The prospective In-laws

Re: The prospective In-laws

Postby pwongkham on Wed Jul 28, 2010 12:12 pm

Colins,

I think all the advises here are ligit only a few that joke around on your expense. But that is OK we are all human. Thais are fun loving people. When it comes that they can have fun on other's expense (namely you) they will love it. So it is you who has to respectfully sit down with them with the smile on your face telling them the price you feel comfortable to pay. Now keep it reasonable, tell them the rest is for your happiness and their daughter. They will have to accept it.

I know ( am Thai too). If they don't, it is OK to just marry your girlfriend alone and go. They will get mad but not long. Believe me a few gifts afterward is MUCH less than a big wedding now. We all do it. Again I am Thai I know. lol
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Re: The prospective In-laws

Postby cracker99 on Thu Jul 29, 2010 3:11 pm

Hi there all,

First time poster here, am looking for some advice as I am considering popping the question to my Thai girlfriend in about two months.

My question is, does anyone have any experience or cautionary advice for anyone planning to marry a Thai and take them back home to they country of origin, with the family being such a big thing in Thai culture, how do they adapt? Are there anyways of making this easier?

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other off and on for about 18 months, she work in Pattaya selling real-estate and I work in Cambodia (fly over ever couple of weeks for a long weekend). I’m from UK original, now Resident in New Zealand, andwhile my job in Cambodia may last for a year or more (and there a possibility of work in Vietnam) my intention is to return to live and work in New Zealand eventualy.

I have just gone through a long winded process of getting my girlfriend a Tourist VISA for a holiday in NZ (only 10 days long) and you would think I was importing a terrorist the level of paperwork, and finally a $3000 bond, required. My intention is that if she like NZ I’ll pop the question while we are there and she can come home and tell her parents.

Now I have read the ‘Thai Fever’ book and found it very useful, but the fact that my girlfriend never seemed keen to take me to see here parents is getting me worried.

She is 30 y, divorced and has a 6 year old daughter who grandma looks after back in the village. Now I gather by Thai standards that makes her both an ‘old maid’ and ‘used goods’ (crazy as she is such a wonderful person and everyone who meets her thinks so). So her family should be keen for her to get wed to a farang as a Thai would be unlikely to be interested in her for marriage.

She says her older sister is known for dragging boyfriends back to meet her parents and it brings shame on family because she never marries any of them, so she is not bringing me home till she is sure.

In addition to this older sister, she has 6 brothers who are all either farmers or laborers (she is the rocket scientist of the bunch) and don’t seem to contribute much to her elderly parents support. So I get the feeling that if we get spliced its going to be us (e.g. me) making the major financial contribution to their retirement (fine within limits) till they pass on (and then according to other posts here, pay for the funeral/wake).

No there is no chance of them coming to live with us later, as if I can barely get my girlfriend a TOURIST VISA for NZ there in no chance of a Retirement VISA for her parents, but is this going to be a factor in her (and their) decision making?

Any advice or am I a just a little paranoid and/or thinking to far in advance?
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Re: The prospective In-laws

Postby sundayjam on Fri Jul 30, 2010 2:36 am

Hi Cracker.
Welcome to the forum.

It seems like your gf is putting a lot of thought into this, so you should as well. If she hasn't taken you home to meet the parents yet, it means she is not sure. (those are your own words)

I've been to visit my prospective in-laws twice. My fiance has yet to visit my family, and I'm not sure it isn't a bad thing.

Meeting the parents is a big deal. You need to be sure you can deal with the extra baggage. Your gf seems like she is more than capable, so a ten day trip to wonderland will hardly be the acid test for a good marriage.

I wish you luck. It sounds like you are in love, my friend. May the love last forever, and may you both live a long and fruitful life together.
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Re: The prospective In-laws

Postby Eggmeng on Fri Jul 30, 2010 9:00 am

Cracker, if your gf's older sister has brought men to meet her parents who she did not later marry, this could be a cause for embarrassment, but unless they were sharing a room or openly displaying affection, (which they should not have been doing, for the sake of the family), there is nothing shameful in this. Sorry but I don't buy this excuse.

Your gf may be afraid of losing face, but there may be also someone in her hometown who she would prefer does not know of your existence and intention to marry her, and/or vice versa.

Living in Cambodia, you are probably aware that in some rural communities there, they still post banns when a couple plans to marry. This honorable and traditional practice (which also existed in the West at one time) announces to the community with a proclamation, a couple's intention of marrying, and discourages pre-marital indiscretions and deceptions.

If I was in your position I would not consider myself engaged until I had met my fiancee's parents, and as many of her hometown friends and family as I possibly could.

