Today's column is coming from the northeastern province of Chaiyaphum to where I periodically escape for a break from Bangkok. There was a quick reminder that I was no longer in the Big Mango while sitting in a village restaurant with my wife and friends. A Thai lad about 5 years old came up to our table and stared at me for a bit and giggled. I might add this is not an unusual reaction to Crutch in the provinces.
As he walked back to his parents at the next table he said quite loudly the magic words "jah mook dong", which roughly translates as "pointed nose". It was of course a reference to my sizeable farang hooter. His parents were a trifle embarrassed, but I explained that I get called a lot worse things.
In the early days in Thailand I loved travelling to the provinces and wandering around in rural areas. When village children saw me approaching there would be a lot of the giggling before they scampered away through the paddy fields fleeing from this big-nosed, blotchy, sweating, sunburnt stranger, stumbling through their territory.
On occasions they would call out "Django". This was derived from a character in an old spaghetti western that was a huge hit in Thailand at that time with Franco Nero playing a drifter-cum-gunslinger called Django. So any foreigner who drifted off the beaten track in those days became an obvious target for the "Django" appellation.
Anyway, it was preferable to being called farang kee nok (cheapskate foreigner), hua lan (baldy) or puhm poey (fatso).
City slickers
In Bangkok in those early days the reaction of children to western visitors was of a slightly different nature to their rural counterparts. The city kids were of course more familiar with the sight of strangers, but westerners in those days were still of considerable novelty value. As mentioned in a recent column stroll through Bangkok streets and you would certainly hear the greeting "hey, you, one baht". The "one baht" wasn't so much a monetary demand as their way of saying "hello" as they didn't know any other English words. Mind you, they didn't complain if you handed over a few coins.
Foreign visitors soon adapted to all the attention and the "hey you" cries became an accepted part of the daily Bangkok experience, although the nature of your reaction would depend on your mood. If you were having a bad day it might have been more of a snarl than a smile.
Facial outpost
Back to hooters. Admittedly the nose, most eloquently described as "the extreme outpost of the face" can be a sensitive topic.
It is probably the least attractive part of the face and comes in all shapes and sizes -- big ones, small ones, cute ones, ugly ones, broken ones and big red shiny ones as in the case of a certain reindeer. But in Thailand the farang noses are by far the most entertaining, especially if it's a funny-looking one like mine.
The nose plays a more significant role in Thai society than one may think. There was a major controversy in one Miss Thailand beauty pageant about the lack of genuine Thai noses -- hardly an original nose was in sight.
Nearly all the contestants, including the winner were sporting unnatural farang hooters courtesy of some plastic surgeon. It brought a new meaning to "winning by a nose".
Proud proboscis
One of the most famous noses in history, apart from Jimmy Durante's celebrated "schnozzle" was that of French novelist Cyrano de Bergerac, a 17th century French novelist with a particularly big beak.
French dramatist Edmond Rostand wrote a play about him in which the Cyrano character speaks proudly of his proboscis: "My nose is huge! But let me inform you I am proud of such an appendage, since a big nose is a proper sign of a friendly, good, courteous, witty, liberal and brave man such as I am."
So there you are. Take pride in your nose whatever shape or size and if you've got a particularly big one, flaunt it.
Gnomesville
Following last week's column concerning garden gnomes an Aussie reader says he grew up near a place called Gnomesville, just south of Perth in Western Australia.
Apparently in 1995 local residents placed gnomes in the road to protest the construction of a roundabout. The gnomes became a tourist attraction, moving into nearby bushland and their numbers have soared to an estimated 10,000. Some might find the thought of so many Aussie gnomes on the loose a bit scary but by all accounts they will greet you with a chirpy "g'day mate!"
Buzzin' at the Bee
Best news of the year is the weekly Jazz on Sukhumvit sessions are back on Sunday afternoons, from 4pm to 7pm, at the new location of Queen Bee on Sukhumvit Soi 26, a short walk from Phrom Phong BTS station. In addition to the regular William Wait Quartet, jazz musicians from around the world drop in to jam. And once you hear the wonderful voice of Aussie singing star Deni Hines performing "Summertime", you will be back for more. A great way to chill out.
Talking of chilling out, it's a "bit nippy" up here in Chaiyaphum at the moment. At least my moth-eaten winter woollies are getting a good airing. Brrrr!
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