Apart from the ‘Old Firm’ of Celtic and Rangers, one of the most famous clubs in Scotland is Heart of Midlothian, better known simply as Hearts.
Sadly, Hearts have fallen on bad times — very bad times — as a result of gross financial mismanagement. However, latest reports suggest they are safe from liquidation… just.
The disastrous handling of the club’s affairs is too depressing to go into here, suffice to say, the ‘Romanov Revolution’ which began in 2004 under Russian-Lithuanian multi-millionare Vladimir Romanov turned out to be a total disaster, leaving the club with a massive debt.
Hearts’ relegation from the Scottish Premiership this season came as no surprise. The club with the distinctive maroon shirts, had begun the season on minus 15 points after going into administration and with a team of youngsters, never really looked like they could overhaul the points deficit.
If the club survives, at least next season they will be able to play their old foes Rangers once again. The Glasgow team, who themselves were demoted a couple of years ago to the fourth tier for financial irregularities, have just been promoted to the Championship.
One thing you can never take away from Hearts, however, is their magnificent name. Heart of Midlothian has a truly poetic ring to it. The name is derived from an old dance hall in Edinburgh, the Heart of Midlothian Dancing Club, where the founders used to visit for entertainment.
No matter how dysfunctional Scottish football might be, there is no disputing they boast some of the most attractive club names in football.
Apart from Hearts, there are such clubs as Queen of the South, Inverness Caledonian Thistle, Hamilton Academicals and Partick Thistle. They are all names which conjure up a strong Caledonian flavour.
Queen of the South hail from the town of Dumfries, in southern Scotland near the England border. The club’s name is derived from the town’s nickname, ‘Queen of the South’ .
According to When Saturday Comes, the club’s nickname, Doonhammers comes from the way Dumfries people talk about their town when they are away, as in “doon hame” . However they are more commonly referred to as ‘Queens’.
Inverness Caledonian Thistle is another stirring name. The club was formed in 1994 as a result of a merger between Caledonian FC and Inverness Thistle FC. They were originally called Caledonian Thistle but added Inverness in 1996, and that’s the way it has stayed, although they are often referred to as ‘Caley Thistle’.
The club features in one of the most famous football headlines ever written. It followed a remarkable result in 2000 when the part-timers travelled to Parkhead and defeated huge favourites, Celtic 3-1 in the Scottish Cup.
It prompted the magnificent headline in the Scottish Sun: “Super Caley Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious.”
The result caused such a shock that Celtic manager John Barnes was soon without a job.
Another team named after the prickly plant are Partick Thistle, among whose supporters are comedian Billy Connolly who joked in the early days: “For years I thought the club’s name was Partick Thistle Nil.” A sense of humour certainly helps if you support a team like the ‘Jags’.
One of Nobby’s favourites as a kid was Hamilton Academicals, purely because they didn’t sound like a football team. In fact the ‘Accies’ are still the only professional club in the UK to be named after a school, Hamilton Academy.
Another evocative name is Raith Rovers, whose home is the industrial town of Kirkcaldy.
There’s no such place as Raith, but after one victory a BBC football commentator came out with “they will be dancing on the streets of Raith tonight”. The club gets its name from the Laird of Raith, whose land they used to play on in the old days.
It is Raith who hold the unfortunate record of being the only professional team in the UK to go an entire season without winning a home match (1962-63).
Raith are also the only team on record that has been shipwrecked. Their boat ran aground off the Canary Islands back in 1920 and the entire team were rescued by lifeboat.
We must not forget their fleeting magical moment in the 1995-96 Uefa Cup when the half time score at Bayern’s Olympic Stadium read: Bayern 0 Raith Rovers 1.
Some of the Scottish club nicknames are worthy of inspection too, like Clyde’s ‘Bully Wee’. This goes back to the time of Clyde’s best team who were all diminutive players, but tough as nails.
Then there’s the ‘Honest Men’ of Ayr United, derived from the Robbie Burns poem, Tam O’Shanter, in which he praises the town:
Auld Ayr, wham ne’er a town surpasses,
For honest men and bonnie lasses.
Sadly, not all the clubs survive. There used to be a team called Third Lanark, named after the Third Lanarkshire Volunteers. They were sometimes known as the Hi-Hi as you could get a good view of Glasgow from their ground, situated on a hill. That was the only elevated aspect of the club, however, as they were usually near the bottom of the table and went bust in 1967.
Finally, there is Queen’s Park, currently bottom of the entire Scottish League, who remarkably are still an amateur team. Perhaps even more remarkable is that their normal home is Hampden Park, although they have temporarily moved to Ayr United’s stadium while Hampden is refurbished.
All rather strange really — the worst team playing at the best and biggest stadium. But then, that’s Scottish football.