Citizens of Bangkok,
I come to you today with a dire warning. Our city is plummeting into a crisis of epic proportions, as a new and very real enemy is intent on wreaking havoc on our otherwise peaceful lives.
This adversary is running among us, taking on the guise of a normal Thai person. But don't be fooled by the cutesy exterior. Underneath the scary-looking big-eye contacts and K-pop-inspired hair, lies a heart of pure evil.
Armed with photo-taking contraptions, they are ready to strike at a moment's notice. It happens without warning. One minute they are just going about their business innocently, then all of a sudden, the voices in their head orders them to assemble and start snapping pictures of everything around them.
Chaos descends, as they gather their like-minded friends to stop and pose anywhere they feel like it. The destruction can happen at a restaurant, at a mall, at the office... all that's certain is that it could happen anywhere near you, and soon it will be too late to run or hide.
With each click of the camera, these vicious foe-tographers gain more strength. One picture is never enough. They must continue documenting themselves at every angle, at every location, and with every kind of lighting.
Are they using these shots to add to their professional portfolios? Are they famous celebrities who want to sell their pictures for tons of money to the paparazzi? Are they taking lots of up-close photos to carefully assess where they might need to get plastic surgery?
No. No. And no.
Their only mission? To bring on the photo-op-ocalypse.
No longer are they just looking to find the best Facebook picture. This snap-happy behaviour has mutated so they can flood social networking sites with millions of pictures of their outings, for some sort of weird virtual reinforcement.
All sense of social decency also eludes them while they are being controlled by camera overlords, as they start viewing any public place as their own personal photography studio. They will freely encroach on the space, and move things around/block walkways/ruin your life while trying to get the picture they desire.
The Office of Dealing with Idiotic Photogs under the Department of Social Annoyances warns that if we do not act fast, then our daily lives will be forever interrupted by these picture-obsessed faux-tographers.
We will never be able to enjoy a nice meal again, for they will swarm the restaurant and take pictures of every second of their dining experience.
We will never be able to walk around freely at a department store again, for they will stop at the most inconvenient spots just to make sure they can get their dumb picture.
We will never be able to secretly sleep at our desks again, for we could risk accidentally being snapped in the background of one of our colleague's photo-taking frenzies.
The only thing to do is to come together as a nation under Buddha to put a stop to this disaster.
We must remember the time in the not-so-distant past when going to a restaurant meant we sat and stared at our smartphones instead of documenting the whole night via pictures.
We must go back to the days when we blindly walked around department stores to fulfil our own material desires without feeling the need to take photos of ourselves posing with everything.
We must remember that coming to work means that we sit around and check Facebook/Twitter/YouTube all day, not that we need to snap shots of what we're doing.
We must find the spirit of humanity that unites us all if we are to survive and defeat this photo-taking obsession.
But just in case they come for you, be sure to have your best duck-face pose ready at all times...
About the author
- Writer: Sumati Sivasiamphai
Position: Guru Editor