No dodgy dealings today, thank you

No dodgy dealings today, thank you

Thailand marks its annual National Anti-Corruption Day today, which might possibly prompt a few wry smiles in certain quarters. Still, for 24 hours at least, we can be assured no one will be on the fiddle, or at least seen to be on the fiddle. No shady deals or siphoning of funds. No oiling of the wheels. It is indeed a time to rejoice.

It would be a real treat to get through a week without reading reports featuring allegations of what is politely termed "misappropriation of funds by persons unknown", or more likely known but seldom named. On a regular basis we are treated with tales concerning double-dealing, duplicity, embezzlement, fraud and fiddling. Sometimes it's just straightforward crookery.

Nothing seems to be sacred. Over the years we've had allegations of malfeasance concerning the whole spectrum. Aside from the current big issues, which nobody needs reminding of, there have been allegations of dubious deals on such topics as airport security devices, aircraft purchases, school milk, fire-trucks, forests, kindergarten toys and even garbage disposal.

It's almost as if it's a national sport.

Elephant's hind legs

On rare occasions, we actually get to hear explanations from those accused of malfeasance. There was a memorable moment some years ago when a Thai politician accused of major fraud and disguising huge sums of wealth, came up with what I like to call the "elephant's hind legs defence".

The politician explained he was so badly henpecked that he had delegated his wife to handle all financial transactions, meaning he was totally innocent of any charges. An interesting proposition, although "blame the wife" seemed rather a lame excuse for stashing away a fortune which he was unlikely to have saved on his MPs salary.

However it was a good enough explanation for the investigators. A key witness in his defence was actually the fellow's wife who openly admitted she controlled the purse strings as "mother told me never to trust men". You can't beat a mum's device.

Roll of the dice

Less imaginative than the "elephant's hind legs defence" but one used regularly by politicians trying to explain why they are "unusually wealthy" is the "lucky streak defence". In one particular case, a senior politician explained that his sudden massive increase in wealth when he was a cabinet minister was the result of gambling.

He recounted that he made regular visits to many casinos in Australia where he enjoyed a "lucky streak". An extremely lucky streak by all accounts, to the sum of more than 200 million baht.

It was accepted by his peers as a perfectly reasonable explanation. After all, sometimes the dice just happen to roll for you. He was also lucky in that despite having such a responsible job as a cabinet minister he had enough spare time to travel down to Oz regularly and have a flutter in the casinos.

Pandora's box

A third type of legal defence also in common use is the "absent minded" aka "honest mistake" defence featured in what became known as "Pastrygate", a case with which most readers are familiar. It was about a dozen years ago and featured a pastry lunchbox intended for a judge presiding over an important case. The lunchbox was inspected by a court official who discovered it was stuffed with two million baht in banknotes, hidden below a thin layer of pastries.

The lawyer's clerk who delivered the lunchbox explained it was all an "honest mistake". He had been carrying two lunchboxes and in a moment of "absent-mindedness" had handed over the wrong one for the judge. This sort of thing never happened to Perry Mason.

It is a convoluted tale, full of fibs, lies and untruths. To the court's credit, three people actually ended up in the slammer for six months, but nobody important.

Returning a favour

The unique aspect of a bribe is that it is a rare time when the givers say "thanks" and the receivers respond "don't mention it". There have been occasional efforts to do something about small-scale graft.

One of the more intriguing initiatives took place in Thailand about 20 years ago. It was announced that a special fund would be set up to pay back people who had bribed government officials to get things done, or in some cases, not get things done. The scheme was predictably very short-lived. Although bribe givers were quite keen on the prospect of a surprise refund, it was a trifle harder getting someone to admit to receiving the bribes. In fact, it was impossible. Back to square one.

Moos in the news

Farmers in Isan seem particularly vulnerable when it comes to being on the wrong side of corruption scandals. There was a well-meaning scheme in the early 2000s to provide some of the poorest farmers with cows. However, after a while it became clear that the majority of the animals never reached their intended destinations and most farmers remained without anything resembling a cow.

In the splendidly-worded official explanation of what went wrong, it was reported the cows were distributed through a "special method", apparently so special nobody knew what it was. The report went on to admit that the distribution of the cows was "99% problematic".

To look on the bright side, it meant 1% was not problematic. Maybe there is hope after all.


Contact PostScript via email at oldcrutch@hotmail.com

Roger Crutchley

Bangkok Post columnist

A long time popular Bangkok Post columnist. In 1994 he won the Ayumongkol Literary Award. For many years he was Sports Editor at the Bangkok Post.

Email : oldcrutch@gmail.com

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