The news has been so depressing this week we are desperately in need of some light relief. What better than to check out the jokes which were voted the funniest at this year's Edinburgh Festival Fringe which concludes this weekend in Scotland.
Frankly they weren't "roll about on the floor" funny, but a worthy first prize winner was British comedian Tim Vine with: "I've decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust."
It's not exactly a side-splitter, but definitely an improvement on the rest. It won by quite a considerable margin from runner-up Masai Graham who came up with: "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set."
Hmmm. I suspect it only got votes because it was a badger joke — for some reason they always get laughs.
The remainder of the top 10 is not particularly inspiring, although Felicity Ward produced a commendable effort to scrape into 10th place with: "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it."
Sorry about that, really, but they were the winners.
Admittedly they sound a bit like the jokes you get in cheap Christmas crackers.
Stand up and be counted
Vine appears to be the most consistent of the stand-up comedians on show. He also triumphed at the 2010 festival when he won with: "I've just been on a once-in-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
In 2011 he was runner up at the festival with: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."
However he also found himself in the worst jokes category this year with: "I'd like to start with the chimney jokes. I've got a stack of them. The first one is in the house."
Vine actually holds the Guinness world record for telling the most jokes in an hour. At a show in 2004, he clocked up an amazing 499 jokes in 60 minutes and to qualify, each joke had to get laughter from the audience. Now that isn't easy.
That's news to me
To brighten up our daily news bulletins we need announcers like Ronnie Corbett and the late Ronnie Barker. British readers are familiar with the duo who struck up a partnership in The Two Ronnies comedy series in the 1970s and '80s.
One segment I particularly liked was "Newsdesk" at the beginning and end of each show.
They would sit there poker-faced as they read out spoof news items that were far more entertaining than our current daily diet of disaster.
In a deadpan voice Barker would announce: "The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on."
One show began: "In a packed programme tonight we will be talking with an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet."
The jokes weren't that funny, but the delivery and timing were perfect. The following news item depended entirely on Barker's presentation: "The prime minister had a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers."
Lunatics and nudists
Politicians were a favourite target for the Ronnies. One news bulletin opened with Barker announcing: "The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during prime minister's question time. A spokesman for Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack."
There was an element of saucy stuff, but nothing that would offend. With a serious face Barker would report: "The man who invented the zip fastener was today presented with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as Lord of the Flies."
And then there was: "We will continue our investigation into the political beliefs of nudists. We've already noticed a definite swing to the left."
In one bulletin, Corbett reported: "West Mersea police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the chief constable said they must wear their normal uniforms."
Quartet of quaintness
Following last week's item about Bland, Dull and Boring forming a "trinity of tedium", a reader informs me he once lived in a West Yorkshire village called Idle, not far from Bradford. There is even an Idle Men's Working Club, which features an appropriate emblem of a man leaning on a spade. The club has since enjoyed international fame amongst workers around the world and currently has a membership of more than 1,000. Honorary members include former England footballer Paul Gascoigne, celebrated spoon bender Uri Geller and 007 actor Roger Moore. So now we have progressed from a trinity to a quartet — Idle, Bland, Dull and Boring. Any nominations for a place to make up a quintet? An early front-runner could be Dismal in Tennessee.
It's all in the timing
To finish up, here's a joke from one of the best stand-up comedians of all time, Tommy Cooper, who died while performing on stage 30 years ago. Again, with Tommy, the jokes were quite ordinary, but the timing and delivery most certainly were not.
A woman told her doctor, "I've got a bad back." The doctor said, "It's old age." The woman said, "I want a second opinion." The doctor replied, "OK, you're ugly as well."
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