Without football, commentators at a loss for words

Without football, commentators at a loss for words

Football commentators finally lost for words

Everyone in football has been affected in some way by the coronavirus and this of course includes commentators who have had no games to report on in the past month.

Football pundit Michael Owen. reuters Carl Recine

It looks like this will remain the case for the foreseeable future.

Although we might not like the style of certain commentators, most of us will look forward to hearing them back on air reporting on live games and not re-runs.

It seems an appropriate moment to remind ourselves of how the commentators have entertained us over the years.

You will be familiar with some of their "bon mots," but they may raise a much-needed smile.

Football commentating is quite an art, but often a maligned profession.

The main reason for this negative viewpoint is that most television viewers reckon they understand the game better than the commentators.

As the BBC's Barry Davies once said: "One man's commentary is another man's pain in the backside."

For many years the voice of football commentating in England was John Motson. He was quick to admit he didn't always get it right.

"Vocabulary, that's my biggest failure," he once said.

"I try hard for something witty or clever to say when the ball goes into the net, but I usually end up saying 'Oh, what a goal!'"

And if we are honest, that's what most of us would say.

One of the pleasures of listening to commentators is when they get in a tangle with everyday expressions.

It was Stuart Pearce who came up with the superb: "I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel," while former Wolves manager Mick McCarthy remarked: "I was feeling as sick as the proverbial donkey."

Trever Brooking sounded like he was on a cookery show when he observed: "He went down like a sack of potatoes and then made a meal of it."

Maintaining the spud theme was Paul Merson' s assertion: "Liverpool were all mishy-mashy. I know that isn't a word, but it should be."

Some observations have a kind of head-scratching logic to them.

After the World Cup game in 1990 when Cameroon nearly upset England, manager Bobby Robson explained: "We did not underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought."

Commentators are sometimes guilty of jumping the gun.

Ian Darke reported enthusiastically: "And with just four minutes gone the score is already 0-0," while Peter Lorenzo announced: "Hodge scored for Forest after only 22 seconds, totally against the run of play."

There is also a tendency to make something boring sound more entertaining than it really is, as in Davies's report: "Poland nil, England nil, although England are looking better for their nil."

Former England striker Michael Owen is a decent pundit, but he does have a tendency to state the obvious as in: "Footballers these days have to use their feet".

He also came up with: "When they don't score, they hardly ever win."

Some commentators create intriguing images.

Kevin Keegan came up with a delightful observation on an over-zealous referee: "It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there is a tackle, up pops the yellow card."

Chris Kamara has been even more entertaining as a commentator than as a player.

He got in bit of a mess when describing a bad miss: "He had it on a plate, he had the sausage, bacon and eggs on it as well, but he couldn't take it."

Another Kamara classic was: "It's end to end stuff, but unfortunately it's all up at the Forest end."

Some observations can be quite puzzling, like Bryon Butler's comment: "And Wilkins sends an inch-perfect pass to no-one in particular."

Alan Parry also prompted some head-scratching with: "Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season."

Some off-the cuff comments are among the best.

At the 2002 World Cup, when a Brazilian free-kick pierced China's defensive wall, Terry Venables remarked: "You would think that if anyone could put up a decent wall it would be China."

Which brings us to Brian Clough when he was on ITV's World Cup panel.

Commentating on an England match, Mike Channon observed: "We've got to get bodies in the box. The French do it, the Italians do it, the Brazilians do it."

At which point Clough chimed in with: "Even educated bees do it".

Some observations could have perhaps been a little better expressed, as when Motson explained: "Brazil, they are so good they are running around the field playing with themselves."

Then there was this classic from Metro radio on a West Ham game: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It looks like they've got 11 Dicks on the field."

Getting in on the act was Ron Atkinson with: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it -- you can see it all over their faces."

One of the most poignant commentaries came from BBC Radio Scotland's Ian Archer during a match in which Scotland were struggling against minnows San Marino.

As Scotland became increasingly desperate Archer observed: "We have been playing 61 minutes and it has just occurred to me that Scotland are drawing 0-0 with a mountaintop."

Let's hope it's not too long before we hear the live commentaries again.

After all, those fellows do have a certain way with words.

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