Bangkok Post : Baby, it's just so cold outside

POST SCRIPT

Not for the first time I have lost face in our household. Like many Thais, my wife has never experienced snow, and on a couple of trips to England has been disappointed not to see at least a little flurry. I almost felt responsible that I couldn't do a Harry Potter, wave the magic wand and conjure up a brief blizzard to satisfy her wishes.

A few weeks ago I saw her examining a couple of Christmas cards we received from England. Both featured traditional snowy landscapes with chirping robins and she asked why we couldn't go there when it was like that. I suspect that after an hour in that sort of stuff she would be demanding to come back on the very next plane to Thailand. Anyway, I explained in authoritative tones that it rarely snowed really heavily in England - not in the south anyway - and there were even winters when we didn't experience any of the flaky stuff at all.

Of course, the day after those words of wisdom I switched on the TV to discover virtually the whole of England, including my home town, had disappeared under a thick blanket of snow and remained that way for a week or more. I suspect the wife won't be seeking me out in future for any more perceptive meteorological insights.

Frustrated on Fuji

As far as the wife is concerned I haven't got a very good track record on matters concerning snow. In Japan last year we ventured to Mount Fuji where I had promised we would at least see some of the white stuff near the summit. Of course it turned out to be a wretched day and the top half of the mountain was totally hidden in cloud. There was a brief moment when the clouds cleared and we spotted a sizeable patch of snow and ice, but that was not exactly what she had in mind. The problem is that she finds it freezing when the temperature drops to 20C in Thailand, so basically she wants to experience snow without getting cold. Now that is something of a dilemma.

Fashionable weather

I had been wondering what had happened to the Thai "winter", or rather cool season, this year. There were a couple of days in December when it was quite pleasant, but then it was gone. However, earlier this week I awoke to a delightful cool breeze and a distinct drop in temperature. As is well known, the most important function of cooler weather in this country is that it gives Thai people the opportunity to wear something a bit different After all, it gets a bit boring walking around in short sleeves or light dresses the whole year. Never a chance to wear a mackintosh, scarf or a thick overcoat like those lucky Europeans. So the brief drop in temperature is an opportunity to give the old sua naow (sweater) a bit of an airing, or even better, buy a new one even though the cold spell will only last a few days.

The desire to wear something a bit different, however, can go to extremes. At Udon Thani airport in January a couple of years ago I observed a young woman seeing off some relatives. She was wearing a thick fur coat looking like she was about to embark on an Antarctic expedition ... and she was still shivering. Admittedly it was a bit nippy and the fur coat did win some envious glances from those with less elaborate winter wear.

Come rain or come shine

Snow, or rather the absence of it, prompted an embarrassing exchange on a Michigan TV station a couple of years ago. The day after it was supposed to have snowed heavily, but didn't, a female newscaster asked the weatherman quite innocently: "Bob, what happened to that eight inches you promised me last night?" There followed a brief pause before the words sunk in and the weatherman was so convulsed in laughter he had to leave the set.

Weather forecasts are very sophisticated these days, but back in earlier times the British weathermen would appear on television with a plastic sun, clouds and raindrops which they stuck on a map.

I recall one BBC forecaster's plastic cloud kept falling off, much to the delight of my dad who guffawed at every futile attempt to make the rogue cloud stick to its rightful place over London. Like many English people, Crutch Snr regarded himself as an expert on the weather and didn't need any smoothy on the television telling him whether it was going to rain or not, especially one grovelling around on the floor looking for his plastic cloud.

One forecaster during a particularly grim British summer tried to cheer up viewers by announcing there was a "rumour of sun". As it turned out, the rumour proved to be totally unfounded.

Possibly the best weather forecast ever appeared in the Arab News in 1979 following severe flooding in Jeddah. The report read: "We regret we are unable to give you the weather. We rely on weather reports from the airport, which is closed because of the weather. Whether we are able to give you the weather tomorrow depends on the weather."

Outlook changeable

Finally, here is the forecast for Thailand. Occasional outbreaks of red shirts and yellow shirts followed by flurries of boys in green. Widespread funny business leading to periods of mulling, probing and gale-force denials. Occasional storms in a teacup with sporadic outbreaks of Thaksin. Westerly windbags accompanied by parliamentary hot air, thick bureaucratic fog and strong undercurrents of stuff and nonsense. Relative humbug 90%. Future outlook: pretty bleak.

Contact PostScript via email at oldcrutch@hotmail.com.