Many thanks to readers who submitted suggestions of real place-names to add to our "trinity of tedium" Dull, Bland and Boring, which became a quartet last week with the addition of Idle. Some of the offerings were very entertaining, but didn't quite fit into the theme of sheer dreariness.
My suggestion of Dismal turned out to be exactly that, "dismal". Although there is a Dismal River in Nebraska and a Dismal Swamp, there does not appear to be a settlement by that name. Mind you, I've been to a couple of towns in England where "dismal" would be quite appropriate.
One reader suggested Hell, which can be found in Michigan, Texas and Norway, but that sounds a bit too lively to be paired with Dull and Boring. I was hoping there might be somewhere called Dreary or Listless, but alas that doesn't seem to be the case. So it looks like we will have to settle for the Illinois town of Normal. What could be more dull and boring than normal?
Ain't that Peculiar
One suggestion was the town of Peculiar in Missouri, which has been mentioned in this column before. Apparently, when the town was founded in the mid-19th century, the settlers couldn't agree on a name, so in a letter to the postmaster-general they wrote: "We don't care what name you give us as long as it is sort of peculiar." The official responded that if they wanted a peculiar name, why not simply call it Peculiar. And so it stood. The town's motto is, appropriately enough, "where the 'odds' are with you".
Which brings us to a town called Odd, in West Virginia. Once again, settlers were struggling for a name and during one discussion someone came out with "that's odd" and the town name was born. It has a close relative in Oddville, a village in Kentucky.
Perhaps Peculiar and Odd should get together with a township called Strange in Ontario and set up their own trinity of abnormality.
Les Miserables
Certain places submitted by readers sounded quite grim, and I'm not just talking about the English fishing port of Grimsby (more of which later). An Australian reader suggested Innaloo, a suburb of Perth, but by all accounts it's not so bad. And the same could be said for Misery in northern France. One place that does not sound too enticing is the small community of Poverty in Kentucky.
Then we have a hamlet in Hertfordshire named Nasty, which sounds more like a punk rock group.
Inevitably some suggestions were a bit on the rude side, suffice to say people actually live in places called Dildo (Newfoundland), French Lick (Indiana) and Humptulips (Washington).
Ode to a fishing port
The aforementioned Grimsby, founded by a Danish fisherman called Grim, has had to put up with a lot of jokes, primarily because of its name.
A few years ago singer Chesney Hawkes was performing in a pantomime at Grimsby and came under fire when he posted on the internet the panto phrase "Oh no it isn't" under a tourist poster proclaiming "Grimsby — worthy a second look". He was quick to apologise.
There is even a song entitled Grimsby by Elton John. Elton's longtime lyricist Bernie Taupin was brought up near Grimsby and when he was a teenager wrote a tongue-in-cheek ode about the place which later appeared on the Caribou album. It features lyrics such as: "A thousand delights couldn't match the sweet sights of my Grimsby." I particularly like the line: "I have loved every sluice of your harbour." Incidentally, supporters of Grimsby Town football team are known as "Codheads".
Knobs and Balls
When meeting new acquaintances you are often asked where you come from. One wonders what it must be like if you hail from places like Bald Knob in Arkansas or even better, Blue Balls in Pennsylvania. In the same state one can imagine the people in Virginville get a little tired of the inevitable jokes.
If you come from the quaintly-named Yorkshire villages of Bugthorpe, Blubberhouses and Ugglebarnby, I am not sure whether that would be a good conversation opener, or a stopper — possibly the latter.
Also in Yorkshire is Wigtwizzle, which sounds like a character from a Dickens novel.
I wish I hailed from somewhere with a slightly more interesting name than Reading.
I quite like the splendid Nempnett Thrubwell in Somerset. Then there's Warwickshire's Bishop's Itchington, although that sounds more like a skin complaint.
My favourite, however, remains the magnificently named Great Bulging in Sussex.
However, a friend suggested a Gloucestershire village would be the most suitable place for Crutch to retire — Old Sodbury.
Conquering a Cockup
There's a delightful hamlet in Devon called Splatt, not to be confused with the Welsh village of Splott — that would make a good name for a firm of lawyers, Splatt and Splott.
And we must not forget Tiddleywink in Wiltshire, which acquired its name from rhyming slang as a place to get "a quick drink".
Finally, for mountaineers who would like to have a conversation piece, a trip to England's Lake District is recommended. On the Skiddaw range they can conquer three hills known affectionately as Cockup, Great Cockup and Little Cockup. Now that must be worth a few tales.
Contact PostScript via email at oldcrutch@hotmail.com.