Tour Siam 4001

Without taking a step outdoors

You know the whole world.

Without taking a peep out of the window

You know the colour of the sky.

The more you experience

The less you know.

The sage wanders without knowing,

Looks without seeing,

Accomplishes without acting.

Tao Te Ching

(Fourteen Days in Thailand is a tourist information brochure of the World Tourism Organisation of the year 4001 which I obtained from WTO headquarters through the telecomputer in my bedroom. In answer to a set of questions to the central databank, information with relevant all-colour illustrations were downloaded and printed within minutes.)

THAILAND

Area:395,074 square kilometres (23 percent of the country's area disappeared due to sea erosion during the glasshouse-effect-cum-global-warming period - 2150-3230)

Landscape:Almost all kinds, in amazing combinations: mountains, plains, sea, etc.

Climate:Diverse, from very cold to warm to very hot. The Northeast has the mildest weather (see details in 'Travel Report - Thailand in Fourteen Days')

Capital:Buriram

Languages:Japanese, English, Thai

Economy:90-percent manufacturing, i.e. air production, colour production, chemicals, etc.; 10-percent agriculture, i.e. fizzy-drink-tasting fruit production

Exports:Artificial wood, canned oxygen, gas masks, colours, chemicals and amulets

Imports:Sky-cars, agricultural raw materials, i.e. barley, wheat, oats, ham, bacon

Communications:Convenient in many ways. The country has the most cars and private airplanes in the world, but given that there is a surfeit of sunlight, most sky-cars, sky-trains and boats use solar power. There are also nuclear-powered tuk-tuk to uphold national identity.

Tourism:Given the ease of communications, interested tourists can cover the whole country in two weeks.

Things to bring:Thick and thin clothing, allergy medications. For oxygen cans and gas masks, it is preferable to buy them locally as they are everywhere and very cheap.

Below is an account of a roundtrip of Thailand in fourteen days which is both economical and providing the best travelling experience, as recommended by WTO officials.

Travel Report - Thailand in Fourteen Days

Day 1 - Buriram

Landing at Buriram International Airport servicing the capital of Thailand. If you travel on your own to join this tour you can travel by sky-train from the airport to downtown in ten minutes. Taking black-plate sky-taxis is not safe, as their drivers tend to fight for then fleece passengers. If you must take a private vehicle, Tourist Office limousines with robot employees are recommended. All robot employees are programmed for honesty. Safety is underwritten by the National Insurance Organisation.

The primary touristic attraction in the capital is the Phanom Rung Mega Temple under its air-conditioned glass dome. This stone temple has been famous for over twenty centuries. Its dome is a rare example of modern Thai savvy. Initially the temple lay in ruins in sun-baked wasteland for over two hundred years. When it was rediscovered by archaeologists, the authorities decided to restore it and turn it into a historical park. Inside the giant glass dome covering the whole temple area the temperature is pleasantly cool and the oxygen level higher than outside. Even from the ground you can see the sky clearly as if the dome did not exist. Phanom Rung is both a historical site and the biggest trading centre. Tourists should not miss the opportunity to purchase souvenirs here. There are plastic reproductions of famous Thai images, such as the Reclining Narai lintel, scale models of stupas, and all sorts of amulets.

In the afternoon visit the Thai Historical Museum, which is full of vessels and other antique exhibits. Archaeologists and historians assume that in ancient days people liked to inscribe their names on the implements they used, as most artefacts bear the names of their owners, such as Calvin Klein, Elisabeth Arden, Esthe'e Lauder, Nike, Reebok, Sony, Yamaha, Hitachi and others. Those artefacts were discovered in the 3810 Big Dig. They are the most historically valuable items to survive the global flood. The museum also has pictures of the capital in the pre-glasshouse-effect-cum-global-flood era, old three-dimensional photographs of stores in the first Thai period, for example Yaohan, Isetan, Daimaru, Harrods and St Michael. Many of these stores are still extant.

