy
swarm
a large group of people moving quickly in the same direction
stomp
to walk with heavy steps
incident
something that happens, especially something unusual or unpleasant
taking on
challenging; trying
lust
very strong sexual desire
array
a large variety
death throes
violent pains, especially at the moment of death
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Last week Crutch foolishly announced in PostScript that he had survived the Christmas and New Year festivities without having the indignity of being forced to wear a funny hat. That was of course tempting fate too much and sure enough, even before the column was printed, Crutch had experienced the funny hat syndrome after stumbling into some parties at a village in Udon Thani province. However the sight of Crutch looking really stupid produced much mirth amongst the locals although they weren't too impressed by my rendition of the William Tell Overture on a noisemaker I had acquired, which was quickly confiscated.
As you may have gathered, Crutch spent the New Year in Udon, and very pleasant it was too. The weather was just about perfect as far as I was concerned, but of course most of the locals complained it was far too cold. At least it made a good conversation piece. I don't know how many times I was greeted by people buried in winter woollies, jackets, blankets and rugs complaining naow (“It's cold”) at the same time Crutch was breaking into a sweat.
When I told them that if the weather was like this in England everyone would be taking their clothes off to sunbathe they looked at me as if I was some kind of idiot. No comment please.
Fashionable weather
Probably the most important function of the cooler weather is that it gives Thai people the chance to wear something a bit different. After all, it gets a bit boring walking around in short sleeves the whole year. Never a chance to wear a mackintosh or a thick overcoat like those lucky Europeans. So the brief drop in temperature is an opportunity to give the old sua naow (sweater) an airing, or even better, buy a new one even though it will be of use for only a few days a year.
The desire to wear something a bit different however, can go to extremes. Last Sunday morning at Udon airport I saw a young woman, seeing a relative off, wearing a thick fur coat looking as if she was about to embark on an expedition to the Antarctic ... and she was still shivering. Admittedly it was a bit nippy and the fur coat did win a few envious glances from those with less elaborate winter wear.
Jurassic park
While in Udon, it will probably come as no great surprise that Crutch spent most of his time loafing about — well that's what New Year is for, isn't it? But I did manage a couple of excursions, one being to Phu Foi Lom, an “eco-tourism park” in the Phu Phan Noi mountain range, about 30km south of Udon. And most enjoyable it was too, except that it seemed like nearly everyone else in Udon and neighbouring provinces had descended on the place the same day.
There were swarms of people, but despite the large crowds they were all very well behaved, which actually comes as no surprise in Thailand. The park features a variety of giant dinosaurs which apparently used to go stomping around Udon in the old days, even before Crutch's time. The only incident I witnessed all day was when a young lad fell off a Tyrannosaurus rex he was attempting to climb up, or was it a Spinosaurus? Anyway, it was big and ugly. Fortunately the kid bounced off the floor okay and after debating whether to cry or laugh chose the latter. But one suspects he won't be taking on any more dinosaurs in a hurry.
Sign of the times
At Phu Foi Lom I was impressed by the number of informative and educational signs put up by the Tourist Authority of Thailand for visitors. However there is one sign they perhaps might find advisable to amend in the near future. It was an anti-litter sign in the busiest part of the park, requesting visitors to keep the place tidy. In big letters at the top it was presumably supposed to say “Just Think First”. Unfortunately it has come out as “Lust Think First”, which might make some foreigners wonder if they've come to the right place. At least, it's another one for the Crutch collection.
Another Cold War
The net result of Crutch ignoring the advice to wear sweaters and jackets while in Udon is that upon returning to Bangkok he's come down with a head-slammer of a cold. It must have been all that fresh air in Udon that came as a shock to the system.
Since returning from the Northeast it has been a week of consuming an extraordinary array of foul-tasting tablets and cough mixture, none of which seems to have any effect whatsoever. You all know the feeling — first it is a furry throat, then a nose as wet as the dog's, and now a cough like a samlor in its death throes. The whole head feels like it's part of a cement mixer.
Incidentally my dogs have found a perfect manner in which to express their displeasure at the cool weather. They bark at it ... all bloody night.
- Contact PostScript via email at oldcrutch@hotmail.com.
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This week’s text for you to read is from one of the Bangkok Post’s regular columnists – Roger Crutchley.