Returning to Suvarnabhumi airport from the Northeast last Sunday, I decided to try out the new-look taxi system with the impressive-sounding “automatic queue-card kiosks”, rather than my normal practice of sneaking up to the fourth floor and grabbing a taxi from outside the departure lounge.
Not a good idea.
One look at the long lines of New Year travellers and I groaned. There appeared to be only two of the 10 kiosks functioning, resulting in two massive queues of weary-
looking tourists.
However, I decided to persevere and to be fair, the lines moved quicker than anticipated.
After about 15 minutes, I received my magic slip which stated I could pick up my taxi at lane 25.
I walked to the designated spot and sure enough, a taxi pulled up. I hopped in and told the fellow my destination was On Nut. All perfectly smooth.
Well, not quite…
The human factor
At the very mention of On Nut, the driver frowned and promptly demanded 400 baht. Now this didn’t sound like the “new look” experience I had read about. That’s when I mentioned the word Bangkok taxi drivers dread — “meter”. It is the equivalent of waving garlic at a vampire. He looked aghast. How could I possibly suggest such a mean thing?
However, when I threatened to get out, he reluctantly switched on the meter and I was subjected to some ripe grumbling and assorted sighs of despair.
When we reached the destination the total fare, including the regular 50 baht surcharge, amounted to a reasonable 220 baht. Because he had finally stopped moaning, I gave him a decent tip which he didn’t really deserve, wishing the fellow a Happy New Year to try and cheer him up.
It wasn’t exactly service with a smile, but at least he got me home safely. As for the new system, it sort of works.
But there’s just the little matter of the human factor.
Bath time
The official slip that is given out for the airport taxi informs you of the extra “50 Bath (sic)” you will be required to pay, so you can forgive tourists for believing they will be dealing in “baths” during their stay.
It is a reminder of how vulnerable the dear old baht is to being misspelled, particularly in Thailand.
Over the years most readers will have seen advertisements on the lines of “house for rent, 40,000 baths” and “massage, 1,500 baths”. It might explain why Thailand is such a clean nation.
The baht is also one of the most mispronounced currencies, with the British in particular often referring to it as “bat”, as if they are talking about piece of wood you wield in a cricket match.
Which reminds me of a splendid classified ad that appeared in a Bangkok newspaper a few years ago: “Apartment for rent. Two batrooms.”
Nutgate
You may recall that in December there were a spate of incidents featuring airline passengers throwing ridiculous tantrums while aboard flights.
First was the case of the stroppy Korean female airline executive. She forced a plane preparing for take-off in New York to return to the gate and had a flight attendant removed because she had suffered the indignity of been served nuts in a bag instead of on a plate. Inevitably it became known as “Nutgate”.
It is encouraging to report that in addition to resigning all her posts, over the New Year the woman was arrested in Korea and charged with violating aviation safety law. Hopefully at the police station the gendarmes provided her with nuts, on a plate of course.
In hot water
Closer to home, a flight from Bangkok to Nanjing had to turn back after a Chinese woman threw a cup of scalding water over a Thai flight attendant. Following non-stop obnoxious behaviour by the woman and her boyfriend the flight was forced to return to Bangkok where the couple received ridiculously small fines and hopefully were told to never come back.
In other cheerful news, on a Chinese domestic flight, a passenger opened the emergency door just after the plane landed, saying he was “in a hurry to get off”. Not to be outdone, a first-time passenger on another Chinese airline opened the emergency door just before take-off because he “wanted some fresh air”. God help us.
Noodles and maggots
Some people simply shouldn’t fly. Readers may recall the “Case of the Flying Noodles" on a flight from Bangkok to Phuket a few years ago. A female passenger who refused to switch off her mobile phone during take-off, got so mad with the female flight attendant that she flung a cup of hot noodles at the unfortunate lady. One suspects that in the cabin crew’s training programme there is no guideline on how to evade flying noodles at 30,000 feet.
Another attendant who got more than she bargained for was on a flight from Nigeria to London. She was alerted by a shriek from a Welsh female passenger who had maggots dropping on her from the luggage compartment.
The attendant opened up the compartment and immediately wished she hadn’t — she was greeted with the sight of a giant lump of goat meat crawling with maggots and stinking to high heaven. Apparently a Nigerian lady was taking the meat to London for her relatives to feast on. Bon appetit!
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