An awakening

TURNING POINT

'When I was working as an environmental campaigner for the Wildlife Fund of Thailand Under Royal Patronage (WFT), I felt like I was always walking on a thin rope from which I could fall off at any time. I got upset easily. I had to carry a gun everywhere I went, even when partying with friends.

Veteran conservationist Nikom Putta— currently director of the Upper Mae Ping Watershed Management Project—shares a crisis that eventually turned his life the right way up.

"It was in part due to the nature of my work. I had to confront illegal loggers and poachers, most of whom were backed up by powerful people. One day, I received an anonymous letter threatening me that I would be killed if I didn't move out of the Khao Yai forest where I was working at the time. But I didn't slink away.

"Then, about two years ago, there was a serious dispute between the WFT secretary-general [Phisit na Pattalung] and some of the staff. The incident ended rather unpleasantly. My whole world was turned upside down. Although I did not bear any personal grudges against my boss, I decided to quit the organisation. All of a sudden, I became a jobless middle-aged man with no savings and a family with two children to feed.

"I developed a series of depressive bouts that lasted almost half a year. I became a sad and angry man who blamed everyone but himself. I will never forget my darkest moments. My life seemed to go on and on as a sad, seemingly endless routine. I would drop my two children off at the school in the morning, go for a trek in the forest to sit for hours in silence, have a few drinks, and wait for the forest to return peace to my soul. In the evening, I would walk back to pick up my children from school. I repeated this inner struggle day after day.

"During this period, I would also go camping in the forest, and lose myself in the drinking and the listening to music until I grew totally sick of myself. Then I discovered some cassettes that had Phra Paisan Visalo's dharma talks on them. Somehow, the monk's words had a wonderful effect on me.

"On one of the tapes, Phra Paisan tells about a monkey who hates the smell of kapi [shrimp paste] so much that, thinking its bottom has got dirty, it tries to rub off the imaginary taint so hard that its bottom bleeds. What hurts this monkey is not the kapi but its feelings of hatred toward it. The same is with your heart - most of the time it is your own thoughts that cause the wound.

"I gradually 'crawled back' to my life. I started practising dharma, yoga and meditation. Until then, I had never had any interest in those 'spiritual' matters. Now, I've become a serious practitioner - everything I do must contribute to spiritual growth.

"I still love the forest; I always want to be near it and, most importantly, I want to work for its protection. But I have changed my method. Instead of physical confrontations, I have started cultivating good 'seeds'. Thanks to support from the Thai Holistic Health Foundation and some private companies, I've set up an environmental campsite for students - they will be the protectors of the forests down the road.

"Our camp teaches environmental conservation and dharma through a variety of activities: Art courses, forest trekking and so on. The children can learn about various plants, waterways and animals, and how they relate to humans. Sometimes, we have them walk barefoot in the rice fields in order to 'feel' the mud under our soles. I'd rather call it a session of 'the feet breathing through the soil'.

"We also got the children to distinguish 'needs' from 'wants' to make them, hopefully, immune against the plague of consumerism. There are sessions on yoga and mindfulness training at which we occasionally invite monks to give a dharma talk. So far, the youth camp project has progressed quite well. A few schools have started to send their students to join our camps at Ban Dong Rak in Chiang Dao District, Chiang Mai province.

"Now, I no longer complain about how life has treats me. Every day, I just focus on a few important things - like trying to live simply, always in the present moment, and to be a useful member of society. I have tried to quit smoking and drinking. I have become a vegetarian and my health has improved immensely.

"From that turbulent episode of my life, I have learned several valuable lessons: To be constantly mindful of every act, to be content and never spend beyond my means and, finally, to try as much as possible to rely on myself.

"I am also grateful to my wonderful wife, Tanyarak. She has stuck with me through thick and thin. During the period of hardship, her unwavering faith in me kept me on the ground. I will be never be able to thank her enough for that.

"Looking back, I feel I owe that life crisis many words of thanks. The experience taught me how to change myself."