getting divorced my mail.

[Kare]

I am Thai woman. I got married American about 1 and half years ago in Thailand. Now I want to get divorced and he doesn't want to fly here to give me divorced. He would like me to send him money for the ticket, hotel and food for a week in Thailand. And that will cost me alot of money. I have talked to the registor officer and they told me you only can get divorced where you got married. And my problem is my husband diny to fly here. So how can I get divorced my mail or is there another way I can get one by my husband is in the States ? ( I have never moved to the States)

[Rooster]

Your problem could be avoided if you have thought this through. It is up to the amphur whether they will accept his signature and other legal documents via register mail. If the amphur will not accept this via register mail, then you need to get him to come to Thailand. You could threat him by going to USA to get divorce and dividing up his property, which is usually 50-50. US court will accept foreign marriage certificate. However, I do not think that he has anything other than his unpaid car title. He is free to marry anybody in the USA since there is no record of his marriage there. This is one reason that I have never tell anybody to marry in Thailand with foreigners unless they are planning to live in Thailand.

[Zemran]

I do not agree that he is 'free' to marry in the US although I do agree that there is probably no record of the marriage there. She could notify the US embassy and he could be arrested for bigamy if he was to remarry without a divorce. I think that she would be in a very strong position if that where the case.

I think your suggestion that she travel to the US is the best one. Or at least tell him that she is applying for a loan to do so and that she beleives that she can get money from his estate to repay the loan. He may only have an unpaid car title but then again he may panic and start to be decent.

[Ian Beale]

Thailand does not have a dowery system. A dowery system is one in which the brides family pays the man to marry the girl. As in India.
Thailand has the exact opposite - i.e. a bride system. I.e. the man pays for his bride.
Both systems are symptoms of economic backwardness.
In advanced capitalist systems - such as in the West, Japan, Singapore, S.Korea, Taiwan, etc. - the bride is more likely to marry you as an equal. She's already well educated, with money, etc.

[Jeff]

All

I am to be married to a Thai national this June. At the engagement party I will give the parents of my bride 100,000 baht and 76 grams of gold. I have just been told by my bride at the wedding I am to show more money and gold. I already have promised to give my bride a gold necklase and gold ring. She told me that the additional money is for show only and that she would make sure I got it back after the wedding. My question is, is this a Thai custom? What would be the appropiate amount to show. Do you think that my bride or her family would be affended if I did not show money at wedding? Why is not the money I give to parents enough? Thank you for your reeesponse.

[Rooster]

Oh, I think something is quite wrong here. The 76 grams of gold in jewelries are for average country girl with some education. The 100,000 baht is ok too. The money and the gold jewelryies are to be displaced at the wedding unless her parents already took the money.? The 100,000 baht in 100 baht denomination would stack-up high enough on the traditional ceremonial plate. However, if she is from a good family with collegeeducation, she will need traditional set of jewelries worse about 4 ounces including ring, necklace, belt, wrist bracelets, and ear rings. The 76 grams of gold is little over an ounces. This gold jewelry set will belong to her and in your family. You might never see the 100,000 bahts. It appeared that her parents already used your 100,000 bahts for something elses. Oh, you can make it in a official bank check and use the enlarged copy for displace. There is no need to displace real cash nowadays since these are all about show. It is very depending on how much they want to show off their daughter. Oh, you will have to play for some of the wedding expenses too. The guests will bring gifts and money gifts too, which will help pay for the wedding expenses. If her family is important in the community, you and her might ended-up with more golds and jewelries too. I wish you a lot of luck. I hope that they are treating you, rightly.

