No, Canada! Please stop sending your top cabinet ministers to Mar-a-Lago. Stop trying to make friends with Donald Trump. Because it won't work. The Trump administration will keep attacking Canada and Canadians, no matter how many concessions you offer.
I, California, know this firsthand. So, if you're going to survive America's fall into fascism, you should become friends with me. Now that we're both targets of the autocrat entering the White House, perhaps we can build an alliance based on just how much we have in common.
For starters, we each have a population of about 40 million. We both are blessed with uncommon natural beauty, and we both embrace diversity and immigrants. Also, when we speak English, we both pronounce vowels in ways that invite caricature.
Mr Trump, in his perverse style, acknowledged our similarities when he called your prime minister "Governor" and suggested that you, the True North strong and free, might escape punishment if you become America's "51st state".
Take it from me: you don't want to be a state in a country headed by this man. Whether you're his largest province or his closest ally, he'll attack you. His false claims against Canada -- that you're fostering an "Invasion" of both "Illegal Aliens" into the US -- are just the beginning. I've been wrongly accused by this self-described dictator of allowing millions of illegal votes in elections and permitting murder of newborn babies.
Mr Trump backs his lies with threats. If you don't stop doing whatever he falsely accuses you of doing, he'll make you feel pain. He constantly threatens to withhold funding from my cities, block emergency aid, or deport immigrant Californians. You, by contrast, face the threat of a 25% tariff on all your goods, which could send your economy into recession.
In Mr Trump's first term, I learned that appeasement doesn't work. If you spend billions on border enforcement in response to his threats, you won't buy yourself any peace. It won't be long before he's threatening tariffs again because of some imagined grievance.
Mr Trump's attacks already contributed to a political crisis and the resignation of your longtime prime minister, Justin Trudeau. The US president-elect will never stop trying to divide your society.
He's already made Project 2025 author Pete Hoekstra his next ambassador to you. As the US envoy to the Netherlands during the first Trump administration, Hoekstra used his embassy to hold a fundraiser for a far-right Dutch party.
How does Mr Trump gain from his strategy of attacking allies? The best explanation came in the song Blame Canada, from 2004 movie comedy Team America: World Police.
We must blame them and cause a fuss
Before somebody thinks of blaming us!
Instead of playing Mr Trump's blame game, why don't we two scapegoats team up?
We could offer each other mutual aid in the face of the American government's attacks. You might provide temporary havens for my immigrant families when Mr Trump starts his mass deportations. (I also might need safe houses for my politicians, whom Mr Trump has threatened to imprison for following state laws protecting immigrants.) In return, I would be more than happy to help you block, or find ways around, his punitive tariffs.
Our partnership won't be entirely defensive. Mr Trump's ludicrous cabinet picks make plain he is going to abandon responsible governance in health, environment, consumer protection, and sustainable development. You and I can fill that void by building California-Canadian agencies and institutions in these areas.
This wouldn't be new. California and Quebec have linked their respective cap-and-trade markets for carbon since 2014. Last June, my governor and your prime minister signed a Memorandum of Cooperation to fight climate change, conserve biodiversity, cut back plastic waste, and build more zero-emission vehicles.
Our partnership could easily expand. Neighbours Washington and Oregon should come on board. If we could convince Mexico and its new president to join up too -- she's a climate scientist who has been tough with Mr Trump -- we could declare ourselves the Free North America. Union. And we would have Mr Trump surrounded on all three of his land borders, for whatever that's worth.
If we're lucky, this closer partnership might survive Mr Trump and give you and me a better chance of meeting the 21st century's many challenges. Let me assure you that our agreement would be non-exclusive. You could still stay in the British Commonwealth, or even join the European Union, as the Economist recently suggested. Because, as you and both I know, when you're living next to a country governed by a madman, you can't have too many friends. ©Zócalo Public Square
Joe Mathews writes the Connecting California column for Zócalo Public Square.