With the kingdom opening up again the Tourist Authority of Thailand have announced that they are primarily interested in "quality tourists". What exactly constitutes a quality tourist is not entirely clear, but one suspects it's a polite way of saying anyone with lots of money. No riff-raff or hoi polloi please.
The TAT appears to be loyally sticking to a variation on the "Amazing Thailand" slogan which has served them well for two decades. For 2022 we have "Now Even More Amazing Thailand Has It All". It's bit of a mouthful, but you get the idea.
I admit to having been somewhat sceptical when the original "Amazing Thailand" slogan was launched, but have come to accept it and am even fond of it in a peculiar sort of way. After all, the place is "a bit different" isn't it? Certainly Thailand has never ceased to amaze me since I first set foot in the kingdom all those years ago. Sometimes it can even be extremely amazing.
A few years ago they introduced "Miracle Thailand" which apart from sounding rather strange had a hint of desperation about it, as if some kind of divine intervention had been called upon. Of course there are those who might suggest that a miracle is just what the tourist industry needs right now.
It was perhaps a miracle of some sort that just before Covid struck a special tourist court was introduced in Pattaya to speed up proceedings for minor cases. It meant that the jet-ski scammers, con men, boasters, bluffers and other undesirables would all be quickly brought to justice -- well, it was a nice thought.
Misbehaving sand
Most tourists accept that occasionally things do not turn out exactly as planned. However, if something does go awry they are not averse to whining about it. Some years ago the Association of British Travel Agents compiled a list of the more ridiculous complaints received from tourists. After reading them you get the feeling some people should never be let out of their own country.
First there's the English fellow who complained he couldn't remember much of his holiday because "the water tasted funny so I had to drink cocktails all week".
One of the more entertaining complaints came from a couple who claimed the beach was "too sandy" and something should be done about it. Another family moaned that the sand was "too hot" and were upset that nobody had warned them.
The beaches certainly have a lot to answer for. A woman sounded off that her holiday was ruined because her husband spent all the time ogling topless young ladies parading along the sand.
Even the sea came in for criticism. One mother complained, "no one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
The rain in Spain…
Spain has long been a popular destination for British tourists, but this does not stop people whining about the place. One angry lady visiting Spain grumbled that the local shop "had no proper biscuits like caramel creams or ginger nuts".
Another English tourist complained "there are too many Spanish people. The receptionist is Spanish. The food is Spanish. No one told us there would be so many foreigners". A British couple even demanded the traditional Spanish siesta be banned because they couldn't find any shops open in the afternoon.
Some English tourists had the nerve to complain about the Spanish weather, moaning "Why did they let us book the holiday if they knew it was going to rain all week?" Another whined, "we didn't know it ever rained in Spain." Clearly they were not familiar with My Fair Lady.
Gastropods save the day
These tales about Spain remind me of a cheap package holiday I took with a schoolmate in the 1960s to the resort of Torremelinos. Part of our crummy deal was that we were given daily meal coupons which we could only use at one run-down restaurant. The coupons were just enough for a paella dish and not much more.
After a few days we were fed up with paella so we tried the only other thing we could afford, a cheap snail dish. So the rest of the fortnight we lived off gastropods with the occasional egg and chips.
Upon returning home, one of the first things my mother asked was about the Spanish food. She would have fainted if she discovered I had survived on snails, so I told her we had lots of exciting paella dishes and she seemed happy. At least it sounded foreign.
Lakes and castles
British tourist boards also listed some of the more daft questions they received at their branches. I suppose "does the Lake District have any lakes?" qualifies as a fair question in these days of climate change. But how can you answer someone who seriously asks, "Why did they build Windsor Castle on the flight path to Heathrow?"
Talking of castles, one of the most frequent questions asked by tourists at Edinburgh Castle is "what time does the one o'clock gun fire?" Another baffling enquiry was "Is Edinburgh in Glasgow?" something likely to infuriate Glaswegians and Edinburgers in equal measure.
Then there was the lady visiting the Orkney islands who asked which bus she should take for the Shetlands. Hopefully it was one that supplies water wings.
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