Yesterday was World No Tobacco Day, so it seems to be an appropriate time to discuss the disagreeable weed which was introduced to civilisation in all his wisdom by Sir Walter Raleigh, or as Bob Newhart called him, “Nutty Walt”.
My only serious objection to smokers is when they leave a cigarette smouldering in an ashtray and the smoke proceeds to head straight up my nose.
It is a proven scientific fact that cigarette smoke always drifts up the nose of the non-smoker, no matter which direction the breeze is blowing.
There still seems to be confusion in some Bangkok bars and restaurants over whether smoking is permitted or not.
Maybe they should display the words of Tobias Venner outside their establishments, who wrote back in the 17th century: “Tobacco drieth the brain, dimmeth the sight, vitateth the smell, hurteth the stomach, disturbeth the humours and spirits, corrupteth the breath, induces a trembling of the limbs and scorcheth the heart.”
Adventures of the Blob
We must not overlook the crucial role of our friend the Blob in the war against cigarettes.
You may have seen the Blob in action on a number of Thai TV stations. It races around the screen in pursuit of rogue cigarettes and attempts to blob them out to protect us defenceless viewers.
I say “attempts” because the Blob is not entirely foolproof. There was a gangster movie showing recently in which nearly everyone in the room was smoking, prompting a squadron of blobs to zoom across the screen, fighting a losing battle and reducing a supposedly serious scene to pure farce.
One problem with such absurd censorship is that some of the more memorable moments in movies involve smoking.
In one famous scene from Now Voyager, a fellow lights up two cigarettes and passes one to Bette Davies. It was regarded as a bit naughty at the time.
If they showed this scene on Thai TV there would be a ridiculous blob dancing on Bette’s nose, which one suspects would not enhance the moment.
In the line of duty
The anti-smoking campaign has created a few unintentional laughs in Thailand over the years. The most entertaining incident took place in the 1990s.
A vigorous campaign by the Public Health Ministry was to reach its climax on World Anti-Smoking Day.
There was one minor problem — the Public Health Minister happened to be a heavy smoker and he made it clear he wasn’t going to change a life-time habit, even if it was he who signed the anti-smoking bill.
Nonetheless he courageously made eloquent speeches about the evils of smoking while he was actually gasping for a cigarette himself.
On the big day, he led the anti-smoking march in Bangkok, but observers noted there were an unusual number of toilet breaks during which the minister was seen sprinting for the bathroom, but one suspects, not to take a leak.
Coughing up
Like most teenagers in the 1960s, I indulged in the occasional cigarette, and yes, sometimes it was behind the school bicycle sheds. But I never seriously got into it.
I smoked partly because my mates smoked but, more importantly, because I wasn’t supposed to.
The most popular cigarettes among British schoolboys at that time were Woodbines, advertised as “A Great Little Cigarette”.
The only accurate part of the advertisement was the “little” because they were pretty grim. But they were the cheapest, hence their popularity amongst spotty kids.
In those days there were few restrictions on cigarette advertising and the masses were force-fed such ludicrous slogans as “Consulate — Cool as a Mountain Stream” and “For Your Throat’s Sake Smoke Craven A”.
Lonely nights
The most memorable cigarette ad at the time was “You’re Never Alone with a Strand” featuring a lone fellow by the river bank, lighting up with just his Strand cigarette and the mournful strains of a saxophone for company.
It backfired in a big way because it was interpreted to imply that people who smoked Strand were loners who spent their nights moping around parks and river banks, looking like molesters loitering with intent. The campaign was hastily dumped.
One successful campaign, however, was Lucky Strike’s “Reach for a Lucky instead of a Sweet”, which suggested that people would stay slimmer if they smoked, rather than stuffing themselves with confectionery.
This proved very popular with — excuse the expression — “tubby people”, and is widely believed to have created more women smokers in the US than any other campaign.
Pipe dream
For some reason pipe-smokers don’t seem to offend non-smokers quite so much.
You don’t see many pipes being smoked in Thailand, although they are quite popular among Thai intellectuals, or at least people who think they are intellectual.
As the old saying goes: “A pipe gives a wise man time to think, and a fool something to stick in his mouth.”
Music to the lips
Perhaps the most sensible comment on smoking I have come across is that of the famous Italian conductor and musician, Arturo Toscanini.
When asked why he didn’t smoke he replied: “When I was young, I kissed my first woman and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. Believe me, never since have I wasted my time on tobacco.”
Contact PostScript via email at oldcrutch@hotmail.com.