Plainclothes police are staking out the hideout, snipers lock on to their targets from the tops of surrounding buildings and a truckload of Swat team members are hiding nearby _ it's the quiet before the storm. Suspects all accounted for in the hideout, check. Certain evidence confirmed in the hideout, check. Communication lines secured, neighbourhood cleared, weapons locked and loaded, full metal jackets in place, check, check and check.
''Take them out! Go! Go! Go!'' The element of surprise is half the battle.
Ah, the goose-bumps I get when watching a police raid in a Hollywood movie. But when I learned I was to witness my first real-life Thai police raid on the morning of Feb 28, I wasn't that excited.
At 10.30am, the question came: ''What are you doing at the office, aren't you supposed to be at the raid?'' Answer: ''Bah, there's no hurry.'' At 11.30am another question: ''Shouldn't you have left already?'' Answer: ''Nah, I'll leave in an hour.''
At the scene, 1pm. Inside the compound of the Cabbages & Condoms restaurant, a man with a shaved head standing under the scorching sun, sweat oozing from his every pore. A pair of Ray-Bans covered his sad, mysterious eyes. His hands rested on his hips in a devil-may-care manner befitting a lone cowboy eyeing a group of pilgrims, who were even sweatier since they had been there for hours. The cowboy, who could have used a hat, sighed and with an exasperating twang said: ''Nothing happening yet, pilgrims?''
''No,'' one pilgrim replied.
A big crowd of reporters and cameramen have been waiting at the compound since early morning. The police are expected to raid the medical clinic on the second floor of the restaurant. The clinic _ which is not part of the restaurant _ is suspected of providing illegal abortions. A couple of police cars and a few policemen were waiting around. Some 45 minutes later, the commander and other bigwigs arrive. The raid is happening. They are ready to go. The bigwigs then march upstairs, followed by their police entourage as reporters and cameramen crowd after them. The members of the media were prevented from going up by the police. Foreign patrons of the restaurant looked on, bewildered.
More waiting. Some 30 minutes later the bigwigs come down. Camera lights flashing, microphones jabbing, questions spewing _ ''What did you find?'' ''What did you see?''
''We found nothing,'' says the commanding officer, beads of sweat dripping down his forehead.
Arms folded over his chest, a sardonic smirk painted across his face, leaning against a wall away from the hoop-la, nonchalant, the cowboy in the white shirt and khaki trousers scoffs, ''No kidding.''
Why wouldn't he scoff? The whole city knew about the raid. The media were there since the small hours. The clinic, if indeed it performs illegal abortions, had at least half a day to destroy or hide evidence. Element of surprise? None.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the great charade. It is not borne out of any sinister intention, mind you. It is simply a pretence.
Ever wonder why Deputy Prime Minister Chalerm Yubamrung's war against illegal casinos always ends up with police raiding empty houses and compounds? Well, that's because the good deputy prime minister always tells the media where the raids will be. Everyone from the pit boss to the card dealers, dice rollers and topless serving girls have days to clear out. It is all just a charade. In Thai, we call it srang paap, which literally means ''to create a picture''. What is the picture? It's the one that shows how a proper society is supposed to be. A proper society must have laws against abortion, drugs, gambling and prostitution. So we pretend to have them.
But at the same time we are practical and know the realities of the world. No society on Earth will ever be rid of vice. But because a moderately well-known bikini model told the press that she had an abortion at the clinic, which led to widespread disapproval and consternation from a self-righteous society, the police must srang paap, or pretend to stage a raid.
Just as the Pheu Thai Party needs a good PR campaign, Deputy Prime Minister Chalerm needs to srang paap with his war against illegal casinos, so he pretends to fight the war.
Everybody knows it is srang paap, but we go along with it anyway _ the politicians, the police, the media and the public.
We all know well that abortion and gambling won't go away as long as men live and breathe, but since moral righteousness is as natural to mankind as lust and greed, we all need to pretend to be doing something against abortion and gambling, along with many other pretences.
For example, we pretend Hua Hin is the Hamptons of Thailand, a lure for high-end tourists. In reality, more tourists prefer Pattaya, the Sodom and Gomorrah of Thailand. In fact, even in Hua Hin's sub-sois, one will find a mini Sodom and Gomorrah.
On Ratchadaphisek Road, the Thailand Cultural Centre is the pretend version. The real version are the rows of so-called ''health and spa'' entertainment complexes with very high monthly water bills. The famous Thai smile is the pretend version in tourist brochures, and this is true enough as we are generally a nice and smiling people. But there's also dual pricing and the various horror stories of tourist shakedowns.
One of my favourite videos on YouTube is of three bar girls beating up a foreign male customer. Don't misunderstand, violence is wrong and those girls should be punished. If we can't make Thailand safe for sex tourists, then by the gods we are bad hosts.
But by those very same gods, if you don't find three bar girls beating up a sex tourist funny, then you need to drink more milk to strengthen that funny bone. (Note: They weren't ladyboys either.)
We pretend to have bicycle lanes by painting some lines on the streets, but the reality is if one more gang of yuppie cyclists cuts in front of my car, I might just go berserk and run some fools over. Where do you think you are, San Diego? This here is a congested, polluted, poorly planned developing world city, don't you know? Go cycle in Beijing! OK, I just needed to let that out. But really, you're saving the environment and all that so good on you, just be more careful.
The Tourism Authority of Thailand markets the pretend Thailand as up-market and cultural, a destination for eco-tourism _ and true enough there are up-market destinations, wonderful cultural sites and eco-tourism. But the real version is Soi Cowboy, Patpong, Patong Beach, Pattaya's Walking Street and so on. These are the places that bring in much more tourist baht than any cultural or eco attractions. It's all about srang paab.
The fact that Thailand is rampant with vices doesn't make us unique. The Americans have Las Vegas. The Europeans have Ibiza and Amsterdam. The Middle Easterners import their Caucasian females. And everyone comes to Thailand.
Every society pretends to make laws and perform raids as part of a charade to suggest a war on vices, from the most advanced of societies to the poorest of developing countries.What makes us unique and different is our stubborn pretence in the face of blatant realities. The most popular English words in the Thai language _ other than ''yes'', ''no'', ''hab a loog serr'' and the like _ is ''trendy''.
This is our obsession with PR and marketing. This is our need to pretend or srang paap. The over-emphasis on this is vomit-inducing.
I know I'm not the only Thai who feels loathing and nausea at srang paap. There are plenty of us.
Thailand is like Sukhumvit Soi 12. It's a poorly planned, but rather well-off neighborhood with sky-high condominiums sandwiching a street that is way too small. Lovely families live there and two of Bangkok's best restaurants are located on the soi. There is also a Korean shopping and eating complex, adding to the vibrant multi-ethnicity that is Bangkok and Soi 12.
But the soi also houses a clinic alleged to perform illegal abortions, which the police chose to raid.
The police chose not to raid the after-hours nightclub, the health and spa entertainment complex with a very high monthly water bill and the gentleman's club stocked with ladies of the Slavic persuasion.
All of this can be found in a soi without any pavement, where the street is so narrow two cars can barely pass , yet cars still insist on parking on the street.
This is my beloved Thailand. She's a flawed beauty, but a beauty she is. If only she would wear less make-up.
Contact Voranai Vanijaka via email at voranaiv@bangkokpost.co.th.