Ever since the horrors of the school dentist who had an uncanny knack of hitting the nerve, I have always regarded dental visits with some trepidation. The very word "extraction" is enough to spark spasms of terror. So last week, as I was sitting in a dentist's chair in Bangkok about to have a misbehaving tooth extracted, I was not exactly a vision of joy.
Being something of a coward when it comes to this sort of thing, I was frantically trying to think of something to distract me from the approaching agony. But all that came to mind was a dentist with the unfortunate name of Dr Yankum, who once featured in a PostScript article about aptonyms. Dr Yankum immediately triggered memories of the school dentist, which only made me more nervous.
Things rapidly deteriorated as all the scary surnames of dentists mentioned in the article raced through my head -- Hurter, Butcher and yes, even a Dr Pain. But those were almost reassuring when compared to Dr Nervo and just imagine the prospect of having teeth pulled by Dr Mangle.
Of course, I shouldn't have worried, being in the good hands of Dr Somsak, a most accomplished tooth puller. Admittedly I wasn't totally reassured when he said, "Tell me if it hurts". He didn't have to worry on that count, because I would let him know alright.
As it turned out it didn't hurt a bit; well not a lot. Thank you Dr Somsak.
Medical monikers
For the uninitiated, aptonyms involve people's names which are particularly suited, or in some cases horribly unsuited, for their line of work. All the names mentioned in today's column are genuine, collected over the years by Crutch or submitted by readers.
The medical profession has been replete with practitioners whose names might make you think twice about requesting a consultation. Those who have to face the surgeon's knife can look forward to engaging the services of Dr Slaughter, or maybe Dr Kutteroff. And as for Dr Splatt…
You can always rely on psychiatrists for inspirational names. Who better to consult on personal problems than Dr Dippy? Of course there is always Dr Nutter available and if you are completely messed up Dr Bummer knows a thing or two about that. However, the best of luck with Dr Looney.
Named for the job
There has even been a scientific name given to aptonyms. It's known as "nominative determinism" which sounds much too serious for the likes of PostScript. It is described as "a sub-conscious force that makes someone to gravitate towards a job that fits his or her surname."
That explains why Mr Bacon becomes a butcher, Mr Salmon a fishmonger, Ms Holly a florist and why a leading greengrocer in London goes by the name of Mr Cabbage. Then there is the Australian astronomer who happened to be called Alan Heavens, and what better person to be a marine timber expert than John Barnacle?
Meanwhile in Northern Ireland there is a printing and stationery firm with the splendid name of Reid and Wright.
On a literary note you only have to go back in history to see that celebrated poet William Wordsworth was, well, a man of words. You would imagine that author Francine Prose seldom suffers writer's block, while what better person to specialise in the English language than Faye Vowel?
Meanwhile, against all odds, for many years a Sydney casino was run by a Mr Gamble.
Occasional showers
Weather forecasters are particularly prone to appropriate names. The British Meteorological Office has included staff named Frost, Flood, Freeze, Storm and Thundercliffe. And if you wanted an expert on occluded fronts there was Dr Weatherall. The BBC currently employs a weather presenter happily named Sara Blizzard who somehow has to keep a straight face when forecasting snow.
Meanwhile there was a forecaster for a North Carolina TV station by the name of Larry Sprinkle.
Legal eagles
Some names could not be more inappropriate, which I suppose could be called "inaptonyms". Over the years there have been many British policemen by the name of Lawless and also a number called Outlaw, not to mention Crook.
Then there is a lawyer who went by the splendid name of A Swindler, while in Australia there was a law firm with the terrific name Vile & Vile, outdone only by lawyers in India splendidly called Panicker and Potti.
For many years in England, the gentleman in charge of advising banks on financial fraud was none other than Robin Banks. And the chief media contact on police matters in the 1980s was our old friend Robin Hood.
Pet sounds
Considering this column's mug shot, it would seem remiss not to mention the veterinary world. Dog lovers will be pleased to know Dr Barker and Dr Ruff are always available. But who could resist taking their pet hound to see the magnificently-named Dr Woof, or for that matter the cheerful Dr Wagy?
But my long-time favourite remains a couple who used to look after owls in a Cornwall bird sanctuary, who went by the name of Mr and Ms Screech.
Well, after all that, I might just give Dr Dippy a call.
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