Most interesting also is the Vintage Car Museum which has more than fifty thousand ancestors to the sky-car, each with its own characteristics, from Toyotas and Hondas or Nissans to Benzes, Volvos and BMWs. This is the biggest centre of antique cars in the world. Every year more than five million archaeologists and other interested parties come here to study cars.

If you happen to visit the capital in December, you will witness the biggest celebration of Christmas in the world. Christmas celebrations have been a typical Thai custom for over two millennia. There is a huge parade of a Father Christmas image, the election of a Miss Christmas and illumination of the whole town.

Have dinner at the Buriram Recreation Centre. Thailand's capital has a profusion of restaurants, but we recommend a local delicacy more than a thousand years old: the hamburger, an ancient staple food only to be found in Thailand. The hamburger tradition here has origins as ancient as the local arts and culture, especially in Buriram where it has acquired Northeastern zest in such classics as rong hai burger, nam tok burger, tom yam burger, som tam burger, etc. The five-star dish we recommend is the nam tok burger.

Buriram has a most pleasant climate, neither too cold nor too hot compared to other cities. Buriram became the capital of Thailand in 3132 because it had the least pollution. First-time visitors should not be surprised to see children selling garlands at intersections in the capital.

Day 2 - The Huey Kha Khaeng desert

At dawn the sky-coach tour will take you to the largest desert in Thailand, stretching over 120,000 square kilometres. The most beautiful part of it is the Huey Kha Khaeng desert, a thriving jungle redoubt in very distant times. It covers some 6,000 rai over several provinces and has more than 1,700 species of cacti. This famous desert has figured in the Guinness Book of World Records for over three hundred years as having the biggest cacti in the world, big enough to measure two-lane highways by.

This place is the biggest forestry museum in Asia. The Huey Kha Khaeng Botanical Garden had beautiful beds of more than five hundred kinds of pebbles, an artificial waterfall and imitation wild animals made out of cement which are very lifelike and pose no danger to tourists unlike what is still too often the case in neighbouring countries with deep jungle such as Burma or Vietnam.

Some parts of Huey Kha Khaeng have been turned into 300-hole golf courses. Golf courses here are of packed sand, but softer to walk on than grass and devoid of dust. There are robot caddies ready to serve you twenty-four hours a day.

Day 3 - Buriram - Lampang

Even though the communications system in the country has sky-car shuttles between the main cities, we suggest you book a first-class seat in a VIP air-conditioned coach to go to the North as this offers tourists the opportunity to see lots of historically highly valuable items on both sides of the road. The coach will go through Khon Kaen and then Lampang before heading for Chiang Mai along the new superhighway.

If you love mountains and heights, you should visit the beautiful Phu Kradueng Botanical Garden in this region, take a cable car or else sit astride a robot to reach the summit. There are more than three thousand robots ready to carry you and your luggage. The scenery of the desert at dawn and dusk from the top of Phu Kradueng has thrilled travellers at all times.

Along the road between Loey and Chiang Mai provinces, the temperature will rise progressively. Tourists will see many historical towns sunken in the desert, such as Phrae and Nan, which used to be surrounded by deep jungle and eventually became ghost towns once the forests were gone.

Stay overnight in Lampang, a town with many interesting traditions. The most renowned yearly cultural fair in the province is Halloween, with the election of a Miss Halloween, a parade of beautiful flags and at night a temple fair with a robot-run racy folk banter and song show.

For dinner we suggest Lampang local fare, namely tempura and katsudon.

Day 4 - Lampang - Chiang Mai

Wake up in the morning in the Lampang Desert Hotel, breathe the warm air of dawn, and breakfast on typical Thai yakisoba, and then it's back to the coach which will take you to Chiang Mai. The best hotel there is the Chiang Mai Desert Inn, at the junction of the desert and the river.

From the hotel a cable car will take you to the Doi Suthep stupa under a giant glass dome with fine air-conditioning inside. At the back of the dome is the highest amulet centre in the world, with all kinds of amulets, talismanic cloths, magic mini-rolls and blessed phalli that sell more than two million pieces a day. They are mostly made of synthetic plastics very much like the earthen originals but five thousand times more resistant. The most expensive amulets are "I U" amulets. The amulet industry is a multinational business that brings much income to the country each year.

