My Thai wife

[A Thai in NY]

DR,
Your sad saga reminds me of a fellow American whom I met on the vidio rental of the Thai shop in NY.
This fellow would come to the shop to rent or returning Thai tapes twice a week. He is like you, married a Thai girl and brought her back to NY a year ago. As it turns out she is lazy, doing nothing except watching Thai movies all day and night. At first he interpretes this as a sign of being homesick.
He ends up doing all the housework, cooking, cleaning, shopping, driving, running errands.... while the mrs. spends her time talking on the overseas calls.
Many Thais sympathize by his plight. They also admire his patience for being able to put up with her life style.

As it happens all the time, the husband ends up being a murderer. I hope you don't consider go through that route.
It's easier to divorce her, send her back on a one-way ticket.

Good luck !

[Falong]

Sorry to give you bad news my friend. I have been married for more than six years and Thai women, at least all the ones I have met including my wife have VERY low self esteem which means hell for you...

I am very well off financially and I can tell you that even after buying a half million dollar house and giving her diamonds etc money changes nothing.

And.... even worse.... giving them your heart does not good either. Because of their deep poverty and lack of personal worth, they have nothing to give.

Now that may not be the case for every Thai woman but I can tell you it seems to be the norm.

I have even gone as far to learn the lanquage in the hopes of understanding her more only to find that she wants more...

Co-dependant is another word I would use... No self, need someone else to fill the hole. Unfortunately, you will not be able to do that...

My advice to you is to protect your heart my friend and I am sure you love her with all your heart. The challenge you have is as I stated above; shame from poverty goes very deep and she will have to make the decision to grow through it and become a whole person...

Some suggestions to decrease the tention:

Never speak bad of her family...
Never look at another woman...
Never tell her what you have done for her...
Seek help from the Thai community and try to find a mature Thai woman who can help you both communicate.

Best of luck to you my friend....

[harry]

Falong, you are looking things a little bit to negative.

After 30 years of marriage I had also different experiences. I know many Thai women who have confidence in themselves. There are successful Thai women in life and professional career. But this successful women don't hang around in the local Thai circles.

Most local circles of Thai women are pure poison. After more than 30 years in Europe my wife did learn this in the the hard way. She only left a few very good Thai friends, with the rest of the Thai community she keep a distance. Our friends don't go to Thai party's or celebrations. It took years before my wife opened her mouth about the reason why, and even now after 30 years of marriage I don't know everything what is going on there. And its better that way, because its a story of cheating, /////, masquerade, borrowing, gambling and debt to each other. Take for instance the system of share money, where Thai women put every month a certain amount of money in a pot, they make a bid to get it. Many women make a bidding at the beginning, but than don't pay anymore the following contributions. I know several Thai women who have a gambling debt of several thousands Euro's, one even 20 000 Euro, without the knowledge of her husband.
You gave the good advise to consult an elder Thai woman. But also here have to take caution. And its not always the ones, who visit the temples or pray every day who are the most reliable persons.

paraphrasing and old saying
" you can take a lady out of Thailand, but not Thailand out of the woman"

The best advise I can give is listen, listen, listen and listen to your wife and try to understand what makes her ticks, and waiting till she trust you for the full 100%. Its important to know that a woman and certainly a Thai woman think very different than we do. Just except this difference. They don't want to have solutions they only want a listening ear for what they see as major problems. And never pas judgement over her opinion, her friends or family. If you don't do so, she will not tell you anything about them again. Lets she make up her own mind about them, you can only carefully and gently guide her.
Stimulate her to become a free independent self confident woman. Except that she is not a minor who is under your control., but an equal partner, who choose to be your partner, because she wants to, not because she needs to depending on you.

When you overcome this problems you will have a trustful and honest partner who you can depend on what ever problems you will encounter in your life. Because behind that polite and modest Thai behaviour their is a very strong woman hidden. Its up to you to discover this jewel. But I can guarantee, if you get the trust of this strong minded woman, you will have the partner of your dreams.
But stay away from the poisoning circles of the local Thai women. You just don't put the cat nearby the milk.

[Chris]

That's right - and Í'm so lucky to found one
of this jewels..........

[colin howard]

hi falong , looks to me like you are one of those spineless human doormats i often write about , regards ,colin .

[Sam]

DR , one can sympathize with you if your wife isn't a Thai.
First you came to Thailand as a tourist (or an expat) several times, you got good experience of Thai bar girls or occasional girlfriends , though, you fell in love with one of them , married her because she will please you, she will give you what you can't find with a wife at home. You were thinking only of yourself, as if you are the center of the world, you were expecting to marry a slave , not a wife. Actually , that's the main reason for 90% of mixed marriages in Thailand between Thai girls and Western boys.
I think there was no mutual Chemistry between you and her from the begining, I think too she's not responsible for that.
Before taking any dramatic step , look inside yourself, perhaps you're the source of her depression. Thai girls are in general very clever and very proud of themselves and their nation, they're not easy preys as most of you guys think. Think of yourself as equal to her and I'm 90% sure that the outcomes will bring you back together. Regards, Sam

[Robert]

Sam

I believe we Westerners do treat out Thai wives equal, probably more so than most societies. However, treating one as equal should not include turning over ½ of your assets to your young Thai wife, opening up a bank account in your wife’s name when the she has displayed irresponsibility in the handling of money, and things of that sort.
I treat my wife as equal. But I do not jeopardize the assets that I have worked so long and hard for. To do so is foolish.

[SORRY]

WELL THAT UNLUCKY I AM MARRIED WITH MY US MAN NOW 4YR NOW I HAVE LOTS OF SAD THING BUT I AM OK WITH THAT.IF YOU WANT TO SPEN YOUR LIFE WITH THE MAN WHOM YOU MARRIED WITH.YOU HAVE TO GIVE AND TAKE.I AM WORK ALL IN THE HOUSE.TO ME LOVE COME 1TH I SEE LOTS OF MAN WANT TO MARRIED WITH YOUNG GIRL THAT WHY YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT OF LEVE IT. SORRY FOR YOU

[colin howard]

hi chris ,nice to hear that you,ve got a little gem , but all gems are rough when you find them ,they just need a little polishing to bring out the best in them ,looks to me like you have the right recipe ,the very best of luck to you both ,life is what you make it ain,t it ,regards ,colin .

[Cautious]

I married in Thailand to a girl from the south. We spend 1/2 the year in Thailand and 1/2 in the US. Recently we had problems and she returned to Thailand. The marriage is over but we have not yet divorced. I have two concerns. The first is whether she will try to enact revenge for her losing face (she is the only one in her family to fail in marriage)...I will deal with that.
But my second concern that I would like to ask readers for advice on is this. Is it possible for the police to arrest me, for immigration to hold me, or some other false charge be brought in order to extract money from me?
I have committed no crimes against her and in fact have taken quite good care of her.