The news has been so gloomy in Thailand that I admit to have been scratching around in search of something remotely cheerful to write about.
Then I came across a picture of violinist Vanessa Mae in her colourful skiing outfit representing Thailand in the Winter Olympics, holding her arms up in delight as she crossed the finishing line in the women’s slalom. She looked as if she had just won a gold medal, but in fact she was celebrating coming last, or put a little less painfully, 67th.
Talk about positive thinking
OK, Vanessa Mae is only half Thai and can’t ski that great, but she knows how to have fun. At the age of 35, she referred to herself as a “mad old woman”, which is rather alarming for a certified wrinkly like myself, and admitted her main aim was simply “not to get lost”.
Although she was the last finisher, 22 others didn’t even make it to the end, so, to look on the bright side, she wasn’t really last.
Anyway, for someone ranked 2,253rd in the world, she can feel proud of herself, fulfilling her dream of performing in the Olympics. Now she can go back to her daytime job and her “violin techno-acoustic fusion”, whatever that is. I think in the correct musical terms it means that she’s pretty handy with the fiddle.
Snowballs and snowfalls
Not ever having skated, skied or snowboarded myself, I admire anyone who performs winter sports. However, at school I was pretty useful in snowball fights and we would have a great time sliding on ice after a snowfall.
Unfortunately teachers, as is their wont, always spoiled things by putting salt on the ice and ruining our fun. I tried the toboggan a couple of times at a place with the quaint name of Bugs Bottom, but after crashing in undignified fashion, which prompted much mirth from onlookers, decided snow sports were not my cup of tea.
I haven’t experienced snow for the past 30 years and can’t say I miss it too much, although the wife is always pestering me to take her somewhere where she can witness the white stuff falling.
The problem is that she starts shivering when it’s 20C, which creates bit of a dilemma. Basically she wants to experience snow without getting cold.
Born virtuoso
In addition to never skiing, I have never played the violin either. Well, there was one time when I was about 12 years old and our music teacher at school called me out in front of the class, handed over a rough old violin and bow, and asked me to “play something”.
I didn’t even know how to hold the wretched thing, let alone play it. I couldn’t get it to stick under my chin properly and after extracting a couple of painful screeching noises — akin to a cat being strangled — the class collapsed into laughter and I was sent back to my seat, totally humiliated. So my career as a violinist lasted approximately 10 seconds.
The teacher embarrassed me again later in the year, this time with a trumpet, with similar dismal results.
Tickling the ivories
I was fortunate enough to experience proper piano lessons, although you would never know it. The teacher used to come to our house every Thursday evening and I hated every minute of it. The problem was that he wanted me to play minuets, sonatas and waltzes, while all I wanted to do was to get stuck into rock ’n’ roll.
If he had shown me how to play the opening chords of Louie Louie or Jailhouse Rock, I might even have become a real pianist, although admittedly that’s stretching things a bit.
The piano remains my favourite instrument and just like my mum forecast, I regret abandoning the lessons after a year … although the neighbours were absolutely delighted.
World’s worst orchestra
All instruments sound painful in the wrong hands, but a mishandled violin can be particularly excruciating.
We can think ourselves lucky that all the protesters in the Bangkok shutdown campaign have been using whistles rather than violins. Just imagine the horrendous racket if they got the violins out.
Which brings us to the world’s worst orchestra, otherwise known as the Portsmouth Sinfonia. It was formed in 1970 by students and an important requirement was that members did not display any proficiency at all in their chosen instrument. Real musicians were only allowed to participate if they used instruments they didn’t normally play.
Their first public performance was the William Tell Overture and was a huge success, with the audience falling off their seats with laughter. So popular were their performances that they came out with an album in 1974 and performed to a packed house at the Royal Albert Hall.
Splendidly atrocious
There are several examples of the Sinfonia’s offerings on YouTube.
You should really give their Classical Muddley a try — three minutes and 28 seconds of inspired musical anarchy. I laughed my head off when I first heard it. The “muddley” includes such masterpieces as the 1812 Overture, Nutcracker Suite and the Hallelujah Chorus like you’ve never heard them before.
If you are feeling a bit miserable, it will definitely brighten up your day.
As one reviewer noted: “An atrocious record by an atrocious orchestra. It is, quite frankly, sublime.”
Contact PostScript via email at oldcrutch@hotmail.com.