In the afternoon, watch the manufacturing of hologram-striped umbrellas and then proceed to the Chiang Mai Folk Village; visit farms raising desert chameleons whose pelts are a prime export.

After that, travel to Doi Inthanon by sky-coach. This is the highest peak in the country. Part of its top has been turned into a parking lot which can accommodate up to twenty thousand vehicles (the most popular sky-cars being Toyotas). Looking from the top down you will see the most beautiful desert scenery in the world, stretching as far as the eye can guess. The weather up here is very hot, but some scientists believe that in the distant past it was very cold.

In the evening, have a khantoak dinner. The best Chiang Mai desert folk specialties are steamed barley (cooked by wrapping it into a banana leaf sunk into the sand until it steams) and desert chameleon ham. The most sought-after dish here is three-in-one desert chameleon with sweet, sour and hot sauce.

Day 5 - Chiang Mai - Chiang Rai

Sky-coach to Chiang Rai, where a large, nuclear-powered long-tailed boat will serve you breakfast on board. We recommend som tam-flavoured cereals. Rev down the Kok river for about half an hour and you will reach Elephant Camp, where you can watch robot elephants dragging logs as used to be done two thousand years ago: a very informative and entertaining experience.

In the afternoon fly to Mae Hong Son to visit Hmong villages with lots of manufacturers. Mae Hong Son is a business town with factories producing artificial wood with exactly the same properties as real wood, down to strength and scent. These include Siamese sal, teak and golden teak.

Since the disappearance of trees in Thailand in 2040, wood manufacturing has developed to the point of being a major export of the country. The technology for artificial wood of superior quality improved over a thousand years to reach perfection around 3820. Besides, there are orchards producing fizzy-drink-tasting fruits, a promising new market. Tourists should not miss sampling fruits from these orchards. The most famous are Coke dates, Pepsi watermelons and Seven-Up papayas.

In the early evening ride the sky-coach to the Burmese border. Eat Kentucky fried chicken in the Oasis restaurant. The desert scenery in the evening is very beautiful. From here if you look towards the Burmese side you will see a gloomy green forest which is still a wild territory made dangerous by wild beasts.

Day 6 - Chiang Mai - Bangkok

Fly down by plane to Bangkok City, the former capital. Bangkok became a dead town in 2682 and the capital was transferred northwards several times until 3132 when it was finally established in Buriram. Snow falls in Bangkok throughout the year and the weather is very cold. Blankets and warm clothes are provided on demand. Here you will find totally different climatic conditions from the North. The reason why conditions in the Central Plains are different from the other regions is extreme concentrations of carbon dioxide during the glasshouse effect era.

Bangkok is the biggest manufacturing centre in the world for anti-pollution masks. Tourists will be excited by the latest models of gas masks, mostly with reputable brand names. Apart from this, Bangkok also has more than ten thousand plants producing colours and sundry chemicals. The production

process consists mostly in sucking the required raw materials from the air as the city has a surfeit of chemical products in the atmosphere. The state provides these plants with financial assistance as their operations help reduce air pollution ipso facto.

In the morning visit the Royal Palace and the Temple of the Emerald Buddha whose roofs, covered with snow the year round, offer a magnificent view. The ground temperature is minus twenty degrees Celsius. A poet of the late Rattanakosin period described the temple in 3760 thus:

"Ice-clad gables

Forever frozen erect

Roofs riding roofs under white snow

City of heavenly angels..."

In the afternoon admire graffiti murals by anonymous artists of two thousand years ago, mostly abstract pictures executed with spray cans into splendid arrays of lines and colours. They are carefully conserved because of their historical value. Some of the inscriptions such as "TMS my ft", "m. f." or "milsh" still baffle archaeologists and linguists even now.

The Bangkok nightlife is still hectic in spite of the arctic weather. We suggest sampling the atmosphere in the bars of Phatphong Road: good booze, good food, beautiful robots, friendly prices. Robot go-go dancing is not to be missed.

