All you need is love ... and a sense of the absurd

All you need is love ... and a sense of the absurd

In Amazing Thailand the silly season is never far away and it tends to get particularly silly at this time of the year, courtesy of Valentine's Day. We've had the usual underwater weddings in Trang, tying the knot aboard elephants in Chiang Mai and, no doubt, couples getting married while dangling upside down on a bungee jump.

Further afield, people  have been exchanging vows while jumping out of aeroplanes,   hanging on the edge of cliffs or swimming  with sharks.  Some in the US made their vows in a former insane asylum, which sounds a bit creepy, while  others  tied the knot in  haunted houses, something one suspects  will not catch on in Thailand.  Taking pride of place, however, must be the Connecticut couple who were married atop a rubbish dump. It was where they first met. Now that really is romantic. This is all a far cry from My Fair Lady's prospective groom Stanley Holloway singing Get Me to the Church on Time after a night on the town.  Perhaps people don't do that  any more.

Hugs and kisses

In Pattaya last week we were treated to a marathon hugging competition which featured more than 30 couples attempting to break the world record of more than 25 hours. Judging from the looks on the contestants' faces, their biggest challenge was boredom. Not even a smartphone for company ... it must have been torture.

You may recall that   three years ago  the resort hosted  a marathon kissing contest, in which a Thai couple heroically stuck at it for more than 46 hours to break the world record.

This seemed a rather odd contest to be held in a kingdom which officially frowns on kissing in public, but  considering nothing appears to be frowned upon in Pattaya, it was probably the right place for it.

Not all the kissing contestants lasted the pace, however.

One lady fainted after just half an hour of snogging, which was probably the best thing that could have happened to her. Some of the other couples looked decidedly groggy after they had reached the 24-hour mark _ you also tend to start dribbling after a couple of hours. Television cameras even followed them into the restrooms to make sure their lips remained together while they took a leak ...  which doesn't conjure up the most romantic of images.

The thought was there ...

I came across a website on which ladies were invited to relate the worst Valentine's gift they had ever received _ and some presents were pretty worrying.

There were numerous tales of bashful boyfriends clutching some limp-looking flowers,  presumably  pinched from the local cemetery or the neighbour's garden. Then there were  guys who come up with a ``practical'' present which is totally devoid of any romance.

One lady was understandably lost for words when she was presented with a gift-wrapped rubbish bin on wheels.

There were similar reactions from those given a tree pruner and  onion mincer.  One gentleman's idea of a romantic present was a collection of second-hand pots and pans picked up at a garage sale.

... or maybe, it wasn't

Some gifts border on the downright insulting.

How is a lady to react upon receiving underwear much smaller than her size with a free pass to a fitness centre and a romantic note ``hope you can eventually fit into these''?

While we are in the realms of bad taste, one can sympathise with the woman  who received a heart-shaped cushion, which if you sat on made sounds like you were suffering from a severe case of flatulence.

One lady received a bowling ball, which was bit of a puzzle as neither she nor her husband had ever gone bowling.

But what is arguably the worst present of all was for a gentleman who had been married for some years.

His darling wife presented him with a lovely heart-shaped red box with ribbons and the whole works.

He opened it up and inside he was greeted  with ... divorce papers.

Not taking the bait

A special mention  goes to the following gentleman who in attempting to make things right,  only made it   worse.  He was a  keen fisherman, but could not get his wife interested, partly because she had a phobia about  the wiggling maggots  and other live bait. So in a brave bid to change her attitude, on Valentine's Day he thoughtfully  presented her with a tastefully wrapped box containing artificial bait, including some cute  rubber worms and other wiggly things. Upon opening the box  his wife burst out crying ... and  they were not  tears of joy.

The bitter truth

So what is this thing called love?

Actor John Barrymore, possibly speaking  from bitter experience, observed: ``Love is that delightful interval between meeting a girl and  discovering she looks like a haddock.'' In a similar vein, French actor  Maurice Chevalier noted: ``Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.''

Perhaps more accurate, but not particularly encouraging was columnist HL Mencken's view that: ``Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.''

But it was author Somerset Maugham who  summed it up most accurately with: ``Love is what happens to a man and woman who don't know each other'' ... which is where the divorce papers come in.


Contact PostScript via email at oldcrutch@hotmail.com.

Roger Crutchley

Bangkok Post columnist

A long time popular Bangkok Post columnist. In 1994 he won the Ayumongkol Literary Award. For many years he was Sports Editor at the Bangkok Post.

Email : oldcrutch@gmail.com

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