Bangkok checklists

Bangkok can have its own quirks and idiosyncrasies when you decide to do something. Let's just say that things work a little bit different here when you encounter certain situations. Whether it's deciding when to hail a motorcycle taxi or designing your new restaurant, there are a few things you need to know before going all guns blazing. As we are not called GURU for nothing, we have created a handful of checklists for the uninformed to get you prepared to navigate the Big Mango.

Should I get on a motorcycle taxi right now?

Are you trapped in a taxicab while running late for a date?

Yes, I knew I should have left two hours earlier!
No, I think I will make it, luckily enough.

Do you see a motorcycle taxi queue nearby?

Yes, I will pay the cab driver ASAP and get out of there!
No, I'll wait until I see one as soon as traffic moves an inch.

Is it daytime or night-time?

Daytime, should be easy-peasy finding those orange-vested dudes.
Night-time (good luck finding a motorcycle taxi).

Is your destination far away?

Are you in a hurry?

If yes, are you good at persuasion?

Yes, I can haggle for a reduced price should the driver try to swindle me.
No, I'll probably end up a sucker for how much they ask me to pay.

If not, do you value time or money?

Time, I'm willing to pay whatever it takes to get there.
Money, so if the driver charges me more than what it costs he should look elsewhere for a customer to scam.

How do you feel about helmet hair?

Don't care, I'm in need for speed.
Nasty, has that helmet been cleaned of the sweat of others?

Are you a germophobe?

No, let me put on that helmet, no difference when I'm gonna breathe in Bangkok's polluted air!
Yes, good hygiene is very important.

VERDICT

The more you pick the first choice of each question, then fast and furious is your answer! Weaving and ducking through the most packed of all traffic jams, motorcycle taxis are a go!
Should most of your answers fall on the second choice, then you're better off being stuck in traffic. Heavy prices, no safety guaranteed at breakneck speeds, and 50-50 chance of looking like a mess? No thanks!

Should I tip?

Are you eating and drinking at a street food stall or a high-so restaurant?

Street food.
High-so restaurant.

Are you a Thai or a foreigner?

Thai. The waiting staff probably doesn't expect gratuity from me.
Foreigner. The waiting staff probably expects some gratuity from me.

Does the menu include VAT and service charge?

Yes.
No.

Did you experience any bad reactions from consuming MSG?

Yes, I think I have been poisoned by the stuff.
No, I love my flavour enhancers.

Have the staff been friendly to you?

Yes.
No.

Do they deserve to be paid extra for doing their job?

Yes, they have been most polite and welcoming.
No, VAT and service charge take care of that.

Would you want to keep loose change in your wallet?

Yes, gotta hoard all the coins I can.
No, my one baht coins need to go.

Does the loose change consist of satangs?

Yes, I should probably not tip them those...
Thankfully no.

Would you want to come back here?

Absolutely.
Don't think I will.

VERDICT

As long as you want to come back, then by all means do so. Tipping isn't mandatory anyway.

Going To The Club

Pregame before heading to the club or else say bye bye to your wallet!
Realise that the club is supposed to be a social gathering among strangers, but see that everyone is with their social circles.
Good luck playing the popular game called "Avoid stomping on other people's feet in a packed crowd".
Not from Thailand? Hope you brought your "exclusive" foreigner's entrance fee.
Don't dance and drink! Spilling alcohol on others may cause fights to erupt. If it happens, mumble an inaudible apology and wai.
Come with a group. Make reservations. Nobody likes to be table-less.
Do not make skin contact with the toilet seat, that mos def isn't water.
Tap the shoulder of the photographer while he is taking a photo of another group to get his attention.
Pray really hard that the party does not end with a surprise raid from the cops.
Using the U DRINK I DRIVE app is key after a night out. Otherwise, hope your persuasion skill is at 100+ when looking for taxis. Or you have a spare B500+.
Going to siam2nite.com to find photos of your squad from last night takes a lot longer than getting over your hangover.

Guidelines to Opening Up The Next Trendy Eatery

Please tick all that apply. The more you tick in each category, the trendier it will be.

TYPES OF SETTING:

Beach club in the city
Vintage 1930's liquor bar
Exotic pet and animal cafes
Board game cafes
Food trucks
Abandoned trains
Abandoned planes
Lots of flowers (with optional garden)
Minimalist
Dreamy, fantasy-themed with mythical creatures

SOURCE OF FUNDING:

Your parents
Banks

NAMING THE PLACE:

One-word name that doesn't help describe concept or food/drinks they serve
Overly creative names with hard-to-spell words
Based on weird gimmick as a selling point

GIMMICKY TOUCHES:

Signs/posters for people to take photos with
Menu on clipboards
Hidden entrance (bonus points for making it hard to find on Google Maps)
Fancy/retro/vintage decor
Menu inspired from owner's life experience, a book or a country
Indie, non-mainstream music
Weekly underground guest DJs and bands playing in the background
Long waiting times even for something as simple as a sandwich or a cocktail
Simplistic food names
Overly creative food names followed by a long list of ingredients
Pipes on exposed ceiling
Seasonal menu changes every three months

INGREDIENTS:

Foie gras
"Wagyu" beef
Fish from Tsukiji market
Avocado (able to serve in the dish or as garnish)
Anything combined with Brussels sprouts
Food colouring for rainbow-coloured desserts

DRINKS:

Gin and tonic
Smoky cocktails with unusual mixes
Home-brewed craft beer
Wine
Alcoholic milkshakes
Irish coffee
Anything served in mason jars

AVERAGE WAIT TIMES:

7 minutes
14 minutes
More than 20 minutes
As long as it took to build this place

Things to Check Before Going to the Movies Like A Pro

Is there a convenience store/supermarket nearby?

Such places are a godsend for cheaper food and drinks, make sure to smuggle them in like you would a puppy.

Are you late for the show?

Yes? Not to worry! Ads and trailers are there to keep you "on time".

Did you check-in and take photos of your tickets at the premiere?

Despite being a place where thousands of people come to watch movies, and they are bound to see the film you're watching in the coming weeks, never shy away to show that your social media game is strong and that you are special (one day early).

Have you bought the collectible memorabilia that is too big to take home?

As if you haven't paid enough for those VIP seats, you probably will be lugging these all the way back home never to use it again but hey, something fancy to put on your shelf (and collect dust).

Did you buy those huge popcorn sets you probably won't be taking home after the movie?

It's not like you were gonna finish that huge tub of popped kernels all by yourself, so you're better off saving money. If you did, then we would like to ask how much money are you willing to throw down for one movie? And aren't you going to have dinner afterwards, anyway? Eye on those calories, people!