I think that most women have a love-hate relationship with the “G” word. When I first learned that I was about to become a “grandmother”, I admit that I had mixed feelings. Initially, I was very excited when my daughter told me that she was pregnant; I was happy that she would get to experience the joy of motherhood and I was anxious to spoil my grandchild rotten.
My next thoughts were: “Oh my, how time flies.” The next was: “I’m too young to be a grandmother”, followed by, “This child is going to call me ar maa (grandma in Chinese)!” Then: “I am too young and too fabulous to be an ar maa. That’s something my daughter calls my mother!”
Don’t get me wrong. I am thrilled for my daughter and am sure that she is going to be a good mum. I’ve always imagined my grandmother role would be to provide advice and tips on pregnancy and raising children and on occasions make visits, play with my grandchild and spoil the kid with toys and love. The parents will be the tough disciplinarians while the grandparents will be loving, forgiving and fun.
My first few months as a prospective grandma were not as smooth as I imagined. Although I was ready to lend my wisdom, after a few conversations with my daughter, I realised that my medical knowledge was a bit out of date. Advances in prenatal care have grown in leaps and bounds. There has been research conducted on everything from nutrition, foetus development to drugs research.
When I was pregnant with my daughter, I had a bad case of morning sickness. I tried practically every remedy under the sun, but suffered for nearly four months and grew so thin that the doctor was concerned. I had a very vivid experience and so was ready to give advice and waited and waited for my daughter to call concerning her morning sickness.
But I never got the call. As it turns out, my daughter only had minor nausea for about a month. She told me that she had been planning to combat morning sickness by exercising and taking pregnancy vitamins for nearly a year before she was pregnant. Intake of Vitamin B6 is known to alleviate morning sickness symptoms and exercise helps balance hormones. I was concerned that she was exercising too vigorously because she ran on average around 35km per week, so I advised her to slow down and take it easy. She listened, but continued to run. Running a full 42km Bangkok marathon in order to prepare for pregnancy seemed a bit extreme in my opinion, but for her, it has always been all or nothing. Maybe it was luck, maybe it was the regime, but whatever the actual reason, I hate to admit it, she’s doing great.
Nowadays, the internet has made it easier for pregnant women, doctors and nurses to share information and experiences. Back when I was pregnant, I relied on my mother, my doctors, friends and books for advice and help. Things have surely changed. My daughter was not only taking my advice, but the tips of other bloggers, new mums, fellow pregnant women, doctors, midwives, nurses and other grandmas. She doesn’t even need to call her doctors or go in for test results. Her doctor sends everything instantly to her smart phone and if she has questions, it’s just a simple text message.
In my mind, I pictured my daughter relying more on me. A small part of me felt as if her family is being replaced by an iPhone and laptop. I taught my daughter to be smart and resourceful, but I’ve always counted me as a part of her resources. In today’s computer age, however, it’s possible that a mother’s wisdom can be found behind a keyboard and a glowing screen. Why ask for a mother’s advice when Uncle Google is available 24/7?
I was stunned when my daughter sent me a picture of my 10-week grandchild on ultrasound over Line. The baby was a little bigger than 10cm! She even said that she would record the sound of the baby’s heartbeat for me on her iPhone next time. I was floored. I was feeling a bit disappointed that my vision of grandmother-hood did not really materialise as planned — until about two weeks ago. My daughter called me after her 13-week check-up and told me that she is having a boy. What? She was only a bit more than three months along! Then my daughter explained about the angle of a nub and that the sonogram technician was 98% sure it was a boy. And, again, no thanks to technology, I felt like a dinosaur roaming the Earth. But just then my daughter said that she wanted to call everyone in the family before uploading the news on Facebook. It was special news, she said, and I was her first call.
I realised that my desire to give advice actually had another motivation. Deep down, I just wanted to be involved and included in my daughter’s new adventure. She had accomplished so many things on her own that I was afraid she would go at raising the baby alone.
My wisdom probably can’t compete with the amount of information on the web. But being a grandma is not just about me dishing out good advice, but about the ability to reassure my daughter that I am here to support her.
In several months, when she is weak from delivering her baby and her husband is at work, I will be there to take care of her. When she is confused about what to do when the baby cries or when she needs someone to watch the baby while she rests, I will be there to help. There is no technology in the world that can replace grandma for that.
Prapai Kraisornkovit is the editor of Life section of the Bangkok Post.