If Bangkok was redesigned to reflect reality

If Bangkok was redesigned to reflect reality

For far too long now, Bangkok has tried to keep up with modern societies by implementing foolish systems like democracy, laws and traffic lights. Well, spoiler alert: It's just not working! Instead of wasting time trying to blanket the capital with a "one city fits all" mould, why don't we just restructure Bangkok into a place that suits our current reality? For starters, we could...

Eliminate the concept of "sidewalks" altogether

Many developed cities make it a priority to allocate a portion of the roadside for pedestrians to safely travel by foot. But why the heck would you want to walk in Bangkok anyway? Besides being way too hot, you could contract rabies from a soi dog, get run over by douchebag motorcycles taking a shortcut, or blow your budget buying food/clothes/sex toys from vendors set up on the pavement. Therefore if we give up our right to use sidewalks for their intended purpose, we would never have to live in fear of getting stuck behind a group of slow-ass walkers. Plus, you wouldn't want all the people in their fancy, chauffeured cars to laugh at you when you inevitably fall into a pothole and sprain your ankle.

But if you have no choice but to walk outside, then we should...

Cover all walkways and pedestrian bridges so no one will ever get dark

The fear of having darkened skin ranks right up there with poverty, abuse and missing a meal for many Thais. That's why you'll usually find products that have whitening properties, locals wearing pants and sweaters while swimming, and your colleagues constantly asking you if you've gotten darker. The work it takes to keep skin tone light could easily be lessened if we just build a dome over the areas where people are exposed to the sun. The new encapsulated walkways and pedestrian bridges in Bangkok would keep out harmful UV rays, have air-conditioning set at freezing temperatures, and you'd never have to worry about getting your eye poked out by office ladies trotting about with their umbrellas.

Being shielded from the sun may also result in less people using their vehicles, but if you still prefer to drive then we should...

Banish all rules from the road

Forget notions of "civility" or "safety". On Bangkok's roads, there's no order and it's every man, woman, and child for themselves. Changes that should be made immediately include:

-Prominently displaying who your daddy is on driver licences.

-Converting police checkpoints into "cop-bribing zones".

-Taking down all road signs to make room for more condo billboards and messy, tangled wires.

-Modifying cars that will be used in Thailand by implementing horns that blare 24/7, a special tailgating function, and of course, karaoke systems to keep passengers entertained in traffic.

Speaking of karaoke systems, we could also use this favourite pastime to help further education if we...

Convert all books to karaoke videos

Despite fancy banners proclaiming that Bangkok is World Book Capital 2013, appalling statistics by the Office of Non-Formal and Informal Education (ONIE) suggest that Thais read eight lines a year... and that's probably just from looking at a restaurant menu. But statistics from the Centre of Stuff I Just Made Up indicate that 100 per cent of Thais would rather karaoke all day. So the solution is simple: Just take the content of books and turn them into karaoke videos, complete with a background of oceans and waves. People will flock to these karaoke libraries to sing their hearts out and get an education without even knowing it!

But if you still prefer to study hard in school, then we should...

Integrate courses that will prepare you for Thai life

Sure, algebra is important to find "x", but when we grow up the only "x" we'll be looking for is the one who broke our heart. So Thai schools should start reshaping the curriculum by offering useful courses like:

-"Economics 101: How to Evade Your Taxes and Not Get Caught!"

-"Finding Lottery Numbers in Everyday Objects".

-"Writing 101: Learning to Plagiarise the Smart Way".

-"Hi-So Political Science: How to Ignore the Law and Avoid Jail!"

-"Don't Worry About the Subject, You're Gonna Pass Anyway!"G

Sumati Sivasiamphai

Former Guru Editor

Our Guru section former editor. She has writen numerous features the metro lifestyle section.

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