As I watched the press-screening for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows, I couldn't help but think again and again how much I would've enjoyed this movie if I was 13. Ninjas? Sleek, CGI-characters? Megan Fox? If I was 13, this could've been one of my favourite films of the year. If.
Directed by Dave Green and produced by Michael Bay, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows, the sophomore feature in Bay's reboot of the hit 1980s cartoon/comic franchise, is basically what you'd expect to see if you gave a pre-adolescent boy a blank cheque and a towns-worth of CGI crew. Super-buff, slang-slinging, skateboard toting monstrosities that somehow still pass as ninjas, muddled action that sounds cool on paper and Megan Fox in a skin-tight Japanese schoolgirl outfit make for an enjoyable juvenile fan-fic the likes written by bored teenage boys in algebra class, but definitely not a film.
Picking up from where the last film left off, Shredder (Brian Tee) is on his way to prison when he is freed by his Foot Ninjas (you have to love 80s creativity) and Dr Baxter Stockman (Tyler Perry). Through some dubious cartoon logic, he ends up teleported to meet Commander Kraang (voiced by Brad Garret), an alien living in a strangely ill-designed robot. Kraang then tells Shredder to assemble a device on Earth that will open a dimensional portal that will allow him to bring over his super space weapon, so that they can rule the world. Shredder agrees to the plan, provided Kraang helps him get rid of the turtles.
Hop, skip and backflip, and the turtles are in the thick of it again, fighting comically-incompetent faceless ninjas and spouting hit-or-miss one-liners, butting heads before finally reconciling thanks to sage advice from their vermin master. Pretty much what you'd expect.
One thing you should realise in order to enjoy this film is that -- despite the live actors and real-world setting -- Out Of The Shadows is very much a cartoon. Things often happen inexplicably, and character conflicts are resolved with a few wise words and stern, meaningful looks. Questions like, "How did Dr Baxter immediately know what to do with an alien crystal device, much less have a machine capable of processing it conveniently on hand?", or "How the heck did that subplot with the turtles turning back into humans get resolved?", will only make your opinion on the film sour. Like Casey Jones (newcomer Stephen Amell) said at one point of the film: "It's best to just roll with it." Fans of past films will be familiar with the age-old conflict between Leonardo (Pete Ploszek) and Raphael (Alan Ritchson), the calm leader and the hot-headed brawler. Donatello (Jeremy Howard) still spouts out nonsensical science jargon, and Michaelangelo (Noel Fisher) is still the lovable, well-meaning oaf who yearns to fit in with the non-amphibious humans. That's pretty much been the defining character traits of all the turtles through their over 30 years, and the film never manages to get past those traits and turn the turtles into real characters rather than caricatures.
Megan Fox -- perhaps predictably, considering the name on the producer's chair -- switches between sexy blonde nerd to Japanese schoolgirl, stealing clothes and undressing in the train station like no one's watching, all in slo-mo, within the first 15 minutes of the film. Returning to her role as spitfire news-reporter April O-Neil, Fox is very much just there to complete the fantasy, running from mutant rhino-men and fighting ninjas in tight-fitting clothes and high-heels.
And the action. Truth be told, the Transformers films -- as undeniably bad as they were -- were and still remain a guilty pleasure of mine. Here with Ninja Turtles, Bay's signature brand of maximalist action becomes too chaotic and loud to really make any sense of. This isn't helped by the film's inability to show any serious violence (including blood) due to its PG-13 rating, which means that the turtles rarely get to pull out their pointy ninja-weapons for any real fighting. In fact, there is very little real fighting in this film.
There is one chase scene involving a very 80s-inspired turtle mobile, and that's pretty much it. There's a fight-scene that starts on a falling plane then continues on a river heading towards a waterfall, though the action is too busy and quick to really make any sense.
With a plot as thin as public toilet tissue, one of the things I can compliment this movie on is its decision to keep it short and sweet. With a run-time of a little under two hours, Out Of The Shadows never quite managed to outstay its welcome for me, though it came close. To the surprise of perhaps no one at all, the latest Michael Bay movie is very much a flashy, juvenile, male-fantasy-serving film that will appeal to pre-adolescent viewers, and a turn-off-your-brain movie for older audiences looking for a guilty pleasure.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows
Starring Megan Fox, Stephen Amell, Will Arnett, Tyler Perry, Brian Tee.
Directed by David Green.
