Social media can make or break a relationship. It has made it easier for people to stay connected. Old acquaintances are reunited, new friendships are formed and friends know more about one another. On the flip side, certain social media behaviours can cast a dark shadow on a relationship.
To mark St Valentine's Day next week, relationship expert Dr Pansak Sugkraroek tackles six common problems couples face with regard to social media.
My boyfriend is constantly on his mobile phone
Mobile phones, especially smartphones, can cause addiction because they makes us feel like we are in control.
"We are in charge of what we want to see, whom we want to talk to, what we want others to see and so on. This can be an addictive experience, and it's a part of human nature. Men feel more strongly about being in control than women, so it's not unusual for men to be obsessed with their phones," Dr Pansak said.
More to the point, men and gadgets are like fish and water. Dr Pansak said that women should not overanalyse the situation by accusing their boyfriend of chatting with another woman.
"You have to understand a man and respect who he is. If you feel that he is really spending too much time on the phone, find something interesting to do together."
We are in a relationship, but he is not making it Facebook official
Most of the time, a man's profile picture is a photo of himself alone, while women like to post a picture of themselves with a significant other. The reason is simple men don't want to feel "owned".
"It's not that he is not committed to the relationship. Maybe he just feels that it makes no sense to announce it to the world. Some people are independent and private like that. Boyfriends are not noodles you can't adjust their flavour as you please."
Dr Pansak also suggests that there might be something wrong with the relationship if you feel insecure based on a Facebook relationship status alone.
"It is normal for people to want some freedom and private space, even when they are in a relationship. Don't impose your own standards on your loved one. A relationship is not about ticking every right box, because there is no list. Every couple is different."
He won't add me on Facebook
Dr Pansak said one of the biggest misconceptions people have about a good relationship is that they have to know everything about each other.
"Love is about trust, and you have to trust him enough to let him make decisions. If you can't trust him, don't waste time in this relationship, because love cannot live where there is no trust. You will constantly be paranoid about every little thing he does or does not do."
He also commented that we are now living in a bad news society, where people only talk about negative things and hardly ever look on the bright side.
"This makes us all paranoid. We have heard so many bad things about relationships mainly because when people are unhappy, they talk about it, but they keep it to themselves when they are happy. Consequently, we are fed negative stories about infidelity and betrayal, and we are led to believe that our relationship will end the same way. Moreover, Facebook has created this oversharing behaviour, where people tell everyone everything, even silly things like what food they are ordering," he said.
"If you're already insecure about not being on his friend list, think how paranoid you will be if you are on the list and see all the activities, where he goes, what he does, whom he's with. Facebook isn't the real world. Getting offline and spending real time together is better than nagging him to accept your friend request."
Some girl is always "liking" and commenting on his posts
Ignore it, advised Dr Pansak.
"A smart man won't be attracted to clingy women. If he likes that kind of girl, he is not smart, and why would you waste your time with someone like that?"
Dr Pansak also said that boyfriend-stealing is a habit for some women who are hungry for attention, but a relationship that comes from stealing someone else's man is not going to go anywhere.
"A woman who stole someone else's boyfriend will have to worry whether someone will steal him away from her, and she will be paranoid. I don't think men like paranoid girlfriends."
His tip is to look at the relationship as a whole, instead of focusing on little things.
"As long as you are confident that you are in a healthy and trusting relationship, you will be fine. Being overly cautious is not going to do you any good."
He is always posting sickeningly sweet things on my Wall, and I am embarrassed
"He only does that because he is feeling insecure about the relationship. You should try to reassure him that you love him and make him feel important," said Dr Pansak. "People only act clingy when they are afraid of losing something. A kindergarten student cries most when the mother is leaving. If your boyfriend is assured that you are not leaving him and that he still matters to you, he won't be tempted to prove your relationship by posting those things."
What you should not do is reprimand him or say you are embarrassed. It only makes him feel less important because you're putting your feelings before his.
"Sometimes even if you are right, there is no need to say it. Relationships are not about winning. What's the point of winning an argument if you hurt your loved one's feelings? The key is to make sure both of you feel happy in the relationship."
He constantly checks my Facebook account and reads my messages
People act to get a reaction. The best way to handle this situation is to do nothing.
"If you are upset and nag him about it, you are fuelling his interest. The more you look like you're hiding something, the more desperately he will try to dig. If you treat it like an insignificant matter, he will lose interest and stop doing it."
Dr Pansak added that there must be something that makes him feel insecure to the point that he has to sneak around and spy on you. Try to find out what it is that is making him feel uneasy and reassure him that there is nothing to worry about.
Dr Pansak's top 10 love tips
1. Before getting into a relationship, open your eyes as wide as possible to see all his good and bad sides. After getting into a relationship, close one eye and let little things slide. Unfortunately, most people do the opposite ignoring flaws before going into a relationship and looking at them through a magnifying glass after.
2. Do not try to win an argument for the sake of winning. Imaging you are driving on a road in the correct lane, and a truck is speeding toward you in your lane. You know you are not wrong, but to save yourself, you will steer away anyway. The same goes for a relationship. Even if you are right, avoid confrontation when emotions are wild.
3. Yelling at your significant other will not do you any good, because the person naturally will only yell back or shut down entirely.
4. Do not dig up old issues to support your argument. Let bygones be bygones.
5. Respect his answer. Don't be the woman who calls her boyfriend to ask what he's doing, and asks him to take a picture to prove it.
6. Don't fight a battle you can't win. It's a waste of energy. Sometimes it is better to compromise.
7. Show your love whenever you can through words, actions, gifts and surprises. Be sincere when you express your feelings.
8. It is better to use open-ended questions. For example, if you don't want him to smoke and you catch him smoking, instead of saying, "Are you smoking again? How many times have I told you to stop?". Instead, try "What are you doing?" and let him explain.
9. What's yours will be yours. What's not meant to be yours will go away. You can't force something to happen if it's not meant to happen.
10. Forgive. That's all there is to it.
