In these dying hours of 2014 it is time for me, as usual, to take a quick look back on the year that was.
I have assembled a list of awards so that we remember the year as it truly was; eventful, relentless and nonsensical … with an emphasis on the last.
1. Story Of The Year
I was relaxing in a near-five-star resort in Hua Hin when news broke of the coup d'etat on May 22.
That certainly put a damper on cocktail hour, as the under-trained hotel staff weren't sure if they could still serve me.
"Why do you think we're having a coup in the first place?" I argued, not really knowing the answer to my own question, but according to Dale Carnegie, bluster is nine-tenths of success, and I ended up with my Double Screwdriver. It was just as well because nothing weaker would have gotten me through the hideous military music they played in between announcements on local TV channels.
The catchword of the year was "returning happiness to the people". Of course it was; what is more conducive to happiness than curfews, martial law and "attitude adjustment" for those who think otherwise of the coup?
Some attempts at happiness included dropping gas prices, World Cup matches on free-to-air channels and outdoor concerts at Victory Monument featuring B-grade luk thung singers and pony rides.
The world condemned the coup, but the truth is at least we could go to Ratchaprasong without fear of being bombed or shot dead. Nevertheless, it did get ridiculous at times; you could get arrested for reading George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four, eating a sandwich or raising three fingers in a Hunger Games salute. We may not be democratic, but we are certainly esoteric.
2. 'Tourists Go Home' Award
Was there anything else we could have done to deter them this past year?
If a coup d'etat wasn't enough to stop the estimated 30 million foreign tourists arriving, then how about a double-murder on an island that had just been named by Time magazine as one of the trendiest places on earth? Or a crackdown on visas? Or Thong Lor police demanding tourists pee into bottles? Or, as we discussed two weeks ago, banning alcohol on New Year's Eve?
It was also a year where some really weird yet popular tourist attractions became news.
Near Khao San Road, people flocked to the New World Shopping Centre despite it being closed for 15 years. The ground floor had become an aquarium for thousands of catfish, and pictures of them swimming in the decaying mall went worldwide.
Another tourist spot; the 50-storey unfinished "ghost tower" near Saphan Taksin BTS station, a monument to the 1997 economic collapse. Apparently security guards were charging 50 baht to climb the stairs to the very top. It only became news when a Swiss tourist was found hanged on the 43rd floor.
That was the zenith of suicides. Another woman chose a different direction to kill herself in 2014; she jumped into a pit of crocodiles at the Crocodile Farm.
3. The 'Uh-Oh It's Coming' Award
This was the last year Thailand could happily go about its business oblivious to the growing worldwide trend of communicating in English.
In exactly one year's time (give or take three days), Thailand joins nine other countries to form the Association of Southeast Asian Nations Economic Community, which allows freer travel and the ability to work in other Asean countries. Not that Thais are thinking of going anywhere, but what of half the population of the Philippines, already packing their bags preparing to come and work here? Thailand now sits at No 9 in ability to speak English on a list of those 10 Asean countries. Singapore is at No 1, although this year Singapore blotted its copybook by stealing our Songkran festival and staging it themselves in April.
How dare they! The anger was muted, because any Thai who wanted to be vocal about their protest would have to be vocal in English.
The festival was ultimately cancelled by the Singaporeans themselves upon hearing that an integral part of Songkran was its road toll of approximately 300 over three days.
4. The 'Hub' Award
Here in Thailand we are forever trying to find a way to become a hub for something.
We have tried to become a trade hub, a cosmetic surgery hub, a factory hub, a motor vehicle construction hub, an eyeglass hub … they all fail to materialise and sometimes for good reason. We failed to become the World Book Hub last year because nobody here reads books.
In the dying days of 2014, however, we finally became a hub for something. We are the "illicit drug hub" of Southeast Asia.
This news didn't come from some pesky NGO with an axe to grind. It was Justice Minister Paiboon Koomchaya, who claims 2% of the population are illicit drug addicts. The other 98% only partake of legal drugs.
5. The 'Worth Her Weight In Gold' Award
Thailand remains crazy about beauty pageants, although why is a mystery since we never win the international ones any more.
Locally there are six competitions not including the popular transgender Miss Tiffany.
This year's Miss Thailand Universe stepped down a few weeks after she was crowned, for being too fat. This means she weighed 40kg as opposed to the obligatory 35kg, but unflattering pictures of her in a bikini did circulate.
It reminded me of a Miss Thailand runner-up I worked with a few years back. Talented and rake-thin, I asked her why she wasn't making the transition into soap operas. "They told me I needed to lose five kilogrammes," she said. "And the only way for that to happen would be anorexia."
Thailand's infatuation with beauty pageants continues. Miss Tiffany continues to outshine them all.
6. The 'Parallel Universe Einsteins' Award
Thailand has more Line and Facebook users per head than any other country on earth. And 2014 was the year we killed social interaction for the sake of a social network. The whole country shoved its face into smartphone screens.
Has this made us more clever? It has certainly made us more philosophical. In a single day back in June I received these words of wisdom from three different Facebook friends, accompanied by pictures of sunsets and stuff: "Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket."
"Sometimes it's good to have fake friends in this world; it helps you find out who your real friends are."
"Life isn't waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain."
As the sun set that day, I had lost 10,000 brain cells and exactly three Facebook friends.
7. 'English Gaffe Of the Year' Award
In third place is this sign which says "Don't pick the tea leaves" in Thai.
In second place is this sign on Bang Na-Trat Road:
I would love to meet the government official who thought it best to do a direct transliteration of the Thai into English, since we native English speakers are so familiar with "CHALOEM PHRAKKIAT RATCHAKARN THI 9", as opposed to the indecipherable "RAMA 9 PARK".
And the winner?
It's not a picture. It happened in my own class.
I was explaining the proper pronunciation of the words "tired" and "tried" since Thais often will say "I am tried" when lacking in energy.
For 10 minutes I explained the proper way of saying "tired", going around the class and getting everybody to say it correctly.
Upon finishing, one of my students appeared at the door and excused himself for being late.
I noticed he looked a little exhausted, so I asked him: "Are you tired?"
"No," he replied, "I am Chinese."
Happy New Year, dear reader! n
