Dear Khun Mark Zuckerberg, We recently learned a Facebook office was opened in Thailand — and also heard news of a potential “Dislike” button (about time, man), so we would like to speak with you about something important. If you haven’t yet been scared off by our Dear Leader’s plan for a single gateway initiative, we would like to propose buttons and features that capture the interaction of Thai Facebookers.
We know, we know, you must have a big team working for you already, but we at Guru have come up with small details that may be overlooked. You are welcome to turn any of them into realities. We’re doing this for the greater good. Just don’t forget to give us credit — and like the Guru Facebook page (#shamelessselfpromotion).
Without further ado, here are 16 features and buttons we would like to see happen for Thai Facebook users.
1. The phrase jai yen yen (literally “cold heart” in English) is the Thai way to say, “Chill, dude” or “It’s gonna be OK, dear”, or “Take it easy, man”. Use the “Jai Yen Yen” button to console a friend who is complaining about a bad day at the office or being stuck in traffic that is stickier than sticky rice.
2. Thais say sathu in several situations — to show appreciation of someone else’s good deed being one of them. Therefore, when a friend posts a photo of him or herself donating blood or making merit at a temple, you can virtually say it with a “Sathu” button.
3. Onomatopoeic laughter, in English, happens to sound like the word for the number five in Thai. That’s why Thai Facebook users reply “555” to a funny status or picture. We propose a “555” button to get rid of those all those unnecessary “555s” in the comment feed. Laughter isn’t a comment, by the way. Just sayin’.
4. Not everything on your newsfeed is real. Sometimes people unintentionally share an unverified story, so there should be “Fake News Alert” feature to help prevent the spreading of rumours.
5. A “TMB (Too Much Boob)” button is rather self-explanatory. Give this to a girl whose cleavage takes up one-third of her selfie.
6. An “Eye Roll” button will come in handy when you want to throw some shade to friends who ostentatiously show off their new expensive bag, supercar or vacation.
7. Feel guilty when birthday alerts pop up, but too lazy to write something nice for the 16 people who happen to be born that day? An “Auto HBD Wishes” feature can automatically post “Happy Birthday to you” on the walls of those special boys and girls on your behalf, which means you can instead use your precious time to harvest virtual crops on your iPhone.
8. You can’t just simply “like” a video of a squad of Pikachus dancing to a Flo Rida song. It warms your heart with so much adorableness that the only appropriate response to is to click an “Aww” button.
9. Everyone has a weirdo or two with morbid interests on their social network, who may share macabre photos or videos of accidents or crime scenes. Not cool. Show them you’re disgusted with the “Eww” button before unfriending them.
10. People share their successes and milestones — graduations, engagements and whatnot — all the time. A simple “like” isn’t enough for these special occasions. A “Congratulations!” button would make it easy for people to, well, congratulate others.
11. The “I Like It, But I Didn’t Actually Read It” button would be for those who like to appear informed, but don’t often get past an article’s introduction or even the first sentence.
12. “Gullible much?” should be available so people can respond to news regarding superstitious beliefs (i.e. villagers worshipping a man who claims to be a medium for a mythical serpent and slithers around in an inflatable pool).
13. Use the “Compliment fishing” button when someone complains about being fat when they obviously aren’t — or about looking awful when they have a full make-up on.
14. Use the “Buffalo” button to humiliate someone whose status is unforgivably ridden with typos.
15. A “Drool” button should be available so foodies can admire edible artwork on their newsfeeds. It will also come in handy when people want to show their fancy for a BTS cute guy, a cute runner girl, a cute bank teller, etc.
16. To increase national productivity, we suggest a “Timer” feature that allows users to access Facebook for only a certain number hours per day — and locks them out after time’s up. This should lead to a higher GDP for Thailand.
