Separation is hard on the couple, but it can be even harder on the kids. They are labelled children of "broken homes". They are perceived as "troubled kids". People assume that they don't get enough love and are more inclined to turn out bad. The worst part is that if the society lets such terrible assumptions continue, the kids will start to believe they are true. That can't be a good thing for our society.
Pepa O'Donovan Soler, a Foundation Stage teacher at Bangkok International Preparatory & Secondary School (Bangkok Prep), thinks it is important to be open-minded about family diversity, since it is such a common matter today. To her, the parents' separation does not necessarily mess up the child's life.
Soler has recently published a children's book, Not Quite The Usual Setup, which addresses the issues surrounding "step families" or "blended families" with simple words and adorable illustrations to put a positive spin on the matter.
"My sister-in-law went through a separation, and even though it was very hard for her, she dealt with it really bravely in a good way for the child. Every decision she made considered the child. Her relationship with her ex-husband is really good, and that child grew up as if she was from a traditional family. I just want to let everyone know that it is possible," said Soler, who studied Montessori and has worked in various international schools in Spain and Thailand.
When her sister-in-law went through a divorce, the daughter was only six months old. Her niece grew up in a loving and trusting environment where both parents and their new partners would meet for different family celebrations, went on holiday together and even went to each other's weddings.
"Coming from a non-traditional family does not have to be a setback for the child if you remake the family, not throw it all away. Things change as we grow. You should see it not as a destruction. You have to try to see it in a positive way, and that can benefit them," she said.
She explained that non-traditional families have increased over the years. The half Irish-half Spanish teacher said that in Spain, non-traditional family is very common, and the same occurrence seems to happen worldwide.
"As you get older, your friends get married. After a few years, it's time for divorces. It seems to follow that pattern. There are also many other types of family. In this school, we do have cases of children with two families, as well as mixed families. Maybe the father already had another family before. We also have a lot of third culture kids," said the teacher.
She felt that for children, books are a great communication tool. It's quite unfortunate that most books only portray traditional, happy families, when in reality there more millions of children growing up in a different environment.
"I did my research before I wrote this book and there weren't that many books on this matter. It's a pity that there aren't more books about this. I think even in 2015, the media do not really portray diverse families. It's not that it's not normal to have a traditional family – that's not what we're trying to say. It's about trying to broaden the mind."
Not Quite The Usual Setup tells the story of Claire, a little girl whose family is going through changes. Her parents are going through a separation. It talks about other children who live with a single parent and children from different countries. The last page of the books wraps up the key message, "So don't worry if your family is different. Love is the most important thing, and the rest is indifferent."
Soler has read the book to her students, who are around four to five years old. Some of them do not understand the subject, but the ones who share the experience are very interested.
"It's incredible how some children who are going through something similar are really paying attention. It's a hard book to read to little children. Maybe they will understand better if they are seven or eight years old. I have to do a lot of role play and explaining. I'm sure if I read it to seven-year-olds they will ask a lot of questions. The idea is to talk about it in a positive way, so they can understand it if they are going through it, or help their friends go through it," said the author.
She said that while separation is not easy, lying to the children will make it even harder for them. The simplified, positive version of the truth is the best for children.
"What the book states is that you have to tell them the truth, but of course the harsh stuff needs to be kept between the couple. Never say anything negative about the other person. It is very hard, but as adults, we should know how to deal with it. You want to teach the child how to deal with it if it happens to them, because that's what they see."
Not Quite The Usual Setup is available at Books@53 in Sukhumvit Soi 53 and on Amazon. Pepa O'Donovan Soler will host a book reading session at Bangkok Prep on February 28 at 9:30am. Admission is free.
Pepa O’Donovan Soler reads Not Quite The Usual Setup to her students.
