You know what’s dumb? Alcohol, that’s what. This good-for-nothing fermented elixir only causes its imbibers to make embarrassing late-night calls, send incomprehensible text messages, and view every sweaty, overweight Sasquatch through boozy Ananda-coloured goggles.
That’s why I raise my glass to the Public Health Ministry’s proposal to ban all booze sales during the New Year holiday and Songkran festival.
If all goes according to this Prohibition-esque plan, the passing of this proposition will mean that all sales of alcohol will be banned between Dec 31-Jan 1 and Apr 13-15. It would also forbid the sale and consumption of a nice cold Chang at piers, state enterprises, government agencies, railroad tracks and bus terminals, according to the Bangkok Post.
This measure will be considered by the Alcoholic Beverage Control Committee at their Dec 19 meeting. But why make Thailand wait with bated breath about their boozy future when it’s clear that this most excellent idea should be approved immediately?
Now, now, before you start crying and sweating with fear because of all the whiskey you’ve consumed, let me explain.
The Public Health Ministry’s official reasoning for proposing this ban is to help lower the number of traffic deaths and accidents. Statistics show that about 300 traffic deaths, mostly due to drink-driving, occur during New Year and Songkran each year.
We can all agree that dying is bad and should stop. However, it would be tremendously silly and illogical to enforce the strict traffic regulations that are already in place against drink-driving. That would require some actual work and respect of law enforcement – two things which go against our core values, obviously.
I can only presume that the Public Health Ministry is taking some well-deserved pity on the poor police, who already have it tough enough standing around at random checkpoints late at night. It’s really hard work to be alert when you’re just focused on pulling over relatively nice cars that can afford the B500 get-out-of-jail card.
Plus, it could also be that the too-tight uniforms that cops are forced to wear makes it physically impossible for them to run after all the people who can cause accidents such as motorcycle drivers speeding by without helmets, taxi drivers erratically swerving, and, of course, people who are actually drink-driving.
So as a result of these harsh conditions that make it difficult to catch offenders, the only viable solution is to impose a blanket ban restricting people access to alcohol. If that is still confusing to you, then you clearly don’t know Thailand’s motto: “Why try to make sense when life can be as complex as vitamin scissors pillow elephant brain!”
Besides combating drink-driving, this proposal to ban alcohol sales is also marvelous since New Year and Songkran are the only two times of year that people drink. Seriously, it’s like the calendar reaches Dec 31 or Apr 13 and people wake up inebriated as if by magic! Because everyone is anticipating being in a state of drunkenness, we can bank on the fact that they won’t have the foresight to hit the liquor store on Dec 30 or Apr 12 to stock up on booze.
At least we can rest assured knowing that people will drink responsibly for the rest of the year. Well, that’s what a 12-year-old kid slyly leaving the convenience store with a bottle of Sangsom in his backpack just told me.
While some say that tourism may also be affected if alcohol sales are banned during New Year and Songkran, I say that’s malarkey. Tourism is already affected because of murders, scams and crimes that have made international headlines, so don’t try to blame the alcohol (or lack thereof) for this one.
So, in conclusion, I’ll definitely yell “Chai yo!” to this proposal. I would also like to suggest that the ban shouldn’t stop with the sale of alcohol. The committee should also consider banning peanuts because they taste oh-so-good with beer, som tam because it’s washed down so well with cheap rum, and people who miss the point so hard when they come up with plans like this because they’re the reason we turn to alcohol in the first place.