Day 7 - Bangkok - Nonthaburi

In the morning ride the express shuttle bus along the Chao Phraya Expressway. The Chao Phraya used to be a river with putrid waters but was later turned into the largest (150 metres wide) expressway in the world, according to the Guinness book.

On both sides there are more than a hundred plants producing oxygen. The Bangkok - Nonthaburi corridor is one of the largest oxygen-producing areas in the country. Tourists can buy oxygen cans by the roadside. They come in various fragrances (rose, lemon, lavender) and are incredibly cheap.

Spend the afternoon in Nonthaburi province, the country town north of Bangkok. Don't forget to buy the famed Nonthaburi durian - over two feet long, ripened with the use of excellent scientific fertilisers. If you come in April, you may witness the election of a Miss Durian at the provincial government house. You should go in the afternoon to withstand the cold weather there. The local specialty is steamed buttered barley in bamboo tubes, delicious even for Westerners used to rice as we are.

In late afternoon return to Bangkok in ten minutes via the Chao Phraya Expressway. Admire the beautiful colours of the condominiums lining the way on both sides. A Siamese poet has expressed the beauty of the roadsides in this way: "Condo lights Like stars Shining on pale moon Nights..."

Day 8 - Bangkok - Samui Island

Take a plane in Bangkok and fly down south to Samui Island fifteen minutes away. Koh Samui (in the local dialect) has been a South Seas paradise for over a thousand years and its beauty is still being preserved. There are cable cars from Surat Thani connecting with Samui for the convenience of tourists. If you come from Surat province we suggest you take a cable car so that you can enjoy the beautiful views and fresh air.

If you like diving, this is paradise for you because the sea around Samui Island has no dangerous and unsightly corals any longer. Before you leave don't forget to visit the fishing village for a demonstration on how to catch robot fish using ancient fishing techniques. These two-thousand-year-old techniques will amaze you.

Have lunch at the harbour restaurant. The must-have seafood there is fishburger.

Day 9 - Samui - Trang

Reach Trang by sky-coach. The sea around Trang is very different from the Samui Sea but each has its own beauty. Tourists should visit the mock-up Red Mangrove National Park, the largest in the world, on the Sikao coastline, to enjoy the atmosphere of red mangrove forests in the past. More than six thousand rai have been turned into a forest made of resistant plastic. At the back is the biggest artificial stream in Asia, with all the different species of totally lifelike ersatz sea creatures swimming by. The place is ideal for children of learning age.

In the afternoon you should visit the Collieries Museum. You will be amazed that ancient people used charcoal for cooking. The historical record of two thousand years ago is that the Thais used charcoal until the last tree was felled in 2040.

Tourists may wish to buy charcoal carvings of their own faces by robot sculptors. Thai carvings have their own cachet and are acknowledged worldwide as better even than Michelangelo's.

Day 10 - Trang - Phuket

Travel on to Phuket, the island in the middle of the Andaman Sea nicknamed the Black Pearl of Asia because the sea here is pitch black, the only sea in the world of its kind. Its beauty is more impressive than any navy-blue sea on Earth. Thai people attribute this virtue to the factories that wilfully cooperated in dumping their effluent into the sea until this marvellous phenomenon was achieved.

Tourists should not miss watching the sunset from Phromthep Cape on any account. Dusk over the black sea is very beautiful and romantic. Of course this setting has figured in dozens of films over the last few hundred years. Phuket is ideal for honeymooners.

In February, Phuket has the biggest celebration of Valentine's Day, with distribution and consumption of free food at will. More than one million domestic animals are slaughtered during this fair as offerings to the god of love. Every year there are hundreds of brides and grooms who come to tie the knot here. The black sea has held tourists under its spell for centuries.

Day 11 - Phuket - Phang-nga

Phang-nga is both a tourist and a manufacturing town. Originally, long ago, it was a sea full of lime outcrops, so that it became the country's biggest producer of cement. The outcrops were blasted to dust to produce cement. Nowadays, there are no longer any unsightly jagged outcrops to be seen, so the sea is beautifully smooth.

