Declaring dependence

Declaring dependence

Picturing Thailand in a twilight zone without American and European products

SOCIAL & LIFESTYLE
Declaring dependence

In light of last Friday’s American Independence Day celebrations, I am closing my eyes right now and imagining a Thailand devoid of all things American.

This is not as vacuous an act as you may think, dear reader.

For the past month the Thai media has been full of news stories and opinion pieces from Thais demanding an American boycott.

It’s for a couple of reasons, but mainly because the US government came out against our military coup of May 22.

Democratic countries aren’t too keen on military strongmen wresting control; it makes us think of Idi Amin and Augusto Pinochet. While “things are done differently in Thailand” may be cute, and even perhaps accurate, it holds no water against the bleak and sinister definitions of words like “coup d’etat” and “military junta” in English — despite having borrowed both words from other languages.

That was bad enough, but since then the US has downgraded Thailand owing to our human trafficking record. America claims we are now a world-standard “source, destination and transit country” for forced labour and sex trafficking.

In short, we’ve been bad in the eyes of the US, which values human rights above absolutely everything else, except the right to shoot up kindergarten kids and uni students by the dozen with home-stored weapons of war. Oh, but we have strayed off track.

How quickly the Thais turned.

That poor Kristie Kenny, the friendly US Ambassador whom Thais have endeared themselves to in the past three years, became persona non grata overnight as calls came for a boycott of all things American.

Not just the US, either. The EU doesn’t want to work with Thailand while there is no democratic government. Australia has come out against the military regime as well.

One very vocal pro-European-boycott Thai is a member of the Olympic Committee here, which makes me wonder if he has ever noticed the proliferation of European countries in that particular sporting event.

He has already fallen from grace after it was revealed his own daughter heads Chanel, while his son is posting pictures of himself doing cartwheels in front of the Eiffel Tower on his Twitter account. Boycott, along with its maiden aunt Charity, really should begin at home.

Despite this, the call to boycott is still strong in the media.

Like I said, I paused from my frenetic life for just one moment, closed my eyes, and imagined my beloved Thailand devoid of all things American, European and Australian.

The first things to fade out of the hands of 20 million Thais are those iPhones, iPads and iEverything ElseThatOccupiesTwoThirdsOfMyWakingMoments’Attention.

Imagine the look of bewilderment as 20 million men, women and children slowly look up from their bare hands to the faces of those around them. Imagine the terror as entire families are forced to converse over dinner, as Cookie Run Anonymous self-help groups start popping up all over the country.

Yes I know, Samsung would step in and fill the gap but let’s be realistic here; when was the last time you saw a Thai remotely concerned about style and glamour waving his or her Samsung about?

Next to go are the Louis Vuitton handbags, Prada sunglasses and Jimmy Choo high-heels of the Thai upper class and yes, Jimmy is a European brand. Emporium and Paragon will need to undergo a massive redesign to the detriment of variety and fashion but to the everlasting gratitude of Fly Now and GrandSport.

All knock-offs will have to go as well, since they are still foreign in design. Ray-Bans, Levi’s 501s, Durex … they’re all driven out.

Oh and speaking of driving, farewell Mercedes-Benz and BMW, and no more showing off with bottles of Chivas Regal and Johnny Walker — it’s strictly Mekhong and Leo from now on.

Bye bye, Katy Perry and One Direction. We’d have to replace them with South Korean boy and girl bands featuring pubescent dancing mannequins in multiples of 12. It’s true; their bands have 12, 24 or even 48 members so that nobody notices when one of them leaves or dies of rabies.

Is that as far as we go? Do we ban foreign-made aeroplanes as well? Care for a slow boat to Phuket … via Singapore instead?

It has just occurred to me that every single product deemed valuable and/or trendy in this country comes from America and Europe. In one fell swoop we have gutted all that is meaningful to the Thai population.

(I modestly add Australia to the mix, though the only desirable product from my home country is our red wine, which will have to be replaced with local Thai wines. Anybody who has ever sampled those knows they should only be served to Bang Khwang criminals awaiting execution for methamphetamine trafficking.)

Would Thailand survive with a European and American boycott? Of course it wouldn’t. Major Cineplex would go bust, though for a brief moment prior to that it would be a boon for local comedians who like to dress up as women.

Enough of the silliness.

A boycott is never going to happen here, not just because it is ridiculous, but also because it is impossible. You thought the lack of Cambodian migrant workers was hurting the Thai economy? Try taking foreign products out of the mix.

I do have an alternative suggestion.

I have a really good way we could end this international condemnation, and while it is a radical proposition, I honestly believe it would work.

Don’t ban foreign products. Thais should boycott Thai products.

All face saving aside, what got us into this mess? The Americans? Eurotrash? The Aussies? Noooooo. We did it ourselves, didn’t we?

We turned a blind eye to human trafficking. We allowed corruption to exist to the point where it got out of hand.

We didn’t need any help from idealistic farang to polarise our community. Reds on one side, yellows on the other. We blew whistles at one another.

We crippled the inner city all on our own. We let off bombs that killed fellow Thais, even four-year-olds, and shot sniper bullets randomly into protesting crowds killing more children. The Americans didn’t do that to us.

So maybe … just maybe … we need to be boycotting our own products until those in power and the business world can instil proper ethics and morality for us to remain on the world stage.

But my few minutes is up.

It is time to open my eyes and return to reality. Return the iPhones and Levi’s jeans and Hollywood blockbusters to the Thai people. Here, have Katy Perry and One Direction and Jimmy Choo back.

Now let’s get on with the job in hand. Let’s fix up the taxis, vans, lottery ticket prices and super-highways.

Let’s focus on a better education curriculum and a system of clear checks and balances. Let’s attempt to dismantle the skeleton underneath society that is corruption, in order to make this country the best on Earth, as it can surely be, without the scourge of human trafficking besmirching our name.

I know. Not as easy to do as banning Jimmy Choo stilettos. But at least it doesn’t upset the Americans on their special celebratory day. n

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