I recently spent a lovely evening strolling through Soi Nasty, which runs parallel to Everything Decent Comes Here to Die Street. I'm sure you guys are familiar with this area, as it's the perfect place to have a blessed family outing, propose marriage to your beloved, or reach enlightenment. In this culturally enriching district friendly strangers yell out to you, polite men grab your hand, generous women offer themselves like sacrificial lambs, and some motorcyclists even swerve to avoid making sidewalk squash out of you.
Indeed, if you ever need a reminder of what "goodness" and "decorum" looks like, you'll find it in this slice of Eden, where Adam is usually a Madam and Eve has surgically transformed into Steve.
As my virgin eyes were taking in the visual orgy and being reminded of such truths as "Bad Guys Go to Pattaya", while receiving an answer to the age-old question, "Where can one buy brass knuckles, laser pointers and knives in the same place?", I heard a sweet, angelic voice beckoning me over yonder.
"Hey you! Sexy DVDs! You want? Sexy DVDs!"
By golly, DVDs that are sexy? Optical discs that could be perceived as attractive? I've heard models, Ananda, and obviously myself described as "sexy" before, but never a circular piece of plastic.
I had to find out more about this amazing innovation so I followed the sound of the sweet, angelic voice until I approached a small table that looked like a fetishist's goodie drawer had exploded on it.
"Sexy DVDs! Cheap! You buy?" bellowed the sweet, angelic voice again.
I looked around for DVDs shaped like a masculine man or doubling as nipple clamps, but was disappointed to only see grainy R-rated images badly printed on a piece of paper, and hastily stuffed in a plastic cover.
Confused, I remarked: "Pardon my forthrightness dear sire. Let me first state that I respect that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but your persistence in calling these DVDs 'sexy' seems to be false advertising. There's nothing remotely eye-catching about an object with a hole in it, unless it's a woman or a doughnut."
The seller ignored me.
Undeterred, I continued: "I know you don't come to my place of work and tell me how to do my job. But if you're going to display this illegal smut openly on our sidewalks, then the least you could do is rework your sales pitch! And look at your messy presentation! Your pornography and scary-looking sex toys should at least be organised neatly so prospective customers can see them clearly."
"Are you going to buy anything?" the pervy peddler barked.
"Pray tell, what is this thing labelled 'Vigra'?" I responded innocently, trying to change the subject.
"Get out of here," the degenerate dealer ordered.
That was it. My moral diatribe had reached its climax, and I exploded:
"Noble man, I understand that you are trying to make a living just like everybody else. But some of us want to be able to walk past these sidewalk stalls without feeling like we have to take a shower for a week after.
"Do we citizens not have a right to live in a society where laws are enforced, and we don't have to be exposed to nasty porn and sex toys any more than we have to? There are children walking here for god's sake! What if they accidentally put one of your genital pumps in their mouth? What if they mistake a dildo for a lollipop?
"More importantly, do you not worry about a police crackdown? Wait, sorry, that was a dumb question.
"But seriously, I am going to spread the word about our encounter. I am a super-famous editor and people the world over will read all about the availability of gross - not to mention illegal - stuff all over Bangkok's streets, and we'll begin a revolution! Customers will boycott your products and instead go to Patpong or Nana and get the real thing. Officials will lay awake at night coming up with a foolproof plan to get rid of all this blatant filth once and for all, or at least figure out a zoning plan to keep this grime from taking over the city!"
The seller looked unconvinced: "Go ahead and write about it. Nothing is going to happen."
He's right, isn't he?