`Twas the last night on Earth, and all through the land, All the creatures were stirring, anticipating the calamity at hand. You see, back in the day there were these people called the Maya, Who made a prophecy that some are treating like the word of messiah.
The Maya devised calendar cycles through planets and stars they looked at,
Because in ancient civilizations they didn't have an iPhone app for that.
One such calendar was the Long Count with a cycle of 5,125 years,
And it's this silly little thing that's causing so many irrational fears.
The Long Count calendar concludes its cycle on December twenty-first,
Upon which all hell will be unleashed and we'll be forever cursed.
Yes, whether with disaster, aliens, or zombies it's gonna be doomsday,
And if you haven't already figured out, the Mayan end is happening today!
No one is quite sure how the annihilation may come or even at what time,
But if it already happened, damn, what a waste of this most excellent rhyme.
Panickers somehow interpreted the calendar to mean doom for the human race,
But has anyone considered that maybe the Maya people just ran out of space?
Anyway I may be totally wrong and our extermination might be in sight,
So I could type nonsense like "hfskjlklseiog" if this is the last thing I write.
Cooler people are using the end of days to celebrate with all their hearts,
Cuz you're not a true Bangkokian until you risk a disease in your private parts.
There are so many fun things to do before our time on this planet is done,
You could finally admit to your children who really is your favourite one.
Why not waltz into every club in town and down all the bottles behind the bar,
Because after the 22nd, no more hangovers like you got hit by a car.
"Wanna go home with me before the apocalypse?" will be the line of the night,
At least no one will have to worry about a walk of shame when it's early and bright.
Maybe a few lucky men will get girls to do kinky things otherwise considered smut,
Oh lord, I hope this doesn't lead to an epidemic of getting it in the butt!
Other Bangkokians are probably also doing what they love,
Like getting on the BTS one last time so they can push and shove.
Tweens must be posing and taking pictures using their fancy camera lens,
Just so their "End of the World" album can get more "likes" than their friends.
But what if nothing happens and by tomorrow we're all still here,
Will we learn anything or continue with our mai pen rai cheer?
There will probably be a "Yay, the World Didn't End" blow-out,
And we'll go on ignoring all the things we don't like to think about.
Buddha have mercy, I hope this doesn't mean another 5,125-year age,
Of petty political squabbling and prime ministers who can't read from a page.
The thought of eons of traffic is more daunting than weapons in Tehran,
I hope those causing congestion get trapped in a vehicle with no air-con.
By December 23 everything will most likely be normal and great,
And we can get back to greeting people by asking if they ate.
The shopping malls will be packed with brainless consumers looking chic,
On a side note, do you people work? How are you there every day of the week!
If you've been making merit and building arks in case it's our time to go,
Don't you worry, we'll be fine, nothing will happen, even Nasa said so.
(But keep the ark handy because you never know when you might need it,
Thailand does tend to flood more than a foreigner hates renewing a work permit.)
I guess the only lesson we can take from all this prolonged Mayan hype,
Is probably to think of it as a new beginning where the future is ripe.
But who am I kidding, we know we're just really happy about this because
The Maya gave us one more excuse to party before the day of Santa Claus!
About the author
- Writer: Sumati Sivasiamphai
Position: Guru Editor