I trust everyone has survived the festive season in suitably salubrious fashion and is feeling as bloated and immobile as Crutch.
Most of us will probably be glad to see the back of the Year of the Horse, although whether the Year of the Sheep will be an improvement is open to question.
In the unlikely event you want to get in a suitably “sheepish” mood, you might just try The Singing Sheep on YouTube in which a massed choir of sheep assisted by other farm animals perform a memorable version of Baa Baa Black Sheep and the unforgettable Flock Around The Clock. The music happens to be arranged by someone called Jeff Mutton.
It is customary at this stage of the year for columnists and other bores to predict what’s in store for the next 12 months. It seems appropriate to maintain the happiness theme which was kindly bestowed on us last year by the authorities, so we’ll leave the gloom and doom to the experts.
With an air of possibly unfounded optimism, here are some wonderful things we can expect in the coming year. One thing for sure, in Thailand whatever happens, it will all be Simply Amazing.
January: The government announces the establishment of a Ministry of Silly Sounds following complaints about stupid noises viewers are subjected to on Thai television, particularly in the soap operas.
The Ministry will have the onerous task of restricting the number of “boings”, whistles, gurgles and squishing sounds for the sake of viewers’ mental well-being. This follows medical research warning that overexposure to “boings” can seriously damage your health.
February: To coincide with the Chinese New Year, a “Happy Sheep Week” is organised by the authorities. Among the attractions are Thailand’s internationally acclaimed Singing Sheep choir performing the old favourite, Woolly Bully.
There will also be a Miss Lamb Chops beauty pageant and a special performance by the Nakhon Nowhere Tap Dancing Sheep troupe.
March: Hollywood is rocked as a little known Thai production, a remake of Journey to the Centre of the Earth, wins the Oscar for best film. It’s a disturbing tale of a Bangkok pedestrian who nips out for a quiet stroll and disappears after plunging down a bloody great hole.
The film is directed by Noppadom Poppadom who enjoyed earlier success with Rattle of a Samlor Man, a horror film featuring a tourist who experiences a nightmare ride on three wheels.
It features the memorable line “no have change”.
April: In her first letter to the Bangkok Post in a decade, Edith Clampton (Mrs) announces she is suing the BMA for not providing hot water bottles during an unexpected cold spell.
She complains that her maid “Khun Hazel” suffered “near frostbite” when the temperatures briefly dipped below 20C.
May: The authorities announce the issuing of L-plates for “distracted walkers” who persist in crashing into people while they have their noses buried into their smartphones.
Special pedestrian lanes are also being considered for texting walkers.
June: In accordance with the government’s happiness policy, it is announced that all traffic lights in Bangkok will remain permanently green.
“Everybody complains about red lights, so the answer is simply don’t have any,” explained a traffic official. It is hard to argue with logic like that.
July: There is consternation on the Bangkok social media network following the circulation of a photograph of someone actually reading a book while travelling on the BTS.
The book reader is condemned for “anti-social behaviour” and taking up a seat normally occupied by smartphone owners. The authorities promise to crack down on any future transgressions.
August: The government announces an opening for a special Minister For Stopping Samlors Stalling At Intersections. It was noted that this was an “almost impossible job”, but a good challenge for someone who doesn’t have a clue what they are doing.
September: In an unprecedented move, Bangkok motorists agree to stop at pedestrian crossings. This follows a report that the common pedestrian (pedestrus expirus) could soon become extinct.
“I always wondered what those white stripes were doing on the road,” admitted one seasoned motorist. A pedestrian spokesman says he is still not convinced that Bangkok would become a city of ambulatory bliss. He was speaking from a hospital bed after breaking his ankle on a Sukhumvit pavement.
October: Bangkok and surrounding provinces are hit by a massive freak snowstorm.
The Tourism Authority announces special cut-price skiing holidays in Thailand and launches a Miss Snowball beauty contest.
Edith Clampton (Mrs), lashes the BMA for not supplying her with her personal snow plough.
November: A former politician is being questioned on charges of being “unusually unwealthy”.
Police became suspicious after he was spotted travelling on a public bus, riding a bike and “even walking”. He is being held for psychiatric treatment for this abnormal behaviour.
December: Bar owners in Bangkok agree to allow dancing cockroaches and rodents one day off a week to meet Labour Department requirements. The owners deny this action was taken because the pole dancers had complained about being upstaged by these creatures.
Bar goldfish will still be on duty seven days a week and establishments with dancing sheep will require a special licence.
Finally, as we enter the Year of the Sheep, I wish everyone the best of luck. I have a sneaking suspicion that we are all going to need it.
Contact PostScript via email at oldcrutch@hotmail.com.