A number of readers -- well, three -- have asked why last week's column did not contain the usual predictions for the coming year. My feeling at the time was that with the dark cloud of Covid-19 hovering over us it seemed a bit inappropriate to carry the usual frivolous PostScript predictions. However, I have had a change of heart and considering we are only 10 days into the New Year it is not too late to make silly forecasts.
Hopefully for Thailand the Year of the Ox will be an improvement on that of the Rodent, which won't be too difficult. I still fear we could be in for another annus horribilis, but will endeavour to look on the bright side and leave the gloom and doom to the experts.
Everyone knows we can look forward to assorted crackdowns, contradictions and cock-ups, accompanied by the usual lies, half-truths and prevarications. There may even be a few people transferred to inactive posts.
So here are PostScript's Covid-free predictions for 2021, culled from assorted gossipmongers, babblers, prattlers and tittle-tattlers.
January: Bailiffs are sent to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue after President Donald Trump displays a reluctance to leave the White House. However, they are forced to retreat after being hit by blasts of You Can't Always Get What You Want, followed by Mr Trump defiantly standing on a balcony singing We Are The Champions. Reports that the strains of the old Animals hit We've Gotta Get Out of This Place were heard coming from Melania's quarters could not be confirmed.
February: In what is being called a "major breakthrough" in the Red Bull case, it is announced the accused was spotted "somewhere in Europe". Police say that now they have pinpointed the location of the fugitive they can move ahead at considerable pace and in maybe a few weeks they will appoint a committee to set up a subcommittee to decide on the next step. Police say they are "expecting an early arrest".
March: Edith Clampton (Mrs) files an official complaint to the authorities that Bangkok is far too hot and that "something should be done about it". In a strongly worded letter, Edith says that owing to the heat she has been "in a continual state of inelegance". Things came to a head when she was being "served tiffin in the garden'' by her maid Khun Hazel who was perspiring in a most unladylike manner and they had to retire indoors. Edith's previous brush with the authorities came two years ago when during a cold spell her demands for a free hot-water bottle went unanswered.
April: A survey is held to see what the Thai public believes will be the role of the new submarine when it eventually arrives at Sattahip. Among the suggestions are to pursue porpoises and torpedo menacing jellyfish. The most popular offering is for the submarine to provide a passable alternative for Children's Day visitors as the kids are getting bored with the old aircraft carrier that doesn't have any aircraft.
May: Maintaining a commendably straight face, a senior official announces there is absolutely no crime in Bangkok and reports of gambling dens are simply "fake news". He says his information comes from an extremely reliable source, a man he met in a pub. However, he expresses deep concern over rumours of surreptitious games of bridge being held in Pattaya.
June: The Bangkok Governor denies that new plans to remedy the horrendous traffic gridlock in the city are based on the "Chaos Theory". Asked to explain why traffic has ground to a complete standstill, he claims it is simply a "temporary mass vehicular stoppage situation", or to use the correct technical term, "a total cock-up".
July: A foreign resident writes to the Bangkok Post letters section complaining that he couldn't find anything to complain about in Thailand and wishes to state he is "perfectly happy". It prompts an avalanche of indignant letters from furious foreigners complaining about him not complaining.
August: A Thai version of the 2012 Korean hit Gangnam Style, known as "Nakhon Nowhere Style" becomes a massive international hit. The video features the world's only synchronised dancing buffaloes. The lead vocalist is newly crowned beauty queen Miss Sticky Rice, backed by the Khlong Toey Stray Dogs Choir.
September: In a major scandal, an official transferred to an inactive post is caught red-handed being active. He apologises for such irresponsible behaviour, admitting he brazenly stretched his legs for a few minutes "in a moment of weakness".
October: Police swoop in an unprecedented crackdown on bars, arresting seven goldfish for "indecent exposure", four rats for being overweight and dozens of cockroaches for dancing without a licence. Two snakes are also detained for "loitering with intent".
November: A controversy erupts over the remake in Thailand of the Hollywood epic, Gone With The Wind, an exciting tale of what happens when Thai bus and truck drivers flee the scene after an accident. Fast-paced, with spectacular pileups, it was filmed on location in Nakhon Nowhere with a cast of thousands. The film is banned by censors for being "too realistic".
December: The government announces "All Problems Are Solved". Joyful crowds flock into the streets and join in the spontaneous singing of "Jinger Ben".
Contact PostScript via email at oldcrutch@hotmail.com