[Jeff]

Rooster,
Thanks for getting back to me. I have not given the money to my brides parents yet. I am still in America but will be traveling to Thailand this June to marry my bride and bring her back to the US. We have settled on the amount to be given to her parents about 6 months ago. It makes me wonder if her parents now think they should have asked for more. I know her father has a lot of influence on my fiancee. It makes me wonder if he put her up to asking for addition money at the wedding which he can convert to his own use. Please give me you opinion on another thing. My fiancee has asked for 50,000 Baht to pay for the engagement party and wedding. We are going to have the wedding in her village. We will pay for food, rental of wedding costumes for myself and my bride and a professional photographer. We will go to the temple also to make merit. Does 50,000 baht sound like too much for this kind of event? Thank you

[Rooster]

Hi Jeff. You need to tell more about your fiance's background and her family's status. This would determine the dowry/bride price. It seemed that you will have a village wedding events. The cost would depend on the number of people who will attend your wedding reception, and it is usually in the evening. You can calculate the cost at about 200 baht to 500 baht per head. The traditional wedding ceremony will take place at her home in the morning before noon with family members and important guests. Then the merit giving and Buddha service at about 10:00 AM to 11:00 AM. The monks will eat and give holly water than leave by noon. They will invite 5, 7, 9 monks. It would depend on the availability of monks in the area and or the status of her family. You will have to pay someone to drive them over to her house. They would make gifts (usually household items) for each monks with money donation too. Each guest or each family will make about 1,000 baht gift or more, or they may bring other none monetary gifts. It would depend on their relationships with your fiance's family. I would not bring him 100,000 in cash. You need to give him bank cashier check and make a enlarge copy to show at the wedding reception. You can make a color copy at Kinko at 8 x 12 or larger. You can bring about $5,000 in $100 denomination. You can open an account with ATM card at Bank of America in Bangkok, so that you could manage the account while you are in USA also. This would be your spending account in Thailand. You can withdraw in Thai baht at the ATM machine to pay for wedding expenses. There is no need to rent wedding clothes. It is ok for you to get marry in other than black western suit and tie. She needs to custom make her traditional Thai silk dresses. NO, I would not give them anymore money. Since it is appeared that they will keep this money. If they are going to rebuild their house, than you could offer to help since you will be living their sometimes. If she is able to work in USA, she could sent them money later. Or she can give them some of her allowance.

[theFrenchGuy]

Hello all,

In this thread, I have read both interesting and "out of place" comments. I would like to share my own experience/situation and maybe get feedback from you.

If I understand well, I am quite young compared to most contributors. I am a 26 y/o French man. When working as a consultant in Bangkok, I fell in love with an engineer lady who is the same age as I. She comes from a good family and has a good education, even though she's not the type of woman to wear a black skirt and a white shirt. We have been together for almost 2 years now and I helped her find a position in Europe, where she will stay for 2 more years. We are considering getting married, even though this would probably be in no less than 2 years. The issue of the dowry has come up and she 1st told me some amount like 1Million bahts. We discussed further so that I could understand that it's more than "buying cattle" and she told me that her family would give back the dowry. I took some time to think about it and had many things coming to mind: thinking of robbery... then considering that even from French standards of salary, it could take years to an engineer to save that much money. Also considering that (from what she explained me) in thailand, the family of the groom would help him get that much money... but my family won't (and can't) help. ...and I also need to count on myself for paying (50% of) the organisation of the wedding, which shall (additionally?) include many plane tickets. But I understood her point and resolved that if I have to do it, so I shall. Then, the next time we discussed that, she told me that it should be something like 2 or 3 million bahts!!! there are limits to my bank accounts and this is crazy, even if she claims that it will be given back.
So, I saw many posts encouraging or discouraging the dowry. I have already chosen that I will give a dowry. BUT!!!! consider this: I have spent 8 months in BKK working 70 hours per week (in average). Now I have been spending 15 months without vacation in some other European country. I am not poor but I am not rich. I don't own a house. I take part in the cleaning, laundry, cooking and I treat her as my equal. I have good manners and I am respectful of her beliefs/culture/family. Can one still just reply with a plain "if you love her, just pay the dowry"?

[juta]

theFrenchGuy
One of the purposes of giving dowry to the bride’s parents is to boost the value of the bride. If she has high education, comes from good family, and is still single, the sinn-sodd will be high. There are no fixed rules of how much a groom will have to pay. However, this is normally negotiable. I would suggest you to find some (one or two) respected elders to do the negotiation. Discuss this with your girlfriend and find someone (even if you have to pay for their visits) who her parents will accept it without losing their face. Equally important, includes everything you have to offer their daughter after marriage such as home, rings, boats, etc.. This can substantially reduce your dowry. Let me know if this tactics are successful or not.