In the morning, explore the Phang-nga Sea in a cruise boat. Have a buffet breakfast while you admire the cropped waters. This beautiful sea is one of the few places in the world where you can rest without having to wear a gas mask.

In the afternoon visit the ancient fishing village on Pan Yee Island which has been deserted for centuries as there are no longer any sea creatures left, but this location is still properly preserved given its high historical value. Tourists like to have their pictures taken beside ancient Thai fishing implements such as push nets and explosives of various sizes.

Spend the night at the Phang-nga Illusion Bay Hotel, which has been listed as one of the ten best hotels in the world for ten consecutive years. All rooms offer clear views of the seascape from every window thanks to a top-of-the-line holographic system. Guests are able to select the outside scenery along with the appropriate soundtrack according to their moods, for instance a view of the sea at night when the sky is full of stars or at dawn when the sun is just rising above the horizon and fishing boats are slicing through the waves to get back to the shore. You can program the sound of waves on the beach, the cries of more than a hundred species of seabirds, and even the rustling of coconut treetops. If you want scenery that is not on the list, you can call on the services of a robot programmer twenty-four hours a day.

Day 12 - Phuket - Hat Yai - Songkhla

From Phuket, fly to Hat Yai, a large island in the middle of the sea. Historically it used to be a plain, but in the global glasshouse effect era the area was more adversely affected than any other in the South. Rising sea levels eventually had most of the South sink into the ocean. After the glasshouse-effect-cum-global-flood era, the government decided to rebuild Hat Yai as an island at its former location. Urban planners designed it larger than before. Construction began with the sinking of gigantic foundations, a feat of architectural technology in those days. More than forty thousand robot workers were used. Hat Yai thus became a deep-sea port, a commercial centre and a tourist town. Tourists are eager to do their shopping there as Hat Yai is a tax-free zone.

In the afternoon proceed to Songkhla in a tourist submarine. Songkhla is another beautiful underwater town that sank during the global flood. The submarine will give you close views of underwater Songkhla, of residences as they were in the past, of the former Cat and Mouse islands and of the mermaid sculpture in front of what used to be Samira Beach. The tourist submarine will stop by Tang Kuan Mount, where a glass lift will take you to the summit, which is the only part that emerges from the Songkhla Sea.

In the evening, stay at the Underwater Hotel. All rooms have very beautiful views of marine life.

For dinner, we suggest hamburger a la South, eaten with dark boodoo sauce.

Day 13 - Songkhla - Hua Hin - Bangkok

Stop by Phetchaburi, the town of fair lasses and sweet molasses, to visit the biggest factory in the country producing fizzy-drink-flavoured palm sugar. Ninety percent of the province is planted with a special species of palm tree for the production of such a commodity. The palm tree planted by the factory is a diminutive species that bears fruit fifteen times faster than previous species. With the addition of special chemicals, palm sugar of various flavours, such as Pepsi or Seven-up, can be obtained at will to answer growing market demand for new palm sugar flavours. The fruit is also used to make cakes. Phetchaburi has been renowned for food and cakes for centuries. The sky-coach will stop long enough for tourists to buy presents before leaving town.

You will reach the former capital in the afternoon. Spend your last night in Thailand in Bangkok. If you happen to travel in January, don't miss the Snowman Contest Festival on Rattanako-sin Island and its fashion show, where more than three hundred male and female models display ancient Thai costumes. The oldest Thai costumes are three-piece suits for men and miniskirts for women.

Day 14 - Bangkok - Buriram

Return safely to Buriram. If you want to stay on for another trip, contact tourist officials who will provide you with detailed information.

(I put down the Fourteen Days in Thailand brochure and pressed the button to send relevant data to the telecomputer of the World Tourism Organisation. I booked two tickets to travel to Thailand. Within seconds, the trip was confirmed for a total cost of 330 units, very cheap for the fun I shall have. I smiled in gratification, sure that my wife will be very pleased indeed. I am now convinced that the eastern world still offers lots of great tourist destinations.)

'Thua Sayarm 4001' in 'Duean Chuang Duang Den Fa Da Dao' (Across the starry vault), Dork Ya Publishing, 1995, Bangkok