The prospective In-laws

Re: The prospective In-laws

Postby bellagrassa on Mon Jul 19, 2010 7:52 pm

Beware of all the advice given by any Westerner. What is more important, to have a good relationship with your parents-in-law, or to have a few dollars more in your bank account?
Even if your parents-in-law plan with a bit of too much ostentation, over centuries they have done so in order to strengthen family ties. Do you want to throw all this behind, just following our Western individualistic approach, sure of our old age pension scheme?
Think twice before you cut off your ties with your in-laws.
And a wedding is something important, or do you think differently? I rather doubt, that the wedding in Western Europe might be cheaper? Do not offer your lifepartner (I hope) a second class "Hidden" wedding.
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Re: The prospective In-laws

Postby EODGhost on Tue Jul 20, 2010 8:52 am

bellagrassa wrote:Beware of all the advice given by any Westerner. What is more important, to have a good relationship with your parents-in-law, or to have a few dollars more in your bank account?
Even if your parents-in-law plan with a bit of too much ostentation, over centuries they have done so in order to strengthen family ties. Do you want to throw all this behind, just following our Western individualistic approach, sure of our old age pension scheme?
Think twice before you cut off your ties with your in-laws.
And a wedding is something important, or do you think differently? I rather doubt, that the wedding in Western Europe might be cheaper? Do not offer your lifepartner (I hope) a second class "Hidden" wedding.
Bellagrassa


That works both ways bellagrassa, Thais often forget that compromise works for them as well as the westerner. I see Thais complain that "Farrangs" don't respect Thai culture, all the while they disrespect non-Thai cultures and show one-sided understanding.

We aren't telling him to CUT OFF TIES with his in-laws, retard, He simply needs to establish clear boundaries and make sure they understand he is not a door mat. If you give an inch, they will often take a mile. Better they know where you stand then to have hurt feelings later because of their own selfishness or lack of understanding of Western Culture
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Re: The prospective In-laws

Postby faranginkorat on Tue Jul 20, 2010 1:11 pm

temple wrote::evil: why the farangs alway talk about this,it is the thai culture that the daughter will take care of the parent if you cannot understand so you do not think about to mary thai girl.study more thai culture.


There are several reasons that many of us resent the assumption that we will support the parents-in-law.
1. There are two cultures involved here, why assume Thai culture prevails?
2. The parents had 40 years to work, save, and invest for their retirement. If they failed to do that, why is that our problem?
3. If support of parents is so important, maybe our Thai wives should get jobs so we can send money to our parents??
4. I've supported the wife's family for the last 10 years, and her father isn't even polite to me. He graduated the 4th grade and I graduated M.I.T. twice. He inherited family land and money whileI was from the second of my father's three wives and inherited nothing. He failed at everything he ever tried, I didn't. I pay for his food, medicine, electricity for air-conditioning, bought his vehicle for him, paid off long term family debts, and he expects me to kreng jai him?????

I just retired early at 55 and the money to the family stopped.

Curious, nobody has started sending me money!!!

I have land I will sell when I am older if I need money. He has land he can sell, but I hear that is not consistent with Thai culture. Why should I give him my savings so that he doesn't need to sell his land and then sell my land when my money is gone?????


He sold family land 15 years ago for huge money, enough to have retired on, and that money was gone in a year.

(He has a designer watch he paid 30,000 THB for when he had money but now he wants me to feed him??? I have no designer watch, no watch at all in fact.)

Has Thai culture changed so much in 15 years that it was OK to sell land off the family homestead then but he can't now sell distant rice paddy that hasn't been used in 35 years??

The wife's older sister hasn't given the parents a single baht yet, but has money to buy a brand new Isuzu Adventure, and went on a tour of India last year, looking for some place that Buddha might have visited..........

(I will resume support after they sell unused assets to support themselves, after they stop travelling the world (two extended vacation trips to the USA in recent years), and after the sister-in-law agrees to provide an equal amount.)

I could go on and on.

What is consistently true in Thai culture is that people want easy money with total disregard for where it comes from.

My savings come from having started working and saving when I was 11. I have always driven old cars, drank cheap beer, not had coffee with breakfast at McDonalds, and always saved for the future. Her family, who have saved nothing, are perfectly happy to piss away what I have and leave me with nothing for my retirement.

And I have told my family that I would take the long swim (or put a gun to my head) before asking my daughter for support.

Asking your children for support is the ultimate admission of your total failure in life.

