In a move to attract Chinese visitors, British tourism authorities have invited more than 300 million Chinese to give names in Mandarin to the UK’s most famous attractions. The most popular names will be used in promotional literature.
Early results suggest a refreshing new interpretation of familiar attractions. There is an almost poetic feel to some of the offerings. The Loch Lomond area in Scotland is known in Mandarin as “Mountain Lakes That Get You Drunk On Dreams”. A popular name for London's distinctive Shard building is the whimsical “A Tower Allowing Us To Pluck The Stars From The Sky”.
Some of the Chinese descriptions are uncomfortably honest. The upmarket Knightsbridge area in London is called “A Place Filled With Things To Attract Yuppies and Fashionable Ladies”. Similarly, Savile Row, home of tailoring for toffs, is known as the “Custom-Made Rich People Street”.
Those of us who remember the “Swinging Sixties” in London are made to feel even more ancient with the Mandarin description of Carnaby Street as “Remembering The Old Days Street”.
The Chinese haggis
Scotland is heavily featured, and most Caledonians will appreciate the Chinese name for the Royal Mile in Edinburgh, “A Beautiful Street With Long History And Profound Culture”.
Among the more exotic offerings for Balmoral Castle was “Castle Of Love From Outer Space”, not exactly the image that normally springs to mind for Queen Elizabeth’s private residence.
Prompting a few smiles is the Chinese view of the Highland Games, which they call the “Strong Man Skirt Party”, while the dear old haggis is named “Baa-Baa Pudding”.
Puzzle Town
The Welsh village with Britain’s longest name, Llanfairpwllgwyngyll… (it goes on quite a bit after that), attracted particular attention from the Chinese. Some proposed “Word-Puzzle Town”, while others went for “The Endless”.
They finally settled on “Healthy-Lung Village”, presumably because you have to take a deep breath before you say it.
However, my favourite, which just missed out as the popular choice, was “A Village That Is Hard To Remember And Hard To Forget”, which is almost as long as the original name.
Another place which has been given a unique Chinese description are Brighton Pavilion, known as “George and John’s Palace” (acknowledging architect John Nash).
Also on the South Coast, the Chinese view the Needles at the Isle of Wight as “Poseidon’s Trident”, which sounds more like a Hollywood movie.
Robin Hood fans will be pleased to learn that Sherwood Forest is known in Mandarin as “Forest of Chivalrous Thieves”.
Year of the Hooves
Making the Chinese New Year a little more intriguing this time around is the fact that no one seems entirely sure which animal it is they are celebrating.
The Chinese character yang apparently covers sheep, goat, ram or even antelope. The BBC have opted for Year of the Sheep, while CNN are a little more circumspect, calling it “year of the sheep, or goat, or ram”.
China should know best, of course, and seems to have plumped for the goat, partly because the sheep is regarded as rather weak and docile, which isn’t very auspicious. Goats are also far more common in China than sheep.
In Thailand, the goat appears to have won by a nose. However, sheep are definitely more cuddly than goats, which may win a few Thai hearts. It doesn’t really matter that much, so you can take your pick.
Slip of the tongue
The BBC in particular will be glad to see the back of the Year of the Horse. You may recall in last year’s live coverage of the event, with millions watching, the corporation’s subtitles briefly came up with: “Welcome to the year of the whores.”
Apparently the error was caused by a system using voice recognition software, in which a computer translates what it hears phonetically into subtitles.
Billy Goats and trolls
All this talk about goats reminds me of when I was a nipper listening to Children’s Favourites on BBC Radio every Saturday morning in the early 1950s. One of the most requested songs, or rather a narrative, was Three Billy Goats Gruff, a creepy tale of goats trying to cross a bridge guarded by a fearsome troll with one eye. The troll, which lived under the bridge, would sing in a menacing tone “I’m a troll, fol-de-rol, and I’ll eat you up for supper”, and I found it quite scary.
Not far from my home there was a humpback bridge and I always sprinted across it to ensure I avoided any hungry trolls looking for a spot of dinner.
The laughing policeman
Heard regularly on that same radio programme was my favourite childhood song, The Laughing Policeman, recorded in 1921 by Charles Penrose under his stage name, Charles Jolly. It was an extraordinary number, which included a chorus of Penrose simply laughing his head off. The song concerns “a fat old policeman, a jolly red-faced man”.
Here’s a sample:
He laughs upon point duty
He laughs upon his beat
He laughs at everybody
While he’s walking down the street
Chorus: “Hahahahahaha…” etc.
One wonders if Bangkok’s constabulary might adopt The Laughing Policeman as their official theme song — it might cheer them up a bit. It also raises the possibility of being arrested by a laughing Sgt Nop while walking down Sukhumvit Road, which certainly fits in with the government’s Happiness campaign.
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