A reader relates that he was in a branch of a home improvements store in Thailand recently inspecting toilets for a new bathroom extension. There were several rows of toilets and while he was strolling around, two young boys, aged about six or seven, came running down one of the aisles. No parents were in sight. The boys stopped, giggled, lifted up the lid of one of the toilet bowls and proceeded to pee in it, right in the middle of the store. Still giggling, they ran off.
Considering their young age, we will give them the benefit of the doubt and suggest they were bursting to take a leak and, coming across this unexpected giant "bathroom", simply couldn't resist the temptation. Mind you, the giggling is a bit of a giveaway. One also suspects that they are not the first to have christened display toilets in such a manner.
Admittedly, one of the more uncomfortable feelings in life, which everyone has experienced, is desperately wanting to use a toilet but owing to circumstances there being nowhere to go. I remember walking along Sathon Road in the early 1970s when ominous rumblings in the stomach suggested a pending attack of the dreaded Bangkok Trots.
In those days the only decent toilets were in the few first-class hotels, and there weren't any on Sathon. I hailed a taxi which then proceeded to rattle its way painfully slowly to the nearest hotel I knew, The Oriental, making it to the plush restroom just in time. The uniformed doorman even saluted as I entered the foyer, which was a nice touch considering the nature of my visit. It's not every day you hail a taxi just to find a toilet and also receive a salute in the process.
Public inconvenience
A toilet came to the temporary rescue in 2008 of then prime minister Samak Sundaravej. Pursued by a gaggle of journalists in Bangkok, the outnumbered PM was forced to take refuge in a Chatuchak toilet to escape the persistent newshounds who surrounded the public convenience. It was a bit like the Battle of the Alamo, minus Davy Crockett.
Not surprisingly, the beleaguered Samak had a few choice words for the newshounds when he finally emerged from the Chatuchak toilet, not the most salubrious of locations, one would imagine.
Samak was not the first politician to spend longer than intended in a toilet. Margaret Thatcher suffered such an indignity back in 1977 when she was leader of the opposition. She was staying at a top hotel in Houston, Texas, when the inside handle on the lavatory door failed to function and she couldn't get out. After a lot of shouting from Mrs T, she was eventually rescued by embarrassed hotel staff and was reportedly "not amused". Inevitably there were a lot of "Houston, we have a problem" jokes doing the rounds after that.
Spending a penny in Paris
The lack of public toilets is a problem in big cities around the world. A few years ago, there was an article in an English newspaper about the shortage of toilets in Paris. The paper came up with the splendid headline "To Loos La Trek".
Paris toilets cropped up again in a report in The Times. Speaking on the necessity to charge entrance fees for art exhibitions in London, a British cabinet minister was quoted in the paper as saying "you expect to pay for going to the loo".
The next day the reporter who had phoned in the story was spotted having a heated exchange with the sub-editor who took his call, explaining the existence of the Louvre museum in Paris.
London calling
In London too it can be hard to find a functioning public convenience. On a recent visit I had to resort to going into pubs and ordering a pint just so I could use the toilet -- admittedly not a great hardship.
In the film The Adventures of Barry McKenzie, there was an entertaining scene in which the crude Australian lead character, played by Barry Crocker, is trying to find a toilet in London, or a "dunny" as he called it. He asks a passer-by, who hasn't a clue what he's talking about. It went something like this: "Now listen, mate. I need to splash the boots. You know, strain the potatoes, water the horses, drain the dragon, siphon the python." Those Aussies certainly have a way with words.
Weak bladder, m'lud
It does not matter how much a celebrity you might be, you can't defy the call of nature, as the Rolling Stones discovered. After a London concert in 1965, the group were returning home in a car when bassist Bill Wyman announced he was bursting and needed to take a leak. So they stopped at a petrol station but the attendant told Wyman there wasn't a toilet, which they didn't believe. So Wyman, joined by Mick Jagger and Brian Jones, ended up piddling against the garage wall ... when the police showed up.
According to one of the Stones, a policeman shone a torch at them and said in classic Sgt Plod style: "All right, what are you lot up to then?"
In court a few months later, Wyman, Jagger and Jones were all fined a fiver, with the judge apparently not being impressed by Wyman's "weak bladder" defence.
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