Until April 12, the biggest annual lottery will keep Thai men on edge: the military draft.
This year the army, the navy and the air force will cart off a combined number of 103,097 men to the barracks, where they'll be trained in the high arts of patriotism, push-ups, target practice, car washing, floor scrubbing, general servitude, and the celebrated "how to be a man" subject. They will be trained to fight… what? Since the army will get 10 new made-in-China tanks and soon new submarines (at a bargain price), let's hope the conscripts get into some real action with real enemies, not those imagined in the fevered dreams of some generals.
I don't mean to belittle those who appreciate a career in the military. In fact nearly 40% of the required number of army recruits are made up of men who apply directly, with the rest coming from the lottery jars -- the jars that work like the Sorting Hat in Harry Potter, except that everyone here goes to Slytherin.
The 103,097 slots are a big increase from 81,701 in 2007, making us wonder why we need so many military personnel and if the militarisation of Thailand is on an unstoppable march.
Salute those who want to fight for the country. And remember, too, the story of Private Yutthakinun Boonniam, a conscript who was brutally beaten to death last week. Let's admit it: the draft is dreaded, and 21-year-old men search for ways to wriggle out of a two-year stint in the barracks that would put the brakes on whatever else they want to do in life.
So, unless you can flee across the border, let's recap on some of the foolproof ways to dodge the draft.
Rian Ror Dor: This is a great oxymoron of the system. A large number of high-school students study ror dor, or territorial defence, conducted by the military one afternoon every week for three years. Most of them do this for the sole purpose of being exempt from the draft when they turn 21 -- not because they love military training or being patriotic. In short, it's an escape route, and in any event, it's still a manifestation of the militarised mentality that has become part of the mainstream school curriculum.
Self-amputation: Are you kidding me? Sir no, sir. The story of people who shoot themselves in the foot (literally) to flee the rendezvous with a drill sergeant has circulated for years. In the age of social media, we even have proof: A man recently filmed himself chopping off the tip of his finger, which will disqualify him from the draft. And while we have to question the state of mind of those who could go that far, it reminds us of the genuine fright and woozy trepidation the draft has inspired in generations of men.
Drag queen stint: Nationalism and gender fluidity clash on this point. True, there are real transgenders who show up at the draft in a full display of feminine ambitions, some of them so ravishing they turn the heads of the whole Defence Ministry. But there are 50 shades of gays, apparently: there have been reports of men who dress up as women and feign homosexuality to fool the officials.
The army is upset, and real transgenders are upset. Argument has broken out about how "gay" you have to be to merit an exemption -- how can you judge someone for being a homosexual, a transgender, a transsexual? And what if, in turn, a transgender wants to serve since it's their right? The post-modern world is too dizzying for the pre-modern military system to cope with sometimes.
The Muhammad Ali method: This is a noble way of standing up against the system you perceive as a violation of your rights. It's also the most dangerous. In 1967 Muhammad Ali refused to report to the US Army as they were drafting young men to fight in Vietnam.
Applying for the conscientious objector classification, the boxer was sentenced to five years in jail, though he stayed out and appealed in the famous 1971 Clay v United States that overturned his conviction.
I wouldn't recommend anyone to try this at home; I would never have attempted it myself given the state of military rule. But seriously, what war are we fighting? If the Vietnam War was conceived in sin, the "war" we're fighting and recruiting 103,097 able-bodied men for is a figment of the imagination and hypnotism.
Every time someone says that, the charge of being unpatriotic flies -- but how can we be so unpatriotic when we pay tax that goes to fund the 214-billion-baht defence budget, a whopping figure for a peaceful nation, a figure far higher than what is allocated for the Health Ministry, not to mention other "soft" human-related authorities?
No more proof is need. The times we're living in are the times of tanks, guns and submarines.
Kong Rithdee is Life Editor, Bangkok Post.