Last Monday we were greeted by the Bangkok Post front page with the cheerful news “Traffic paralysis beckons for city”, and you didn’t need to be a top urban planner to figure out that the city in question was Bangkok.
Perhaps more worrying is that anyone who read the headline would not be particularly shocked by this news — in fact, even a few yawns might be forthcoming. After all, we’ve been experiencing traffic paralysis in the Big Mango since prehistoric times and another year of it is hardly going to make any difference.
We were treated to a taste of things to come on Wednesday evening with the grand “Discover Thainess” parade for tourists, which not surprisingly made things a little “slow-going” on adjacent roads. But you could argue that the apparent acceptance of traffic gridlock is “Thainess” in itself. And sure enough, in these enlightened times in which “happiness’’ is the watchword, no one complained. Bangkok must be the only city in the world which enjoys “happy traffic jams”.
Swings and roundabouts
A fundamental problem facing traffic planners is that intersections are regarded as an unnecessary nuisance by most Bangkok motorists. When I first arrived in Thailand, at the present major intersections there were instead roundabouts, or traffic “circles” (wongwien). They were tremendous fun and encouraged a certain freedom of expression amongst motorists, not that Thai drivers needed any encouragement in that respect.
Nobody really knew what the rules were at Bangkok’s roundabouts, so it was generally agreed that everyone had the right of way — all very democratic. But this free-for-all policy unfortunately resulted in all sorts of silly prangs, with the more entertaining usually featuring samlors in very strange positions.
Pity the little piggies
There was one particularly memorable wongwien incident which occurred at the Ratchathewi roundabout. A speeding truck carrying a load of pigs took the circle too fast and rolled over, sending dozens of squealing swine splattering across the road. It was quite a sight and also extremely messy. The only satisfactory outcome was that nearby residents were feasting on bacon and pork chops for weeks to come.
Tick-tock
I shudder to think how many hours, weeks or even months I have spent sitting at Bangkok intersections staring glumly at those red lights, willing them to change colour. It would be nice to think that the time had been utilised positively, but I fear most of it has been spent in a semi-comatose state, staring blankly out of the window, looking at other people looking at me looking at them. But the real test is when, after a mind-numbing delay, you finally get the green light and the wretched samlor in front of you stalls, condemning you to another 10 minutes of torture.
Back in 2002 we were informed our problems would be solved with the installation of computerised digital clocks at certain intersections. However, there is something inherently uncomfortable about sitting in a jam and watching your life tick-tock away, second by second, with nothing you can do about it. Watching a clock in such a manner simply isn’t natural and feels a bit like experiencing the countdown for a spaceship launch at Cape Canaveral which never actually takes off.
Playing with colours
Occasionally our hopes are raised. In 2005 there was considerable excitement when we were greeted by the newspaper headline: “Lights to stay on green for longer.” When you first read the article, it sounded perfectly sensible, almost encouraging.
But when you thought about it, you didn’t need to be a mastermind to figure out that “longer green lights” on one road at an intersection was going to mean “longer red lights” on an adjacent road. That was, unless they decided to make the other lights green too, and then God help us.
Going public in Patpong
To lighten things up a bit, here’s a tale of a minor accident which I think we can safely say could only happen in Bangkok. Some years ago an American friend was driving near Patpong when he knocked a young couple off their motorcycle. Much to everyone’s bemusement he didn’t flee the scene, but stopped to help the couple, who were shaken up but not seriously injured.
After a few hours at the Bang Rak cop shop involving considerable haggling, a suitable sum of money was handed over to the couple by the American as compensation. Matter closed ... well, not quite.
A few days later the American received a call saying the girl had damaged her “public bone” in the accident. After a memorable telephone conversation concerning the anatomy of the female body, it was ascertained the young lady had in fact hurt her “pubic bone”. Then came the unexpected complication ...
Show time
It turned out that the couple who were knocked off their motorbike just happened to be the “live show” at one of Patpong’s less salubrious establishments. And with the “public bone” temporarily out of action, the show couldn’t go on. This of course meant a loss of earnings, not only for the performing couple, but also for the bar, which had lost its star turn. Much more money was demanded and more reluctantly handed over.
So for a while there were a couple of jobs going in the Patpong area, although you were unlikely to read about them in the Situations Vacant column.
Contact PostScript via email at oldcrutch@hotmail.com.