Last Saturday, around 9pm Thailand Terrestrial Time, a superhero walked among us. By day, he went by his human disguise of Phummarin Phaensombun, 31, from Suphan Buri province. But by night, it wasn't a bird, it wasn't a plane... it was SuphanBuriMan!
Although superheroes generally try to keep their identity a secret, SuphanBuriMan was revealed to the public when he made headlines in local newspapers. The unmasked vigilante, who claims he was sent here from a destroyed planet, had one noble calling: To save humankind.
SuphanBuriMan was attempting to leave Earth and return to space. Unfortunately, he said the alien friends that were supposed to pick him up and take him back to the galaxy far, far away didn't show up.
Instead of logging onto Facebook and posting a passive-aggressive status update about his so-called extraterrestrial "friends", SuphanBuriMan utilised the one superpower he thought he could count on: Hijacking buses.
Chaos ensued.
SuphanBuriMan took over bus No. 34 at Victory Monument, believing he could drive it out of the city and somehow make it back to space. After scaring the six passengers and bus driver onboard with what police reported was a "loud and intimidating rant" (every superhero's secret weapon), SuphanBuriMan hijacked the vehicle and hightailed it out of there.
Along the way, he crashed into numerous cars, smashed through a toll booth on the expressway near Central Lat Phrao, before finally having his journey thwarted when he rammed into an 18-wheel truck in Ayutthaya's Wang Noi district. Luckily there were no casualties, and police were able to arrest him.
Sure, a sensible lesson to take from this incident would be to focus on Thailand's resources in dealing with those who may be a bit detached from reality.
But because we like to give everything the most immature treatment possible, we must ask: what if, just what if, SuphanBuriMan was the one hero who could have saved us all? What if he was able to complete his mission and go back to space? And even worse, what if the aliens come back and take revenge on us for preventing SuphanBuriMan from returning to his planet?
In the hopes of protecting us all from a possible invasion, I have decided to prepare a brief guide for any budding superheroes out there to complete SuphanBuriMan's failed mission. Here's what the next un-caped crusader should do differently to help save Earth:
Everyone knows that the portal to another planet is found in Patpong or Nana, not Victory Monument. Enter either of those areas if you are looking for strange life form not found on Earth.
Don't count on aliens to give you a ride. Extraterrestrial beings are horrible spaceship drivers, considering how many fields they ruin by creating crop circles.
When you hijack a bus, do not attempt to drive it yourself because no one - not even superheroes - can manoeuver it quite as erratically as a Bangkok bus driver.
Create a better origin story for your superhero identity; claiming you come from a "destroyed planet" may cause sceptics to think that you're confusing your life with the plot of Man of Steel.
Remember to take your meds.
May the force be with you!
