Thais warned of 'franky wanger'

Thais warned of 'franky wanger'

BANGKOK — As the city plunges into that annoying weather dalliance between soggy rain and blazing shine, officials are warning residents to beware of a change in tempers with the temperature.

The seasonal disorder, known in the scientific community as "F**king Cranky Weather Anger" — or "franky wanger" for short — stems from the irritation of having to deal with extreme climate conditions and the atmosphere's inability to make up its damn mind.    

Meteorologist Fonthok Ronmaak explains: "We've entered that period where one day it can be really hot, then the next day it could rain. Or it can just stay really hot for a couple of days without any rain. Worst of all, it could look like it's going to rain, but it doesn't and you just end up continuing to feel hot. Either way, it totally blows and people are starting to suffer as a result."

Franky wanger, which spares no one except true Buddhists who have reached enlightenment and those who refuse to emerge from air-conditioned cocoons, can occur at a moment's notice the second a person steps outside.

Symptoms include:

• A sudden shift from feeling generally happy to being super grouchy.

• An increase in bad moods, snapping at others, visualising people as an ice-cold beverage.

• Paranoia and preoccupation over what part of your body is covered in perspiration.

• The rise of chafing thighs, which occurs both as a result of sweat and humidity.

• Shut up, I hate you stupid weather, you're really pissing me off.

In possibly the most extreme case of franky wanger, locals reported seeing Nuey (not her real name) causing a commotion at a neighbourhood 7-Eleven.

"It was unreal," recounts street vendor Lookchin Pla, who happened to be selling his wares in front of the convenience store that day. "It had been raining and I guess Nuey was hiding out in the 'sewan' to take shelter. I heard the staff was getting fed up with her because she kept sticking her face in the fridge and didn't even have the courtesy to buy a Slurpee or Cornetto.

"What happened next was ridiculous," he continues. "After the rain stopped, Nuey came outside then started screaming and throwing a fit about how the sun was burning holes in her. She seemed to be having a psychotic break."

Ploy, another onlooker who was at the scene, chimes in: "Nuey started wrestling with the soi dog sleeping in front of 7-Eleven! Seriously! She said something about how the dog was in her spot, and she needed to lay there to feel the cool air-con coming from the store every time the door opened."

Although no animals were harmed in Nuey's outburst, franky wanger has also shown its ugly side in other forms.

Earlier this week, a crazed teen was spotted yelling at the sky and demanding that "cuddle weather" be brought back immediately.

Office workers have reported feeling immense confusion about whether their umbrellas will be used to shield them from rain or sunshine.

Pockets of violence have also erupted in the city as a result of the weather conditions. Police say they have had to break up fights that occurred because of "the grossness someone felt when a stranger's sweaty arm or elbow grazed their own".

Authorities are hoping that a cure for franky wanger may be found as early as November if the weather cooperates, or when a high pressure system miraculously floats down from China.

In the meantime, sufferers are being advised to run to their nearest air-conditioned mall for instant relief, while police assure they will be patrolling the streets to keep everyone safe, "except if it's too hot or raining".

Sumati Sivasiamphai

Former Guru Editor

Our Guru section former editor. She has writen numerous features the metro lifestyle section.

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