Ah, the most romantic (dreaded) day of the year is back, and how lucky for couples who have already planned a luxury getaway to Paris or stocked up on gallons of wine and whipped cream (not that we’re suggesting anything). Then there are those of us who completely forgot and are trying to force a bunch of leaves into the shape of a rose bouquet. All this pressure and frustration, it’s surprising why we haven’t converted Feb 14 into something more meaningful, like Cockroach Unappreciation Day. But fear not, Guru is here to give you a rundown on how to get through Valentine’s Day this year, whether you’re a lover, a player or a stay-at-home loner with 10 cats.
NEW LOVEBIRDS
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First and foremost, a social media update is a must. It’s crucial to inform the entire country’s population of your spanking new love, as well as show off just how much of a perfect couple you are. During the promotional period of dating (one to six months), new lovebirds shower each other with gifts and affection while desperately attempting to stifle biological gas leakage, namely burping and farting.
New game plan:
Some might be lucky enough to celebrate their eight-week anniversary on Valentine’s Day, which means you may want to double up on your presents. Remember that the honeymoon phase of your relationship won’t last forever, so take the time to really get to know each other — phobias, embarrassing moments, quirky habits — before it’s too late to back out.
LONG-TERM COUPLES
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Numerous Valentine’s Days have already passed by. Pressure’s off, right? Wrong. Depending on how high maintenance your other half is, there’s potentially the fear of them being disappointed, whether it’s because this is the fifth year you’ve given them chocolates and roses or because you’ve forgotten it completely.
New game plan:
Since V-Day falls on a Saturday this year, being busy is no excuse to avoid celebrating. There’s no need to go big (unless you’ve already bought a ring — then by all means, go big or go home). Something as simple as a phone-free day, which the two of you can spend having an actual conversation without being interrupted by Line, WhatsApp or Facebook Messenger, will suffice.
RECENTLY SINGLE
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V-Day is often the toughest for the newly single, even if you’re the dumper and not the dumpee. You’re in no mood to go out, especially if there’s a chance of running into your ex — it is a small city, after all. You sit at home and scroll through different couples’ Facebook pages, rolling your eyes and wondering how long they’ll last. With a tub of Haagen-Dazs and crates of beer within reaching distance, you make up your mind that when you wake up, you’ll finally start hitting the gym. After all, nothing says revenge like a hot body.
New game plan:
Instead of sulking alone, ask your close friends what their plans are. More often than not, some will appreciate your company for a quiet night in. Also try setting up a fun game in which being single gives you the upper hand. For example, you and your friends can put a small sum of money in a jar each month. The last one in the group to tie the knot takes the cash.
THE PLAYERS
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Players will always be players, and mid-Feb is not exactly the best time to be making monogamous resolutions. Notorious for capitalising on the naivete and heartfelt optimism in the air, players go on a veritable scavenger hunt for conquests whose names they won’t bother to remember the following day. Apart from the “Desperately Seeking” (see below), players are the only ones with clubbing on their minds on Valentine’s Day.
New game plan:
Finding a date might be a no-brainer for you, but not everyone is in the same rapid procreational mindset. Instead of tallying the notches on your bedpost this weekend, give yourself a challenge by assuming the role of wingman/woman and see how many of your friends you can set up.
DESPERATELY SEEKING
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Being alone on Valentine’s Day might be a phobia you just can’t seem to overcome. So you head to a club, hoping that if you’re intoxicated enough, half the people on the dance floor will eventually start to look like potential romantic partners — or at least people you might be able to share a taxi with. Some may even fall prey to “The Players” (see above), a move you’ll regret for the next 364 days.
New game plan:
Drowning yourself in alcohol doesn’t make you more attractive. Slurred speech and stumbling down the club’s stairs is not the way to go. There’s nothing wrong with being sober. That way, if you do happen to meet a potential special someone, you won’t have to hold down your chunder (or ask their name over and over).
MARRIED WITH KIDS
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You may have tried to involve your kids, encouraging them to express their love for your better half on a card in hopes that their messy handwriting and doodles will take up the entire space. Since the spewing little ones arrived, you haven’t had time to pee in peace, let alone think of how to put a nicer spin on “Cheers for not getting pissy when I leave the toilet seat up” or “Thanks for taking turns on the nappy change.”
New game plan:
Hire a babysitter or call the lovable in-laws, who would never pass up the chance to take care of the little crayon-chompers while you’re off enjoying a well-deserved three-hour break (and probably talking about the kids anyway).
THE SCEPTICS
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You’ve been planning it all month (if not year): Exactly what to post as a Facebook status to suck the joy out of every couple you come across. “Happy Hallmark Day!”, “It’s called consumer conspiracy!” or “There’s more than one day a year to show someone you love them” — these rank among your most popular remarks to friends and strangers swooning over their presents from secret (and not-so-secret) admirers.
New game plan:
It may seem foolish to see people so caught up in a day clearly designed to boost sales of chocolates and gift cards, but there’s no need to ruin their fun. You can spend the day coming up with snarky comments — or simply enjoy it or ignore it like a regular person.
IN LOVE WITH THE COUCH
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If it involves putting on pants or underwear, you’re not going to bother. Single, taken or married, nothing can shatter the unbreakable bond between you and your sofa. And it’s the weekend! Sleep and TV series aren’t going to wait around, so you draw the curtains shut and lock the front door before anyone tries to drag you on a romantic date.
New game plan:
Since there’s nothing anyone can do to persuade you to leave the house, make sure you go into hibernation mode without a hitch. Do this by picking out your most comfortable jammies and fuzzy slippers, and warning your friends and loved ones ahead of time that should your peaceful weekend be disturbed, the wrath of the couch potato shall rain down upon them like prickly thorns.
