Brits can go back to their hot-water bottles

Brits can go back to their hot-water bottles

When Britain voted to leave the European Union in 2016, a Newsweek columnist likened it to "a bored nation sticking its fingers into a tempting-looking electrical socket just to see what happens". What happened was far from electrifying, but more than three years of mind-numbing debate and verbal jousting that left most people fed up with the whole thing.

Britain officially left the European Union on Friday, minus the planned celebratory "bong" from Big Ben which is currently undergoing repairs. Not to worry, British citizens seem to have adopted the wartime motto of "Keep Calm and Carry On".

I am ancient enough to remember when Britain first attempted to join what was then known as the Common Market back in 1963. But the Brits were flatly rejected by French president Charles de Gaulle with a firm "Non!" Four years later they tried again and the response was another "Non!". Even the linguistically challenged Brits understood what that meant.

Ties between Europe and Britain -- or more accurately, the English -- have always been a bit flaky. It goes back a long way. In the 14th century, Eustache Dechamps described the English as "poltroons, cowards, skulkers and dastards", which is hardly complimentary.

But it was a two-way thing. It was the 19th century English dramatist Douglas Jerrold who declared "the best thing I know between England and France is the sea". One suspects there are still a few English people who think all Frenchmen wear berets and ride around with onions dangling from their bicycles.

One thing that is generally agreed upon in Europe is that the English are the most appropriate target for insults. Hungarian writer George Mikes probably put his finger on the problem when he wrote "Continental people have a sex life, the English have hot-water bottles".

Pardon my French

When I was growing up in England we used to blame anything a bit saucy or unorthodox on the French. It even became part of the English language.

That's why pornography was called "French postcards", while condoms were "French letters". The French also took the blame for someone being absent without permission, with "French leave". Even in that hallowed English game of cricket an unintentional shot was called a "French cut". And it is still quite common for an English person, after uttering a profanity, to come out with "Pardon my French".

As for the French, it was the English food which upset them the most. As an old French saying goes "The English have 60 religions, but only one sauce".

Patriotic junk

When Britain was first bidding to join the Common Market there was a BBC comedy series called Steptoe and Son. It featured two working class junk dealers (rag-and-bone-men), Harold the middle-aged son, played by Harry H Corbett, and his father Albert (Wilfred Brambell) and their ageing horse, Hercules.

In one episode the son attempts to explain the concept of the Common Market to his ignorant father who thinks he's talking about the local market down the road. The son explains he is not keen on joining the European grouping, fearing England would be invaded by hundreds of foreign rag-and-bone men. He proudly adopts the patriotic stance, "English junk for the English".

Walking the dog

The yawn-inducing debate on Brexit did have sporadic lighter moments. On one occasion anti-Brexiteers in London arranged a "wooferendum", bringing along their dogs with signs around their necks proclaiming such inspirational messages as "Brexit is barking mad" and "Brexit is a dog's dinner". It attracted the elite of London's canine society, including beagles, bulldogs, pointers and poodles. The highlight for the dogs was a "pee station" where the hounds were given the opportunity to wee-wee on photos of notable Brexiteers.

Missing comma

An eccentric controversy has arisen concerning Britain's new 50 pence coin, three million of which were released on Friday to commemorate the exit from the European Union. You would not think that a coin bearing the cheerful message "Peace, prosperity and friendship with all nations" could be in any way controversial.

But in Britain, it doesn't take much to spark a row. According to some academics, the message is missing an "Oxford comma" which they say should be placed after "prosperity". Novelist Philip Pullman was so incensed by the absence of the comma that he demanded the coin "be boycotted by all literate people".

For those who are wondering what all the fuss is about, while a comma before "and" is usually frowned upon, the Oxford comma is sometimes used when it follows a list. I suspect all I've done here is confuse everyone, including myself.

No joke

It is no secret that the majority of British MPs had initially backed the Remain vote. At the time it prompted a cartoon in the Daily Telegraph depicting two MPs outside Parliament. One of them comments gruffly: "Let's never ask the public for their views again." So much for democracy.

Brexit also spawned hundreds of jokes, most of them quite awful. The internet is awash with them, but there were only a couple I could find that were mildly amusing. Warning, they aren't that great:

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar. But the Englishman wanted to leave so everybody had to.

How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels.

Enough of that.


Contact PostScript via email at oldcrutch@hotmail.com

Roger Crutchley

Bangkok Post columnist

A long time popular Bangkok Post columnist. In 1994 he won the Ayumongkol Literary Award. For many years he was Sports Editor at the Bangkok Post.

Email : oldcrutch@gmail.com

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