Or, just take your gf on holiday to NZ and have a great time, without expectations.
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Re: The prospective In-laws

Postby ambershubh on Fri Jul 30, 2010 3:59 pm

Hi,
Very interesting insights .I think I need to put in a few words on the Indian Hindu system which now looks but fundamentally very diff.
Interestingly Its the girl's family which bears the expense of the wedding in India.The girls parents usually do not want to deny their daughters a good wedding and would spend as per their budgets.
Usually your in-laws revere you to the point that Indian son-in-laws called "damaads" are a very very pampered breed. The wife comes to stay at the son's place and adopts his parents as her own.About the girls parents ,in traditional Indian society they would not even drink water from their daughter's husband's house ,as its thought shameful to depend on your daughter for finances or any other material help.She is though sought after a lot for her noble emotions.The marriage is usually for life as divorces are frowned upon and thought as western influences in India ,still the girls parents never push their son-in-laws for anything.In-fact there are days in the national festival calendar, where the son-in-laws are invited to the girl's parents house and worshipped with priests etc.And a lot of rituals do not happen at the girl's family without being initiated and led by the son-in law.The wife's brothers would also be very caring and respectful for their brother-in -law as a cultural thing, and touch their feet every time they meet them as a sign of respect.
So a daughter is more so bought up like a gift, an obligation one fulfills towards society by teaching her the art of raising a home and marrying her off at a suitable time to a perspective groom,and with him she stays all her life.
These days with more and more Indian women being better educated and earning better than men,its an amazing thing that their parents would still never accept their money.On the other hand its the sons duty to take care of his parents,but he is never under any obligation to look after the wife's parents.
So I think interested westerners should start looking for wives in India, but maybe you would find it more difficult to be accepted there than in Thailand as it is still a pretty closed society for westerners called "firangs" in India.This is just a broad Idea,as Indian Hindu society is very complex for an outsider with all its social hierarchies and rituals and castes.
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Re: The prospective In-laws

Postby faranginkorat on Wed Aug 04, 2010 8:18 am

A friend of mine likes to go pubbing everyday. I don't.
There is a street-dog that stays near his favorite pub.
It is accustomed to being shooed away, sometimes with a kick, so it bares its teeth and growls at everybody who gets too close.
My buddy took it as a challenge to try to befriend the dog and started feeding it.
Within three weeks they became good friends.
I started feeding the in-laws ten years ago.
They were never friendly, even when asking for more.
I stopped sending money recently when I retired, as nobody is sending money to me.
Then the in-laws miraculously got friendly!
The dog is still getting fed.
The in-laws are not.
Do you think the street-dog understands more than the in-laws?????
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Re: The prospective In-laws

Postby cracker99 on Wed Sep 01, 2010 3:18 pm

Hi all, thanks for the advice,

A little update about the girlfriend and not visiting the parents’ situation,

Turns out that while her brothers, sister and mother know she is divorced, her father (who I gather is 70 and a bit senile) doesn’t. So they are maintaining a façade of her still being married for him and the neighbors.

I got this explained to me by her favorate Aunty, who is married to a Frenchman and a Christian. My girl converted to Christianity too about 7 years ago because she said it's good to live your life by a rule system, and Buddhism only seemed to have rules where her brothers were allowed to drink, smoke weed, plus gamble day and night, while her and her mother and sister slaved away supporting them…quite insightful I thought. So she ran away and lived with her Aunty.

She dropped another (un) subtle hint re matrimony last weekend. Said she and her Aunty went to visit fortune teller/palm reader. Woman said she would either be married in 3 months or would not meet anyone suitable for 10 years, and if she didn’t marry then, well it would be another 10 years before a guy came along of the right type.

I said “we’d best make the most of our time in NZ if you’re going to be getting wed in a few months, perhaps I should look you up in 10 years?” …she didn’t think I was funny :D
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Re: The prospective In-laws

Postby cracker99 on Wed Sep 01, 2010 3:33 pm

ambershubh wrote:So I think interested westerners should start looking for wives in India, but maybe you would find it more difficult to be accepted there than in Thailand as it is still a pretty closed society for westerners called "firangs" in India.This is just a broad Idea,as Indian Hindu society is very complex for an outsider with all its social hierarchies and rituals and castes.


Having worked previously on 2 murder investigations in the UK where the immediate family of the Hindu victim killed her for bringing perceived shame on them for consorting/having a western boyfriend, I don’t think I could ever look at an India or Pakistani girl again without thinking about what might happened if her family disapproved of me.

One of my own personal demons

Some cultures are just not that understanding of cross-cultural relationships.
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