Happy Love-Sucks Day!

Happy Love-Sucks Day!

Real stories of romance that went hilariously wrong

SOCIAL & LIFESTYLE
Happy Love-Sucks Day!

You knew we were going to do a Valentine's Day issue. But we knew you didn't want to read about goodie-two-shoes, fairytale relationships on a day that's already peak obnoxious. This is Guru, after all. So, we asked for your funny stories of failed dates to remind us of the real charms of romance. Here are the best of the submissions. Enjoy!

You and Your Two Gay Friends

She brought her two sassy gay friends to our first date, which wasn't nearly the worst part. She didn't have the understanding that conversations went both ways. She only talked about herself. After an hour of this circus, I excused myself to the bathroom and just left.


Marking Her Territory

I got ridiculously drunk the first time my boyfriend and I hung out. So drunk in fact, that he had to fireman carry me back home because I couldn't even walk in a straight line -- let alone stand up. A few minutes later, he asked me why his shoulders were wet. Turns out my bladder needed emptying and instead of telling him to let me down, I decided that it would be easier to just pee all over him and not say anything. Six years later, we're still together.


KEEP THE CHANGE

I paid for the meal. He took the change.


"Objects"

I met someone at a networking event and we went back to his place after. In the heat of the moment, I ran my fingers through his hair and stumbled upon "objects". Seeing my perplexed look, he explained, "they are clips, for my hair extensions. I'm almost bald." I didn't contact him afterwards. Shallow, I admit.


A Sh*tty Time

My roommate was once dating a famous Aussie actor. The guy was in a high-profile relationship at the time, so they had to fly under the radar. One night, after a date at a hotel, the two eventually did the deed. While they were at it, she noticed a foul odour. When she got up to leave early the next morning, she noticed that this celeb's underwear were home to the world's biggest skid marks.


Mr Popular

One time I met a guy for a date at a bar. He seemed so popular because guys kept coming up to us, patting him on the back and saying, "this guuuuy" or shooting him sup nods from across the room. Then walking back from the bathroom, I saw him reaching into his shoe to get the packets of drugs he was selling to people.


A New Direction

My son's new girlfriend struck me as a far outlier from his usual type. So out of curiosity, I asked him what it was about this one. He said: "My previous girlfriends were all so smart and things never worked out. I'd like to date someone stupid for a change."


GOOGLE THAT SH*T

He tried to convince me that whore was a term of endearment.


The Atheist and the Prophet

I'm an atheist, but I don't mind dating men who follow a religion, as long as they respect my choice and aren't absolutely crazy. But once, on a first date with a guy who seemed normal at first, he randomly brought up -- in a completely serious manner -- that he was a real prophet and proceeded to describe to me the vision God had "entrusted" him with of the world's near-end. Then he just snapped out of it and thought it was appropriate to try to make out. This "seer" obviously had his blind spots when it came to dating.


Oh, Not You

I was hooking up with a guy from a dating app. I drove across town to meet him, but when I met him, he had a slightly surprised look on his face. We talked a lot on the app, so I asked what's wrong. He said that he talked to many guys on the app and honestly thought another guy he was talking to was coming over, not me. He asked me to leave.


The Accountant

He took me out to a pretty fancy restaurant on our first date and did that cheesy romantic thing from the movies where the guy puts his hand over the prices on the menu and tells the girl "whatever you want". I got the lobster. He had the steak. We both had a few hors d'oeuvres, wine, dessert and more wine. When the bill came, I assumed he was treating, based on the grand gesture at the beginning. Instead, he took out his phone, fired up the calculator app and started adding up what I owed for the meal. How romantic.


Code Bro

I found out I had done it with my senior at my faculty, who was also in my code line*. Awkwardddd.

*In Thai universities, students in a faculty are organised into tight knit "code families" based on digits in their student ID numbers.


Code Bro 2

I thought it'd be funny to match with my code brother on Tinder and ask him to treat our code line to dinner, as seniors in the code line are expected to do for their juniors. It turned out he actually wanted to date me but the feelings weren't mutual. Oops.


And The Academy Award Goes To...

My date was so boring and here's how I decided to make my exit: I secretly missed-called my best friend about five times, so she would call me. When she did, I picked up and pretended I was receiving news that my mom was in the ICU as a result of a car crash. I ran outta there. Later, when he called to check up on me, I told him I was traumatised by the accident and couldn't be dating anyone.


Sweet Ride

I met a girl at a party and she came home with me. We had fun. In the morning, she called her boyfriend to pick her up from my house?!?!


PowerPoint of Defeat

He wrote an email to me -- in the company's letterhead -- asking my mum for permission to take me out on a date. After the date, I said I wasn't interested. The next day, he sent me a PowerPoint presentation admitting defeat. It had pictures of dead soldiers.

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