Now do you understand a little more about my culture???????????????????
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Re: The prospective In-laws

Postby taurus on Tue Jul 20, 2010 2:20 pm

cadcolin wrote:All good info coming in here yes i am aware of some of the pitfalls so a little of my background

been coming and going to thailand for 20 years
spent 2 years drunk in chang mai (now sober)
seen lots of freinds fall for various women from various backgrounds herd quite a few sob/horror stories first hand

the love of my life is not a bar girl she used to work in a bank (has her BA in bussiness studies)
now going back to do a masters in education(she wants to be a teacher)

as for mun and dad they own a house /sister inlaw in a house next door and grandma in a house next to her

i have no illusions about all and sundry being in my house if i decide to build or buy a house near by

especially if big screen tv/internet connection/ fridge full of goodies / booze in the house etc etc etc

i can see it will be what i own is communal property for the famiy and no i dont lend money to relatives in the uk so why start now !!!!

what worries me more than anything is setting out the ground rules

before i get into a situation where something is sprung on me and im expected to do what the good son in law should do without being aware of these reponsabilities are !
Hey Colin, one thing that was quite noticeable but Highly predictable, that when it was suggested that your intendeds parents pay half towards the wedding reverse gear was hastily engaged and the big wedding plans were put on the "back burner",( July 15 page 1) it would appear that they was quite prepared for you to shell out mega bucks but not their own ,maybe its part of "Thai culture " to be overgenerous with other peoples dough :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: The prospective In-laws

Postby overhaul38 on Tue Jul 20, 2010 7:53 pm

faranginkorat wrote:
temple wrote::evil: why the farangs alway talk about this,it is the thai culture that the daughter will take care of the parent if you cannot understand so you do not think about to mary thai girl.study more thai culture.


There are several reasons that many of us resent the assumption that we will support the parents-in-law.
1. There are two cultures involved here, why assume Thai culture prevails?
2. The parents had 40 years to work, save, and invest for their retirement. If they failed to do that, why is that our problem?
3. If support of parents is so important, maybe our Thai wives should get jobs so we can send money to our parents??
4. I've supported the wife's family for the last 10 years, and her father isn't even polite to me. He graduated the 4th grade and I graduated M.I.T. twice. He inherited family land and money whileI was from the second of my father's three wives and inherited nothing. He failed at everything he ever tried, I didn't. I pay for his food, medicine, electricity for air-conditioning, bought his vehicle for him, paid off long term family debts, and he expects me to kreng jai him?????

I just retired early at 55 and the money to the family stopped.

Curious, nobody has started sending me money!!!

I have land I will sell when I am older if I need money. He has land he can sell, but I hear that is not consistent with Thai culture. Why should I give him my savings so that he doesn't need to sell his land and then sell my land when my money is gone?????


He sold family land 15 years ago for huge money, enough to have retired on, and that money was gone in a year.

(He has a designer watch he paid 30,000 THB for when he had money but now he wants me to feed him??? I have no designer watch, no watch at all in fact.)

Has Thai culture changed so much in 15 years that it was OK to sell land off the family homestead then but he can't now sell distant rice paddy that hasn't been used in 35 years??

The wife's older sister hasn't given the parents a single baht yet, but has money to buy a brand new Isuzu Adventure, and went on a tour of India last year, looking for some place that Buddha might have visited..........

(I will resume support after they sell unused assets to support themselves, after they stop travelling the world (two extended vacation trips to the USA in recent years), and after the sister-in-law agrees to provide an equal amount.)

I could go on and on.

What is consistently true in Thai culture is that people want easy money with total disregard for where it comes from.

My savings come from having started working and saving when I was 11. I have always driven old cars, drank cheap beer, not had coffee with breakfast at McDonalds, and always saved for the future. Her family, who have saved nothing, are perfectly happy to piss away what I have and leave me with nothing for my retirement.

And I have told my family that I would take the long swim (or put a gun to my head) before asking my daughter for support.

Asking your children for support is the ultimate admission of your total failure in life.

Now do you understand a little more about my culture???????????????????


Well said.... I don't think most Western husbands object to helping (the operative word is helping) those less fortunate but I think the resentment comes when they feel taken advantage of and not respected.
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Re: The prospective In-laws

Postby overhaul38 on Tue Jul 20, 2010 8:22 pm

I witnessed a scene that I found interesting.
I was eating dinner in a restaurant on Ramhamhang Road in Bangkok and observed a family eating at an adjacent table.
There was a Thai woman and her Western husband/boyfriend. They were sitting with, what was obviously, the Thai woman's mother, father and her younger sister.
The Thai father sat turned half away from the table, looking at the traffic and he neither looked at nor talked to anyone at the table during the entire meal, at least none that I could see. The mother spoke occasionally to the woman and the young daughter. Only the woman spoke with her boyfriend/husband. I saw no attempt at conversation or interaction, only eating.
You could make several assumptions from that little tableaux but I was struck by the lack of communication and felt that everyone was well fed but there was a very distinct social distance.
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Re: The prospective In-laws

Postby sundayjam on Wed Jul 21, 2010 12:53 am

overhaul38 wrote:I witnessed a scene that I found interesting.
I was eating dinner in a restaurant on Ramhamhang Road in Bangkok and observed a family eating at an adjacent table.
There was a Thai woman and her Western husband/boyfriend. They were sitting with, what was obviously, the Thai woman's mother, father and her younger sister.
The Thai father sat turned half away from the table, looking at the traffic and he neither looked at nor talked to anyone at the table during the entire meal, at least none that I could see. The mother spoke occasionally to the woman and the young daughter. Only the woman spoke with her boyfriend/husband. I saw no attempt at conversation or interaction, only eating.
You could make several assumptions from that little tableaux but I was struck by the lack of communication and felt that everyone was well fed but there was a very distinct social distance.


