It appears one of Thailand’s finest annual traditions, the “transferred to an inactive post” season, is in full swing. Hardly a day goes by without someone being shunted out of harm’s way.
Leading the way as usual, God bless ’em, are the Thai constabulary.
Dozens of cops have been moved to such positions last week alone. One wonders what they do all day — they can hardly arrest one another, although that’s not such a bad idea. One suspects the Ministry of Inactive Posts must be suffering serious overcrowding, absolutely awash with all these gentlemen diligently doing nothing.
Perhaps the answer is to create new ministries and transfer some of the inactive persons to less demanding “almost inactive” posts. One would think inactive officials would fit in nicely at the Ministry of Sweeping Things Under the Carpet. Their skills would also probably go down well at the Ministry of Never Mind the Reality What About the Image.
The inactive post phenomenon is getting so popular one wonders whether, just like the recent Anti-Corruption Day, there might be a national holiday to celebrate Inactive Post Day. This would enable the entire country to enjoy a day of inactivity and pay tribute to those officials who have spent their working lives doing absolutely nothing. The old Bing Crosby ditty Busy Doing Nothing would make a good theme song, perhaps accompanied by the motto: “Trying to find lots of things not to do.”
Sleeping on the job
Newcomers to Thailand might wonder what skills are required to hold an inactive post. To qualify you must have the ability to doze off at a moment’s notice, possess a good command of yawning and be proficient in snoring loudly.
In addition, it is important to have the appearance of looking generally disinterested and be in a constant state of lethargy.
Those who show particular promise may even be promoted to an “extremely inactive post”.
There can be certain health hazards, however, and there have been cases of chronic Nodder’s Nose, Snorer’s Nostril and Yawner’s Yips.
There are also serious repercussions if an inactive official is spotted being surreptitiously active.
On one occasion there was a big fuss when one such official was caught doing the Bangkok Post crossword — he was quickly taken away for “attitude adjustment”.
Take your pick
There have been suggestions that the inactive post be renamed, because it frankly sounds rather silly to Western ears.
But what do you replace it with, Dormant Post? That sounds even sillier.
Or perhaps, Sluggish Post? Slothful Post? Somnolent Post? I quite like Mothball Post, then we could have a Ministry of Mothballs.
Exporting inactivity
One wonders if it would be possible to export the inactive post phenomenon for which Thailand is renowned worldwide.
For a start, it helps keep the unemployment figures down. Half the nation, rather than being unemployed, hold inactive posts. It’s one of Thailand’s growth industries — simple, but effective.
John Maynard Keynes would have been impressed. I also know a number of people in England and Australia who would jump at the opportunity of holding an inactive post.
I would do it myself if I wasn’t already in an inactive post, otherwise known as retirement.
All it needs is the right sort of promotion. For a start, there should be a Miss Inactive Post beauty contest with special prizes for Miss Yawner, Miss Snorer and Miss Loafing Around All Day Looking At Herself In A Mirror.
The only problem would be to ensure the judges stay awake.
Sack the lot
There was a famous case in 1991 when an entire government committee was transferred to inactive posts — dozens of them. After a year of intense grilling, an influential person in the Budget Bureau suspected of “inappropriate behaviour” (ie, ripping off vast sums of money), the grillers claimed they could not find anything inappropriate in his actions.
The powers-that-be were not impressed by this verdict and promptly dispatched the whole committee to one giant inactive post.
Incidentally, the official being probed did not get off scot-free, but was also transferred to an inactive post … for the second time in less than 10 years.
Clearly he was making a career of it and by now must be a leading light at the Ministry of Inactive Posts.
Buffalo blues
Back in 2008 the kingdom’s top cop was transferred to an inactive post following his failure to remove the yellow shirts from their Suvarnabhumi sit-in.
He was also accused of calling one of his subordinates a khwai (buffalo). Because of its slow metabolism, the poor old buffalo ranks high in the vocabulary of Thai insults, although calling someone a monitor lizard can also provoke a reaction. (I wouldn’t recommend it.)
If it is any consolation to those subordinates who were insulted, Crutch has been called a khwai on several occasions … and a number of other things too.
Frankly speaking
One of the most celebrated transfers to an inactive post came many years ago when a senior official at the Public Warehouse Organisation was moved after an alleged “lack of productivity”.
Asked why he had apparently done nothing at all during his lengthy tenure, he explained that it was very simple — no one had asked him to do anything.
Well, you can’t get a more honest answer than that.
Contact PostScript via email at oldcrutch@hotmail.com.