While PostScript has over the years taken occasional liberties with “Tinglish” on signs, menus and the like, a sobering fact is that we native speakers of English have never mastered our own language. So we are hardly in a position to poke fun at others. As is quite evident each week, Crutch is still grappling with the basics and there are millions of British people doing the same every day.
Which brings us to “things that could have been better expressed” which have long been evident in the UK. Shop signs in particular have been fertile ground for mangling the mother tongue. One of the classics was a sign in an electrical shop in Birmingham that read: “Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work.” Perhaps a less drastic, but equally effective option for gentlemen with ill-intent was provided by a London shop that proudly claimed: “We exchange everything — bicycles, washing machines, etc … bring your wife and get the deal of your life.”
Then there are notices that seem to make sense until you think about them a bit. For some reason this takes us away from the UK to Ireland.
At a Dublin barber shop a large sign offered: “Hairdressing while you wait.”
Trouble in store
The pitfalls of not getting it quite right are evident in the following sign in a London supermarket window: “Why go anywhere and be cheated when you can come here?” In a similar vein is this curious offer from a Birmingham dry-cleaners: “We do not tear your clothes with machinery, we do it by hand.”
Another sign that could perhaps have had a little more thought put into it was a notice in a Sunderland pharmacy: “We dispense with accuracy.”
Perhaps the most baffling was the London department store that informed customers: “Bargain Basement Upstairs”.
An offer you can refuse
Newspaper advertisements are another area for eyebrow-raising offers. There was a celebrated ad in the Liverpool Echo that read: “Two business ladies require sleeping partner for business salon.”
No doubt the people who put in the following ad in the Essex Chronicle had the best of intentions, but it doesn't quite come out that way: “Afghan hound for sale. Will eat anything and is particularly fond of children.”
It’s amazing how versatile some people can be. Take this young woman who advertised in New Zealand Outdoor: “Bicycle available for quick sale, looked after by young lady with collapsible frame.”
Situations vacant
Sometimes a job offer can prompt some head-scratching as in this ad that appeared in the The Yorkshire Post: “Secretary required. Shorthand essential but not absolutely necessary.”
The fellow who advertised in Farmers Weekly might have been advised to ask for a second opinion before inserting: “Unemployed man seeks work. Completely honest and trustworthy. Will take anything.”
An unfortunate choice of words made the following announcement in a Sussex newspaper a little more entertaining than intended: “The evening of clairvoyance on November 26 has been cancelled owing to unforeseen circumstances.”
Room with a view
When trying to induce people to take up accommodation, some offers often become more tempting with assistance from the magnificent world of misprints.
Some years ago a Bangkok estate agent offered an apartment with “2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, 1 loving room”, adding, “we look forward to serving you as our pleasure”. Sounds quite tempting.
Maybe less appealing was the Bangkok residence with “2 batrooms”.
Dalton’s Weekly carried an ad for residences that sounded almost as appealing as the aforementioned “loving room”. It read: “Almost new, sexi-detached houses.” Less inviting was the following in the Matlock Mercury: “Accommodation includes large bay window overlooking separate WC.”
Talking of the smallest room in the house, the Worthing Herald must have experienced a problem finding buyers for: “Delightful country cottage, large lounge, toilet five miles.”
The Coventry Evening Telegraph came up with some doubtful accommodation that one might well find in Bangkok: “To let: furnished flat, electricity, rats included.”
Radio days
It’s not just the written word. Over the years, BBC radio newscasters have on occasion come up with an unfortunate choice of words. I particularly like: “A series of strikes at the Royal Liverpool Hospital has caused a lot of ill feeling.” Then there was: “More about the delay on British Rail. We have our reporter on the line.”
Dear Mr Milkman
One of the great traditions in England has been for housewives, and sometimes their husbands, to leave notes on the doorstep for the milkman. A lot of these notes are written in a hurry and can lead to confusion. Some years ago, British milk authorities published a booklet of some of the genuine notes received by milkmen:
• Money on table, wife in bed — please help yourself.
• Leave one extra pint. If this note blows away, please knock.
• Please close the gate behind you as the birds keep pecking the tops of the milk.
• No milk today. When I say today I mean tomorrow for I wrote this note yesterday.
• Please knock. My TV has broken and I missed last night’s Coronation Street. If you saw it, tell me what happened.
• No milk today. We are away for the weekend which is why I am hiding this note under the doormat so nobody finds out.
Contact PostScript via email at oldcrutch@hotmail.com.