Your grasping at straws here. There are in-law jokes in every country. My favorite intracultural commentary on this awkward relationship would be Meet The Parents and Meet The Folkers, starring Ben Stiller and Bobby Deniro. A simple account of your observation would be that the parents don't speak English, and the husband doesn't speak Thai.

I don't have much to say to my soon to be father-in-law for that reason...and he's also just a completely different sort. Dad did go out and kill me some frogs once. He sundried 'em all day, and then fried up for me. I can't ask for much more than that. Grandma, on the other hand, will talk with me for hours. I have complete understanding of what she is saying even though I understand very little Thai.

The business of weddings and funerals has always been good. Fortunes have been made off of the joy and grief. I don't care what country you're in. The amount of money spent does not equate to the amount of love...I am sorry. (jmho)
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Re: The prospective In-laws

Postby EODGhost on Wed Jul 21, 2010 5:21 am

faranginkorat wrote:
temple wrote::evil: why the farangs alway talk about this,it is the thai culture that the daughter will take care of the parent if you cannot understand so you do not think about to mary thai girl.study more thai culture.


There are several reasons that many of us resent the assumption that we will support the parents-in-law.
1. There are two cultures involved here, why assume Thai culture prevails?
2. The parents had 40 years to work, save, and invest for their retirement. If they failed to do that, why is that our problem?
3. If support of parents is so important, maybe our Thai wives should get jobs so we can send money to our parents??
4. I've supported the wife's family for the last 10 years, and her father isn't even polite to me. He graduated the 4th grade and I graduated M.I.T. twice. He inherited family land and money whileI was from the second of my father's three wives and inherited nothing. He failed at everything he ever tried, I didn't. I pay for his food, medicine, electricity for air-conditioning, bought his vehicle for him, paid off long term family debts, and he expects me to kreng jai him?????

I just retired early at 55 and the money to the family stopped.

I have land I will sell when I am older if I need money. He has land he can sell, but I hear that is not consistent with Thai culture. Why should I give him my savings so that he doesn't need to sell his land and then sell my land when my money is gone?????


He sold family land 15 years ago for huge money, enough to have retired on, and that money was gone in a year.

(He has a designer watch he paid 30,000 THB for when he had money but now he wants me to feed him??? I have no designer watch, no watch at all in fact.)

Has Thai culture changed so much in 15 years that it was OK to sell land off the family homestead then but he can't now sell distant rice paddy that hasn't been used in 35 years??

The wife's older sister hasn't given the parents a single baht yet, but has money to buy a brand new Isuzu Adventure, and went on a tour of India last year, looking for some place that Buddha might have visited..........

(I will resume support after they sell unused assets to support themselves, after they stop travelling the world (two extended vacation trips to the USA in recent years), and after the sister-in-law agrees to provide an equal amount.)

I could go on and on.

What is consistently true in Thai culture is that people want easy money with total disregard for where it comes from.

My savings come from having started working and saving when I was 11. I have always driven old cars, drank cheap beer, not had coffee with breakfast at McDonalds, and always saved for the future. Her family, who have saved nothing, are perfectly happy to piss away what I have and leave me with nothing for my retirement.

And I have told my family that I would take the long swim (or put a gun to my head) before asking my daughter for support.

Asking your children for support is the ultimate admission of your total failure in life.

Now do you understand a little more about my culture???????????????????


Brother, you hit the nail on the head. I have no problem helping those less fortunate when honest mistakes or bad luck has befallen someone.
But, no way will I be an ATM machine to someone who chose not to take responsibility for their own fate and pass their financial irresponsibility on to me.
Sure we've had different opportunities but when you show complete disregard for your own family by TOTALLY neglecting your finances, it's hard to give sympathy and harder still to give money when you know it is to a never ending open mouth/hand.
Help yes, but handouts, no thanks.
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Re: The prospective In-laws

Postby taysahai on Wed Jul 21, 2010 10:33 am

if you are marrying a a thai before knowing their family, you may be making a mistake. As they say the nut does'nt fall far from the tree or something like that, know their family, because that is knowing your future wife. If you don't trust her parents how can you trust her?

As far as everyone else's sob story of being take advantage, put the blame square at your own feet, it is not like someone put a gun to her your head and said blindly follow me to this endless pit of hell. Hell, that is what divorces are for!
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Re: The prospective In-laws

Postby bellagrassa on Wed Jul 21, 2010 4:12 pm

Like FaraninKorat, we Westerners, we know what is good for mankind, we just pick the best, and leave the rest. We marry a Thai lady or gentleman, and we couldn't care less for what lies behind or around. Why don't they do like we do, just looking after ourselves, maximal egoism??
Look where it has led us to? Why not try an amalgam of both cultures, trying to take up what is best? And the strong and responsible family ties is one of the best aspect of any culture. On the Western side a healthy individualism paired mit social responsability could be the second foot of the twin pair (family ties and individualism). Here it is not the question, what a man has archieved all by himself, all alone, but what he is as social animal!
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